Halloweed Page #5

has incriminating photos

that may or may not

be me at a rest stop.

It could've been

anyone's penis.

Madison will be done in

ten minutes and then we do

individual sessions.

Now do you have

suicide experience?

Oh yeah, I sure do.

Great, let's

check on Madison.

Okay.

[music]

d

It wasn't my penis.

What about me?

I think I started stripping

after my dad left.

So...

Mada...

How are things?

It's Adam.

Oh, right.

Not good.

My fianc dumped me.

She left me for my stepbrother

who, from what I understand,

is more well-endowed.

Oh!

Brutal.

Maybe you should

kill yourself.

That's what I'm thinking.

There's nothing left

for me on this earth.

I know that feeling.

Although, just when you

think there's no one out

there for you, that's

when you find them.

Really?

Oh yeah, there's someone

out there for everyone.

Probably not you,

but you never know.

But most likely not.

Hope it works out. Okay!

Sir, sir, I'm

happy to help.

-You're gonna be just fine.

-Thank you.

Okay, maybe not. Go ahead.

How did you do it?

I mean, nobody has ever gotten

through to Adam before.

I, um, just told

him the truth.

-The truth?

-Mhm.

And you proved

that it helps.

Um, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He'll be fine.

I think he's on the

straight narrow.

No one really says

that anymore, do they?

Not really.

But you were great.

I mean, Adam, he really

deserved a break.

So um, are we still

on for tomorrow night?

[loud thud]

And then the next night,

you can meet my friends.

I'm sorry, can

meet who, now?

Okay, so every year...

[crying]

Adam!

Adam!

Haven't you

learned anything?

You're making me look bad.

I wasn't high enough.

You are responsible for

these damages coming out

of your pocket.

Now clean it up!

Lupe.

Cancel my donation to

the orphanage fund.

Oh!

Mayor Price is outspending

me ten to one.

I need to put all the money

into my campaign fund.

Okay.

Lupe.

I want these Uncle Sam posters

put up all over town.

Every wall, every fence,

every telephone pole.

I want the town papered.

Oh, and get the high

school students to do it.

We won't have to pay them.

It's a good civics lesson.

Si, sir.

Yeah.

[upbeat music]

d

Yeah, you son of a gun.

[laughs]

Move it over here to

your left a little bit.

More.

Now wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

Bring it back, bring it

back, bring it back.

Just have a good ghost story

for her or something, bro.

Yeah, but it's

her friends, man.

And public speaking

isn't really my thing.

Hey, now bring

it over here.

-That's where I want it.

-You know, f*** this!

You know what? I'm gonna

leave it right here.

Is that feng shui

enough for you?

Look, just be

yourself, alright?

Is that feng shui

enough for you?

Alright, I'm gonna go grab

us safe pumpkin carving

kits and try and think of a

story to tell her friends.

Alright, do it up, dog.

Okay, dog.

By the way, how's

business going?

Dude, I'm f***ing

killing it.

I'm thinking about cutting

out the middle man and

taking over this

whole b*tch.

Alright, b*tch.

Break's over.

Move this thing back over

here in between the chairs.

I'm gonna let you take

care of whatever this is.

I got it.

See you, Lloyd.

Where do you want this?

Between the chairs.

Happy?

Perfect.

[laughing]

[speaking Spanish]

[brakes screeching]

[bells chime]

[knocking]

What?

Yo, yo, yo, check

it, alright?

He got a whole new crew,

selling all over town.

Says he's gonna be the new

king of the patch, not you.

Yeah, yeah.

He punking your ass.

Punking, get it?

Pumpkin?

Go home.

Get some sleep.

We'll kill them

all tomorrow.

All?

All of them.

Just like before.

He who has the

weed has the power.

For sure, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Yeah, okay, whatever

you say, Old Ray.

[nervous laughs]

-Thin ridge.

-Oh, thin ridge.

Alright, thank you, nurse.

Okay, now I don't wanna

question a doctor, but

are you going to

remove the guts?

Oh, yeah.

Um, nope.

All the seeds and all that

squishy sh*t in there...

-What?

-Always creeps me out so, mhm.

But this is the best part.

Great, then it's all you.

-Oh, come on. Come on.

-Knock yourself out.

Look at this.

See, look.

-Ew.

-It feels nice.

Come on, just

put your hand in.

-Mhm.

-Put your hand in.

Just do it.

Come on.

It's not that bad, see?

Come on. Feel that?

You're right.

It is kinda nice.

Wow.

Looks like I got

here just in time.

Damnit, Connor!

Man, you can't just walk in

here like you own the joint.

Actually I can because

I do own the joint, man.

Maddie, you're lucky you

have such a mature boyfriend.

I forgive you.

[laughs]

You mean the boyfriend

who up and leaves me,

goes to a big city.

No, our little arrangement

was over when you drove

off without even

a goodbye text.

Boyfriend?

-No, it's--

-Look.

I came home to help dad

with this election and

then start a political

career of my own and I'm

gonna do that with

you by my side.

As we agreed.

Every good congressman has a

hometown sweetheart story.

I won't be any different.

She's not a

prize or a prop.

Connor...

That's Mr. Connor Price.

And I'm sorry, I didn't

catch your name.

Mr. Trent Cash.

Alright, Mr. Trent Cash, you can

get the hell out of my house.

You told me you wouldn't

pull this kinda crap.

You said you'd help me.

Being engaged to a future

congressman will help both

of us, remember?

I won't ask again.

I'm pretty tight with

the local police.

We won't want an

incident, Trent.

I'll call you

tomorrow, Trent.

What, seriously?

It's his home. He'll call

the friggin' police.

So just...

I'll be fine.

Bye, Trent.

[music]

d

Hola.

Lupe. Yeah.

You weren't at your desk

so I called your cell.

I don't care if you're on

your way home to your casa.

Listen to me. Listen...

Listen to me.

This new flyer and

poster is no good, Lupe.

It's no good.

The price is too high.

The price is too high.

What does that even mean?

What do you mean,

I don't comprende?

I comprende fine.

Price too high!

No more, no more.

You're done, no more.

F***ing immigrants.

[exhales]

[door creaks open]

[door creaks open]

[music]

d

[laughs]

Well you're a little big

to be trick or treating,

don't you think?

[laughs]

[baby laughing]

Hey, that's not funny!

That's not funny!

What are you doing?

Hey!

[suspenseful music]

Why are you doing this?

Did Price put

you up to this?

Huh?

[suspenseful music]

d

[heavy breathing]

[nervous yelling]

[suspenseful music]

d

[baby laughing]

[baby laughs]

[suspenseful music]

d

[dramatic music]

d

[groaning]

Lupe!

[laughing]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

He's gone.

Can you come back

like right now?

[rock music]

d

Oops.

Let me get that.

[laughs]

You get that.

Oh, Trent.

Whoa, Trent!

Sh*t!

Sorry! I, uh...

What the f*** are

you doing in here?

Well, the lightbulb in

the living room went out.

I needed a replacement.

-Okay.

-Lightbulbs aren't included.

Okay.

You sick bastard.

[laughs]

Gotta get that doorknob fixed.

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