Hamlet 2 Page #2

It was stupid.

It was stupid, but it was also theater.

Okay, I'd like to borrow

your cell. Call 911.

Yolanda?

Yolanda?

It's free. Wake up.

Hey.

We started without you.

Apologies.

I had to spend some

time with the lawyers

for the school district and paramedics.

Now, it's all going to work out.

There's no brain damage.

No charges will be pressed.

I think I need a

quesadilla. Immediamente!

Nothing you are saying

makes any sense to me.

Turns out my class is fourteen

times as crowded as it normally is.

I've got a real tough nut to crack.

A Mexican boy, lives by his wits.

I'm going to inspire this year.

I mean, make a real difference.

I feel, for the first time, I

can make a genuine difference.

Oh, God! I am getting hammered!

Careful, Brie. You know how you get.

No, Dana. How do I get?

Please, tell me how I get.

Hmm?

No, I see. I got you. I totally got you.

Okay, she got me.

You guys laugh so much.

Another gem of an insight from Gary.

Our boarder, Gary.

Hey, don't forget. We have

an A-P-P-O-l-N-T-M-E-N- at the sperm doctor on Wednesday.

I don't like airing

our personal business

in front of

you-know-who, Gary,

but if you're shooting

blanks, I swear to God,

I'm going to stab you

to death in your sleep.

But, seriously, you gotta

let your balls breathe, okay?

It's in that pamphlet I read.

It's... And the corduroy has got

to go, especially with the skating.

It's like...

We live in Tucson, for f***'s sake.

You're broiling our little tadpoles

in that crotch of yours. What?

Can I get a virgin strawberry, please?

Seven years sober.

Awesome.

I seriously, seriously wish

you would start drinking again.

Brie, I would never judge you.

Good, because if I had to give up booze,

I'd blow my brains out

living in this sh*t-sack city.

Anyway, to Dana.

My husband. What the

f*** was I thinking?

I'm just kidding.

I don't have a drink.

Did you do something

different with your hair today?

Look, I have a life plan,

and it does not include you.

Well, if you don't

spend no time with me,

how are you supposed to

get to know me, sunshine?

That's the whole point.

I don't want to spend time with you.

So pretty!

It's from Ethiopia.

I re-watched a fantastic

movie last night,

Dangerous Minds,

starring the gorgeous Michelle Pfeiffer.

It gave me a little insight into

your character, Mr. Tough Guy.

Okay, stand up.

Why?

We're going to karate.

No, man. I don't think so.

Come on.

Nice freeball.

Now, punch me.

I'm not punching a guy in a dress.

It's a kaftan, my friend.

Keeps my balls at room temp. Now, do it.

Don't make me do this.

Do it.

Do it!

You all right?

Mr. M? Oh, my God!

I can't believe this is happening to me.

Mr. M, are you okay?

Breathe!

I wasn't ready.

Mr. Marx, could I have a minute?

Sure! Sure, sure.

What's the matter with you?

Trying to inspire a troubled student.

Look, I thought you should

know as soon as possible.

Last night, the school board, which

is facing major financial cuts,

decided to cancel drama.

Cancel how?

Completely. Forever.

You can stay till the end of

the term and after that, get out.

You can't have a school

without a drama department.

Sure, you can.

This is obviously a practical joke.

Look, the county and the school

district are in fiscal crisis.

All the arts programs

are on the chopping block.

And let's face it, we're not

producing any Oscar-winners here.

Tony.

What?

That would be Tony-winners.

It's the award for theater.

Listen up, guy. I've seen your plays.

This is no great loss.

Well, you're a dirty, violent beaner!

You shouldn't have hit him like that!

Shut up, you cow. It wasn't my fault.

He made me hit him.

That, to you...

You are racist, okay?

And a terrible person! Oh, really?

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Mr. Marschz? Are you okay?

No, Rand! I'm not okay!

Can you tell me how

a little boy

from a dairy farm in Manitoba,

who dreams of acting but

can't do it very well,

and could never get a decent agent,

so he moves on, decides to teach,

to pass on his love of the craft...

Can you tell me how

he deals with all the

God-awful crap that's

handed out to him without

wrapping his lips around a.45

and just blowing his brains out?

Don't do it!

Is he acting?

No, he's not that good.

Mr. Marschz!

Dana Marschz's wavering consciousness

led him to believe that

he was leaving this Earth

and all its trials.

But the fates had long ago deigned

that his life's work

was only just begun.

Where the fark have you been?

Staring into the abyss of nothingness.

Drama has been cancelled.

Finally! Now you can go

back to your job at Rite Aid

and start making some real money.

Oh, Dana, I found a great

parking spot right out front

and there was still time on the meter.

They should just ship

you on over to the Gulf,

you know, let you talk to people.

All the terrorists would

just kill themselves.

Well, I, for one, am very

appreciative that Gary drove you here.

Why did you bring that thing?

I don't know. I thought maybe I

could work through my grief in song.

Maybe it's better that I just...

I can't get pregnant.

I think we shouldn't

pass on this gene pool.

This is for you, baby.

Am I shooting blanks?

Are my testicles an empty tank?

Is it all a ruse when I go kergluge?

Why?

I want to

Splash you with my

hot-buttered love spackle

So put your lips around

this wedding tackle

It's nuclear war!

Meyerschz? Yeah, I need a

copy of your insurance card.

Can you get the... Thanks.

I'm sorry about my husband.

He's not right in the head.

It's okay. It's Marschz, by the way.

Marschz? Yeah.

Marschz.

Marschz?

Marschz.

Marschz?

Marschz.

Marschz.

I don't care.

Excuse me, I'm sorry to be so forward,

but you look a lot like my favorite

actress of all time, Elisabeth Shue.

Yeah. I am her.

But you really look like her.

Well, that's because I am her.

Oh, my God! I knew it in my heart-soul.

Oh, my God! I'm freaking out!

I'm freaking out.

You, you were wonderful

in Leaving Las Vegas...

Oh, thank you.

...and so fabulously funny

in Adventures in Babysitting,

not forgetting Cocktail with Tom Cruise.

What is he like? He seems totally great.

What are you doing in Tucson?

Oh, my God! I'm freaking out!

I'm actually a nurse now.

I just, you know, got kind of

sick of the business, you know?

Sick of all the horrible people,

and it's all about being

a f***ing celebrity now.

Anyway, there's a real

shortage of nurses out there,

and I like taking care of people.

Oh, my God! I didn't hear

anything you just said

because I'm too excited.

Would you come and speak

with my drama class?

They would just lose their minds.

No. They wouldn't even

know who I am, anyway.

They would.

All right. I'll come.

But, I'm gonna talk about all the

insecurity and the self-Ioathing,

the rejection...

Perfect!

So, what's Nick Cage really like?

I mean, were you just

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