Hall Pass Page #6

those kids. Are you nannies or something?

No. Those are my kids.

They're her kids.

I'm not old enough to have kids.

Come on. Guys, come on, let's go.

Let's pick it up.

- What am I, your slave?

- See you.

Pick up your own balls and bats!

Move your ass!

- Thank you, Eddie.

- Ha, ha. Hey, Dad.

Maggie, Grace.

Rick Coleman, my golf buddy.

- He's the coach.

- Hey. Hi.

Hope those clowns

weren't bothering you.

- Oh, no, they were sweet.

- Yeah. No, no. Those were cute kids.

We're going to the players' digs for

beer and brats. Join us?

- Yeah.

- No. We have to get the kids home.

Go. Go have some fun.

You haven't been out all week.

Your mother and I have the kids.

We've got Paige. No problem.

- I don't know. We weren't planning on--

- Come on. it's gonna be fun.

We're gonna have a belly-flop contest

in the pool. You all can be judges.

- Ha, ha. Uh--

- We're in.

Great. Let me clean up

and you can follow me over.

- Great.

- I'll go round up the kids.

- What are you doing?

- Huh?

Those guys are still in college.

And in case you forgot, we're married.

Uh, to who? Because you know what?

The last that I checked...

...Rick and Fred had the week off

from marriage...

...so remind me again,

who are we married to?

Well, I guess one beer won't kill us.

Now, that's my girl.

Come on, why can't we have some fun?

God knows our guys are living it up.

What would you rather?

Make out with a guy or let him blow you?

And you gotta pick one or your

whole family will die. That's the rule.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

- How long would you have to make out?

- Ten minutes.

- Tongue?

- Of course.

How long would you have to

let him blow you?

- Seven minutes.

- Seven?

Couldn't last seven minutes.

This is tricky because, obviously, getting

a blow job from a guy, you know, is bad...

- ...but I don't know.

- Oh.

Making out with him

is just so intimate, isn't it?

What does he do for a living,

just out of interest?

Okay, look. This is some bullshit, okay?

I'm out of here, man.

I wanted to watch you guys pick up chicks,

not talk about d*cks.

Whoa. Greased Lightning, take your foot

off the gas. These things take time.

Nah, Flats is right. This is day three.

You guys haven't even talked to a girl.

That's not true.

Thanks to Gary's brownies...

...I was talking to Judy on the drug hotline

most of last night.

I'm gonna get going as well, guys.

See you later.

Guys, it's all right if you strike out.

For God's sakes,

at least take a couple of swings.

Maybe we should just call the girls,

ask them to come home.

Wait a second, you wanna quit?

Fred, come on. We're not the same guys

we were 15 years ago when we were single.

We've changed.

No. No, you've changed.

All you're thinking about is yourself.

I don't care. I'm exhausted.

I wanna go home.

- I miss my wife and kids, okay?

- No.

No, no, no.

Let me explain something to you, okay?

If Maggie and Grace find out that we

can't get laid on our own...

...they'll start thinking that we need

them to get laid.

Do you realize what that'll do to the

balance of power in our homes? Do you?

Ahh. Yeah.

Maybe we just say that we did hook up.

I can't. Grace will know I'm lying.

She always knows when I'm lying.

And she doesn't forget.

I once got caught giving her fake chow

and I didn't hear the end of it for years.

- What's fake chow?

- When you're going south on them...

...and don't wanna use your tongue,

so you use fingers and smack your lips.

- Fake chow.

- Gotcha.

- What if we hit a massage parlor?

- No way. That is giving up.

You don't get it, do you?

If we can't show something positive

can come from having a hall pass...

...then the whole concept is dead.

Not just for you and me,

but for all mankind.

Okay, let's get out of here.

I know exactly where we should be.

Not tonight, fellas.

But there is an oldies bar

up on Mineral Spring Avenue.

- Check that out.

- Ha, ha. Thanks for the tip, Twilight.

No, no, no. Come on.

Look, let's out through the B.S. okay?

I know you got a tough job. I can relate.

When I was in college

I was right where you are.

Sorry, but if I let you in

I'm gonna lose my job.

Come on.

You're not gonna lose your job.

Here's 50 bucks, okay?

Why don't you see what you can do.

Ah, ah, ah.

Sorry about that, big man.

My fault. I went against my gut.

Oh, yeah, about that.

We don't mean to question

your betting process...

...but we were only in there for two minutes

before your boss went ballistic.

- So we were wondering if--

- Can I get my 50 bucks back?

You f***ing kidding me?

Whoo!

How about you, Rick?

You have any kids?

I really don't like kids.

They're too needy. Plus, it's usually smart

to get married if you're gonna have kids...

...and women only like me

for three months at a time.

That's what you get.

That's what you get.

How about you?

How long have you been off the market?

- Over 20 years if you include dating.

- Whoa.

We started going out when I was a freshmen

in college.

- And where is he?

- He's ....

He's back in Providence.

Poor guy. All work and no play.

Yeah. Something like that.

Here we go.

Hey, what's with the helmet?

Oh, chicks dig motorcycles. Come on.

Hi, everybody.

This is Stella Bass Band.

We're here to tighten it up for you.

First we want Willie to tighten it up.

What's that?

I went online earlier this afternoon, got a

few pick-up lines to get the ball rolling.

"You must be from Ireland because

when I look at you my penis is Dublin."

You know what? I don't think

we need any phony pick-up lines.

I think we can just be our natural selves.

- Great, yeah. If you know how to.

- Oh, yeah.

- Give me the helmet.

- Mm-hm.

And right now,

there's a lot of people without jobs.

So, you know, just suck it up.

This is gonna--

Hello.

- Hello.

- Hi.

Hola.

Wow. This is awkward. I feel like I'm at

my first junior-high mixer. You know?

- When you don't know what to say.

- Ha, ha.

Um, so are you women

from Ireland perchance?

- No.

- Really?

Oh. I'm very surprised

to hear that news...

...because when I look at you,

my wiener doubles in size.

Oh, no, no, no.

He means that his penis is Dublin.

Like the city in Ireland.

It's doubling.

Do you know how much

a polar bear weighs?

No, how much?

Enough to break the ice.

Hi, Fred Searing.

Would you like to try the Australian kiss?

It's like the French kiss

except down under.

Excuse me? Do you think these bar

napkins smell like chloroform?

I'm kidding. Fred Searing.

Can I buy you a drink?

I feel like donkey-kicking everyone

in this bar. This is unbelievable.

Hey. Hey, hey, keep your chin up, okay?

No one said this was gonna be easy.

Even in college it took 50 rejections

for every one score.

Yeah, yeah.

Of course, it didn't sting as much

when you were drunk.

That's what we should do, then.

We should get drunk.

- You're right, we're too stiff.

- I know.

Let's get the creative juices flowing.

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