Halloweed Page #6

You've been pinching

out of my sac, Lloyd?

Oh, why is it so bright?

Hey, what's with

all this candy?

I ain't gonna be that guy caught

without candy on Halloween.

That's for damn sure.

You hungover?

You have no idea.

Would you guys

hold it down?

Come on.

What the hell

are you watching?

Scouting report.

We really need to

find a new place.

ASAP.

Woo! Woo!

Money!

Who the hell is this?

Oh, that's Quincy.

My number 2.

The operation's getting so big,

I needed a little bit of muscle.

[knocking]

Yo, it's 5-0, 5-0!

5-0, that is so adorbs.

I love being

a drug dealer.

Take all that sh*t

outside, bro.

Sh*t.

What the f***

do they want?

[grunting]

Please, come in.

What can we do

you for, officer?

Well, uh...

There was a

murder last night.

Uh, Judge Pilmington.

He is running...

he was running for mayor.

Wow, that's terrible.

What happened?

Well he was stabbed three

times and then the killer

came back and stabbed

him 77 more times.

[laughing]

Fan-f***ing-tastic.

The killings are back.

Just like in the eighties.

The haunted here made

this town what it is.

You seem to be pretty

proud of that, Lloyd.

You know, they never

did catch the killer.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe you got something

you wanna tell me, boy?

Me?

Hell no, no.

What?

Yeah, yeah.

You two sh*t birds move

to town, all of a sudden

there's a murder.

That's gotta be a

coincidence though, right?

Mm-hmm.

Security footage outside

the courthouse got a

glimpse of a masked man.

Got a baby mask?

I got a lot of masks.

Not you, d*ckhead.

I don't...

baby masks?

I bet you don't.

Listen, you two,

don't leave town.

Okay?

Come on.

Clean up this piece of

sh*t you call a house.

Hey, was that

my son on TV?

If they had anything on you,

they'd friggin' taken you in.

As long as the killer's

on the loose, it's only a

matter of time until they

figure out who I am.

And then they're never gonna

believe that I'm not the killer.

So what's there to do?

Catch the killer.

All this to protect

your secret identity?

And because there's a f***ing

killer on the loose.

And these idiot cops

aren't gonna catch him.

Unless he's hiding

in someone's ass.

I wonder if that's

physically possible.

So you're telling me you're

gonna catch a murderer? Come on.

Sure, why not?

I find him, I stop him,

then I fort the killer and

I protect my identity.

It's a win-win.

It sounds like a

lot of work-work.

And these pigs coming

around here undressing me

with their eyes.

I could tell he wants

to be inside me.

No condo.

Makes me sick.

Alright, this money's

burning a hole in my pocket.

I'm gonna go buy me a fat

drug lord chain so I look

like a baller on these

streets, player.

Quincy, wait up.

Need help trying

that on, sweetie?

[indistinct chatter]

Your ass will look

so hot in that.

Oh, your hips will

look great in any--

So, how's it going?

I can't decide, this

one or this one?

-I kinda like...

-The one with less.

-Really?

-You know what?

What's the best way to

pick out a new costume?

Is to do a costume fitting

montage where you give me

-a thumbs up or thumbs down?

-Yes.

[upbeat music]

d

You have got to

be kidding me?

Those, those were

what guys like?

-Yeah.

-Oh!

Yes. Yes.

Well, it's your turn.

Okay.

[clears throat]

Let's get that.

You want some of this?

Hold up...

A dollar?

Let's get you that little

burn right there, baby.

Smell it.

Smells good, right?

Smells good.

Alright, alright.

Yo, man, tell

your friends.

Hey, hey, hey! How much

did you get for that?

One dollar,

dollar, dollar.

Oh my god, one dollar?

Dude, that cost

me ten dollars!

-What the f***?

-Oh.

it's time we take this weed

game to the next level.

Yeah, yeah,

the next level.

So look, I ordered us

shirts and hats with logos

and I was thinking maybe

we got matching shoes.

That'd be kinda cute if we

all had the same color shoes.

Yeah, yeah,

matching shoes...

What the f***, you repeating

everything I say?

And look, the

main thing is...

we need to step up our

internet game. Social media.

You look like you know

your way around a computer.

Twitter, Facebook,

Instagram.

And we can tell people how

much sh*t costs so they

Oh, that's a great

idea, great idea.

How about we put our

address there so they know

where to find us?

-Oh!

-Yeah!

What are you guys

celebrating about?

You dumb f***ing idiots.

You really wanna advertise

where we are, our address?

It's like telling the

feds, come arrest us,

come take us to jail.

I don't wanna go back

to jail, alright?

Oh my god, oh my god.

I cannot believe f***ing

Poppy set me up with a

bunch of fake p*ssy

ass gangsters.

Poppy, Poppy, was

f***ing wrong.

We know our sh*t.

I got this one.

So you really don't

like the shoe idea?

-How'd it go?

-Yeah, it was good.

What'd I miss, what'd I miss?

The shoes, right?

-I like the shoes.

-Shut the f*** up.

You guys, man.

You need to...

Nah, nah, nah, let me

show you how it's done.

-Hey, uh, need a date?

-Excuse me?

Uh, you need some weed?

What are you

new around here?

I don't recognize you.

Oh yeah, I just moved

here this week with my

half-brother, Trent.

Trent Cash?

Oh yeah, you know?

Same vagina,

different dick.

How do you know Trent?

I know everything there is

to know about Mr. Trent Cash.

Everything?

You even know

about his dad?

His dad?

Yeah, that's

some crazy sh*t.

Imagine having the Bridgeport

Butcher to be your father.

Poor guy.

What a bum deal he got.

Yeah, Bridgeport Butcher.

So I guess if you're

friends with Trent, I'll

be seeing you around, huh?

I'm sure there's nothing

else I can do you for.

No, I think I'm good.

You've been really

helpful as it is.

Yo, it's too obvious, man.

Come on, hurry it up.

Get the f*** out of here.

I'll see you around, man.

That guy was cool, man.

Hey, I got 50 bucks, dude!

Hey, hey, we're all going

to Denny's, motherf***er.

Don't worry about it,

you'll be fine.

Uh... how long does

it have to be?

I don't know.

Whatever.

It's not a big deal.

Really?

Well actually, we do take

it kind of seriously

so if your story sucks they

may possible kill you. Possibly.

-Oh, that's it?

-Yeah.

-Mhm.

-Oh.

Please stop

worrying, Mr. Cash.

[laughs]

If I'm going to get laid

tonight, we need to start

this stuff soon, okay, okay?

Since I ended it last

year, I'm gonna start off

this year's gathering with

a little story I like to

call, Don't Turn

on the Lights.

Ooh!

Okay. So basically...

[suspenseful music]

d

That was my first

day at Boy Scouts.

That was frightening.

-Disgusting.

-Thanks, man.

That was a really

good story.

F*** off, Britney.

Alright, well that was

certainly a story.

Yeah!

Okay, uh...

Connor.

Hm, no. Okay, then.

Trent, story time.

Uh, you know what?

I'll go.

I'll go next.

I have a good one.

[cheering]

Okay... So there were these

seven a**holes sitting

at a campfire one night.

And among them was...

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