Halloweed Page #3

[sighs]

You think we packed enough?

Oh yeah, we're fine.

We got our clothes.

What else do we need?

All I packed was weed and

weed accessories dude.

Of course you did.

How we looking?

Not great.

There are no

apartments to rent.

This one guy is looking

for a couple of roommates.

Mm.

Ahh, at least the

whiskey's good.

People here seem

really nice.

Yeah, okay, nice.

I bet her other job's a

stripper where she blows

the security guard because

her dad never hugged her

-enough because she's a whore.

-Okay, alright.

I'm going to go

play a video game.

-You do that.

-I'll be right back.

Good luck to you.

Can I get you anything

else, handsome?

Oh, no, this is great.

Actually, uh, here you go.

-Just uh, keep the change.

-Thank you.

[video game sounds]

What the...

Ugh, what the f***!

Is this how you treat everyone

who comes through town?

Well, as a matter

of fact, yes.

You know, I guess that's

why we don't get too many

Well, we're just minding

our own business, okay?

Mhmm, and what kind

of business is that?

Why your friend

moving all funny?

What you hiding

up in there?

Uh, up where, ossifer?

Behind your back there, boy.

Oh, uh, just some school books.

-You're a school boy.

-Yeah.

You don't look

like a school boy.

Let me, uh...

Now, there's not going

to be anything in here

that's going to

hurt me, is there?

It depends on how much

you smoke, I guess.

[laughs]

What we got going on here?

Mmm.

Would you look at this?

[mumbling]

He's a chef.

That's, um...

You bringing drugs

into my town?

My precious Mooseheart?

I bet you he's hiding

more in his ass.

-You think so?

-Let me check.

No, wait, no,

no, wait...

No, it's okay,

she can check.

-No.

-Oh, okay.

No, 'cause you know why?

I want to know what your

business is in Mooseheart.

Uh, we're uh, we were just

thinking about moving here.

-We want to move here.

-Nice people.

Well I'll be damned!

Well, welcome

to Mooseheart!

[laughs]

Welcome, baby!

Well, that's all

you had to say.

Oh.

Yeah, I'm going to have

to confiscate this

to teach you boys a lesson.

Oh, yes.

Of course.

And, you know...

Wish you on your merry way.

-Yes, we uh, we will.

-Go on, get on out of here.

Yeah, get your bag and

get on, get your punk ass

on out of here.

Okay, uh, thank you.

Yeah.

Get your punk ass

out of here.

Mhmm.

Crazy white boys.

No drugs in Mooseheart?

That was convincing,

wasn't it?

-Yeah.

-I almost believed it myself.

[laughing]

That was a good one.

Let's go smoke this sh*t,

come on.

Oh wow, this looks like a

nice place to get raped.

I'm sure there's dead

bodies in the back.

Have an open mind, man, this is

the only spot that's available.

Besides, the guy

might be cool.

I should've just stayed home.

What is your problem?

Well, the cops

took my weed, man!

Focus, Joey.

Focus.

You Boy Scouts get

older every year.

Not interested.

Uh, sir, we're not

Boy Scouts.

We're here about the place.

What place?

Uh, this place.

The ad you had for roommates?

Oh yeah, yeah.

Come on in.

Heh.

You Jews?

Uh, you say that like

that's a bad thing.

So, no.

We're not of Jewish

persuasion.

Good, come on in.

You boys Jews?

Great, an anti-Semite.

Well this part isn't so bad.

So what's your name, friend?

Hey, I'm Lloyd.

[laughs]

You smell like a Lloyd.

I said can you show

us the rooms please?

Yeah, right in here.

Ta-da!

Ooh, dibs, dibs, dibs!

[laughing]

You got kids Lloyd?

Eh...

Are those handcuffs?

You know, let me show

you your room, alright?

It's right around here,

you're gonna love this, huh?

[bear squeaks]

[Lloyd mumbling indistinctly]

Ah, there you go.

Hm.

So where do you

sleep, Lloyd?

Eh, I'm a couch sleeper.

Downstairs.

Well...

I think you got yourself

a couple of roommates.

-Cool?

-Alright?

Sure, you boys ain't queer

Jews, so welcome aboard!

Hmm... you ain't

gay, are you?

Me? Oh, God no.

[laughs]

I love p*ssy.

Whip out your wiener, stick

it in there, swirl it around.

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Good times, huh?

[Laughs]

You boys ain't

tweakers are you?

Oh, no, God no.

This is all natural man.

We don't do that

sh*t at all.

Eatin' p*ssy, eatin' p*ssy,

not doing drugs.

Good, good!

[Laughing]

else I'm going to go back down

and watch my stories, huh?

Okay.

Oh, and don't mind

the door knob being gone.

It's a precautionary

measure.

Can't imagine any time

where I'd ever need to

feel safe and secure.

He smells bad.

[coughing]

Hey, I thought you were

against drug use Lloyd.

I am.

Can't stand druggies.

This is God's herb.

Weed ain't drugs.

Mm, I think we're going

to get along just fine.

Hey, where can I get some

of this sh*t around here?

Go see Patch.

Patch is the hookup.

Yeah.

He'll be open

tomorrow morning.

If you go to his garage,

go around the back.

Tell him I sent you.

Patch.

Think I can get a

little 'til then?

I'm, uh, kind

of a bogart.

I see.

[coughing]

See, I thought I would

hate it here.

I like Mooseheart!

Ah, where else can you get

a pumpkin and a lube job?

One stop shopping.

Ah, awesome.

Dude, let's go find

this weirdo.

Hey, actually man, I'm

going to pick out a pumpkin,

so why don't you go

do your weed thing,

Yeah, why don't you go pick

out a pumpkin because that's

extremely gay of you,

but I still love you.

Hey, seriously, we got

stuff to do, so...

Got you.

[idle humming]

Ooh!

Make this work...

[idle humming]

-Oh my God, I'm sorry.

-I'm so...

Are you okay, or...

Yeah, I'm sure you get

this a lot, but aren't you

that girl from

the infomercial?

Uh, I am, yeah,

and I get that never.

I actually don't think

they had enough money

to air it on normal

channels, so.

Oh, well you were great.

-Really... convincing.

-Thank you.

I did it as a favor

for my boyfriend, so.

Well if--

[coughing]

Are you okay?

What do you need?

Looking for Patch?

[laughs]

I'm Patch.

Love the name, man.

You own a pumpkin patch,

sort of, and your n--

Oh, sh*t. I see.

What do you need?

I got carved pumpkins,

tune up, trunk liner.

Mm, word around town is

you're the guy to see

about a green pumpkin?

Doo-doot-doot.

Huh?

We got orange pumpkins

and some yellows.

Weed! Do you have any weed?

I don't usually sell,

personally.

Are you a cop?

No, you look like the

sixth member of the

Backstreet Boys.

And everybody knows that

an undercover cop don't

look like an undercover cop.

That's the point!

Alright, look,

want me to prove it to you

that I'm not a cop,

or I'm wearing a wire?

I'll get buck-naked ri--

Hey, hey.

That's not necessary.

You've got a lot of

spirit, kid.

You want to work?

Well, I'm flattered,

but I don't do the male

prostitution

thing anymore.

Been there, done that.

When you suck dick--

Hey!

Do you want to sell?

He who has the

weed has the power.

Especially in this town,

and I run Mooseheart.

You're not afraid of the

cops or anything, huh?

Once in a while it

gets hectic.

Alright, okay.

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