Halloweed Page #2

You there, you there?

Okay, you're alive.

What the hell happened?

Well, looks like you got

really dumb and tried to

off yourself, but luckily

all you ate was Sandy's

estrogen medication, so

the worst that could

happen is you'll grow

some tits on your balls.

Why does she have

this, anyway?

You don't wanna know.

Joey... I saw heaven.

Was there a bunch

of big black d*cks?

Ew, no, I said heaven.

Anyway, there was this big

jolly man in a white suit,

and the most beautiful

woman I've ever seen.

Oh, you probably fell

asleep to this commercial

that was on pause all night.

Hi, and welcome to

Mooseheart, the greatest

town in America!

And I should know, because

I'm an American Sweetheart.

You know, some have called

me the king of Mooseheart.

A few have even

bowed at my feet.

I'm just happy to be a part

of this beautiful community.

So come on down

to Mooseheart.

[Laughs]

We have cell towers now!

And indoor plumbing.

-Soon!

-Soon!

Mooseheart.

That's it!

That's it!

Mooseheart?

That shithole town?

You're better off trying

to commit suicide again.

It's a small town in

the middle of nowhere.

No one knows me there.

I can get a fresh start!

Oh!

W-why can't I come?

Let's move to Mooseheart!

-Dude, let's go!

-Yeah?

I'll pack my white

trash clothing.

Alright.

This is going to be sweet!

I just hope nobody

recognizes my name.

We can get new identities

when we get out there.

I wouldn't worry

about it too much.

Plus, it seems like people

have eased up on you a

little bit out here

lately anyway.

[honking]

Have a nice day, f***ers!

Ugh, well, so

much for that.

Looks like people ain't

going easy on you.

Damn it, I really wanted

to see the moose.

No, f*** that, f*** him,

and f*** my car.

You know what?

We're gonna hitchhike.

Sweet, we can stop at those

rest area bathrooms on the way.

Oh man, we get to

see the moose!

We get to see the moose!

This is gonna be cool.

Can we take a smoke

break please?

We just stopped!

That was like twenty

minutes ago.

We've got a long

way to go, man.

Really? I feel like we're

making pretty good time.

How much do you

think we got left?

We're like two blocks away

from our apartment.

Oh, that's some good weed.

Oh, here comes someone.

Oh!

Whoa. Oh!

This way, please!

Yes, please?

Really? The ol' thumb?

It lets drivers know what

direction we're going so

they know if they can help us

or not. Pretty standard stuff.

Yeah, but we're standing on

this side of the road.

I think it's pretty obvious

which direction we're going.

I don't think people are

going to drive by and

think we're not

hitchhiking and assume

that we're speedwalking

to f***ing Bolivia.

It's just protocol, Joe.

Oh god.

Bro, we've been walking for

five f***ing miles, dude.

Really? With the thumb?

Do you really think the

thumb is going to work?

We went through this, Joey.

No, y-you're wrong!

You want to know how

to get picked up?

Watch this.

Oh!

[gagging noises]

[squealing tires]

Dude, he stopped!

He stopped! I told you!

Who stops for that?

[giggling]

-Jump in, boys.

-Thanks for stopping.

Alright!

[laughs]

There ya go.

-Howdy.

-Hey!

-Zach.

-Joey.

[laughing]

[giggling]

Why did the Mexican throw

his wife off the roof?

-I dunno.

-Tequila!

[Laughing]

You boys are alright.

You kind souls are always

risking your Rutger Hauer

in "The Hitcher"

situation.

Movie from the '80s?

Nothin?

Alright, you pulled us

over for a reason, Zach.

Let's get this

out of the way.

Unless you think I've

got Parkinson's.

No, I think you were offering

hand-jobs for a ride.

Bingo-dingo.

Uh, no, no thanks Joey.

I'm all good. I figured if you

were willing to do that for a

ride, you were probably

pretty desperate.

Oh, okay.

I see, Mr. Good Samaritan.

What, my, my smooth hands

aren't good enough for

your fat, juicy,

trucker cock?

Actually, my wife was Ms.

Golden Coconuts 2012.

That's what Jessica

Simpson's up to now, huh.

Look, he picked us up

under false pretenses.

Why do you want to give

him a handy so badly?

It seems Joey's repressing

his sexuality and acting out.

Oh, is that what

it is, Dr. Phil?

Excuse me a minute, are

you even suggesting for

one minute that you

think that I'm gay?

Dude, that is so gay.

I'm gonna suck that sh*t so good

just to prove that I'm not gay.

That's how comfortable I

am with my sexuality.

Come on, whip that sh*t out.

-Hey!

-Whoa, whoa!

Hey, stop!

Get out!

[squealing tires]

Whoa!

That's it! You boys

are outta here!

Zach, please, we

really need this ride.

No, you boys are

out of control.

I know, and I'm sorry.

You know what?

I might have a way

to calm him down.

Calm all of us down!

Joey, share.

Share?

I only got an ounce!

Do you wanna f***ing walk?

[laid back music]

d

[cackling]

That's my girl.

I love to motorboat.

[laughing]

[coughing]

That's some

good sh*t, right?

Sh*t, this thing's

fun to drive.

It's like a video game,

only if you crash, you die.

Nah.

I don't even smoke.

Oh, you're gonna get

high today man.

You don't smoke?

[Cars honking]

Joey, Joey, wake up!

-Jesus christ!

-Holy sh*t!

Okay, I'm okay,

give me the joint.

What? Drive!

Jackass!

[laughing]

Alright, thanks dude!

Alright, oh sh*t I

got the munchies.

Zach, you're the man.

Thanks, buddy.

Ugh, can we eat bro?

Oh, this is awesome.

We're here!

You ready to get

back to work?

We got some folks in here

we should probably search.

Um...

We don't need those.

Look Sheila, uh, you're not a

prison guard anymore, okay?

And this is a

tourist town.

"Come to Mooseheart: Home of

the Candyland Killings."

It's the "Candy

Corn Killing."

And if you're going to

uphold the law here,

you're probably gonna

need to know that.

That the killer was never

caught, the city embraced

the whole spooky charm of

it and turned it into a

little tourist trap,

except people don't come

here that much no more

because it happened so

f***ing long ago.

But now Mooseheart is uh, uh,

you know, a creepy little town.

Out in the middle

of nowhere.

Can you stop that?

I'm trying to give

you some wisdom here.

I'm trying to help you.

People in this town

are strange, crazy.

Ludicrous. I mean, you

don't trust no one.

-you don't trust no one.

-Well they're committing crimes.

You just have to see it.

Sometimes, it hides

in the darkness.

And you have to ask yourself,

are you brave enough?

Are you brave enough to

go into the darkness?

You're talking

about a**holes!

I mean, uh...

Oh! Look who we got here.

Uh oh. Uh oh.

Couple of shady

white boys.

They must be up to

no good.

Mhmm.

[record scratch]

Okay.

We might get raped in here.

Deliverance style.

Really?

That'd be so hot.

You boys lost?

No, we're in

Mooseheart right?

Nobody comes to

Mooseheart on purpose,

so I figured you

must be lost.

What can I get you boys?

Whiskey, straight,

and keep 'em coming.

The f*** are we?

Relax.

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