Hampstead Page #2

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With what? I mean, I have no skills.

None that matter.

I have nothing of value to offer anyone.

I'm sorry. I... I didn't...

No, it's okay.

- I didn't mean to upset you.

- It's all right.

Just take it in steps, that's all.

Steps.

I don't know, maybe sell something.

EMILY:
Sell something? I'm...

What am I gonna do?

There must be something.

There must be... No, no, no, no, that's not it.

What...

(COUGHS)

(EXHALES)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Let me see how...

- Yeah.

- (GLASSES CLINK)

Ow!

Okay...

- (MOBILE RINGING)

- Oh!

Okay.

Come on. Where the heck is it?

Okay, got it.

- Hello?

- Yes, I... I'm a friend of Fiona Ashton.

My name is James Smythe.

Oh, I... Oh, yes, of course.

- The accountant?

- Yes.

Yeah. Oh, well, I just wanted to ask...

Well, I... I have one or two

pressing matters that, um,

you might be able to help me with.

We can discuss this at Villa Bianca.

You want to meet at some expensive

Hampstead restaurant

to discuss my financial problems?

Perfect. Let's say 1:00, then.

One... Then when?

- Tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?

Great. See you then.

Hm.

Oh, beautiful.

(GASPS)

Wait a minute. Wait.

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXHALES)

A little march against farm-raised salmon?

A little march against farm-raised...

(LIVELY CHATTER)

- A march against farm-raised salmon?

- No, thanks.

It's a really good cause.

The way they're treated is disgusting.

Farm-raised salmon. Thank you so much.

- Guys, excuse me. Farm-raised salmon.

- Keep up!

(MUTTERING)

Oh. Yes.

Ohh! Ah.

Mmm!

I'm sorry, excuse me, but is everything okay?

Hm? Oh, yes, yes. Why?

Well...

I mean, you just grunted.

And I just thought...

Do you think this is the right place

to be doing this? Maybe we should go...

Oh. Well, no, they... they kind of...

They kind of know me here.

EMILY:
Oh.

And based on what Fiona said, I...

I assumed you needed a, a nice lunch.

Oh, I see. What else did Fiona say?

Oh, um, nothing really. Um... Things.

Listen, um...

It's not good. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

And, um, I have a sense that this is just

the sort of tip of the iceberg.

Yeah, I know. I left the iceberg at home.

(CHUCKLES) That's good.

Do you think you could help me, though,

- in some way? I...

- Oh, no, I...

I can get you out of this.

- No, not a problem.

- Really?

Yeah, things have just been a bit neglected,

that's all.

Oh, I know. You're right about that.

How else are you neglecting yourself, Emily?

I'm sorry?

Well, pension contributions,

tax-efficient savings. I...

I don't see any of that.

There's just so much

that I can be doing for you.

Oh.

And, Emily, you won't owe me a penny.

Wow. Oh, wow.

Oh...

Oh, thank you so much.

You know, Fiona, she did say...

You were kind.

Well... One of many things.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

- (BOTH GIGGLING)

- Oh, thank you.

- Let's drink to that.

- Oh, shall we?

- One more.

- Kindness and accounting.

(LAUGHS) Okay. Kindness and... Yeah.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Get him!

(INDISTINCT) Hey! Hey!

Hey!

What?

Hey, there! Stop!

Oh, my... Oh, my...

Oh, my God!

Oh, sh*t!

Um...

(DIAL TONE)

- WOMAN:
Emergency services.

- Yes! Oh, hello.

Yes, this is an emergency.

(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

FIONA:
He probably hasn't

got a mobile phone even, has he?

I mean, who knows?

I think we just go round the...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

And the whole thing...

Oh, here she is!

Mobile phone masts on the Heath.

Well, let me guess.

We're in favour of these too.

No, we're against them, of course.

Oh, you make me out to be such a monster.

Oh, I'm glad you're joining us.

So, er, Mary, you're going to do

round the cinema, aren't you?

- Yes.

- Emily, I know you like to stay local,

so why don't you do Hampstead Lane?

And then you can go up round the Heath

and circle round, do a whole circle.

Excuse me, sir. I have a petition here

against mobile phone masts.

No, okay. Not today.

Are you interested in the problem?

In signing a petition about

mobile phone masts?

No? Because... Hello.

Excuse me. No? Not this time?

(LEAVES RUSTLE)

Wow.

(WHISPERING) Who is this guy?

Er...

Hello?

Hello. Sorry.

Hi, there. This is, er...

This is about a petition.

Okay, thank you.

(INSECTS BUZZING)

Oh.

Hello, Charles.

I was in the neighbourhood and...

I know. I know. It's... It's been a while.

It's always, gosh, when I think about you,

you know,

I just can't help but think about us.

But, then,

isn't it crazy?

I mean, I know...

I know I've said this before...

But even to this day,

I still can't help but think about...

What could have been going on...

Excuse me.

With you and that little whore,

whose pictures you left

in your safety deposit box.

The safety deposit box,

for God's sakes, you idiot!

I'm not gonna let this go,

you sleeping bastard!

Did you ever even think about all the sh*t

that you left for me to shovel up?

Oh, yeah. The bills, the debts,

the whole goddamn mess of it all!

I'm just so mad!

Oh!

(UNEVEN FOOTSTEPS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(MOBILE RINGING)

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Fiona? Yeah.

Mm-hm. Yes, everything is going well.

Listen, actually, you know, I'm...

I'm in the cemetery right now.

Can I call you back later? Thank you.

Hello, there. Hi. Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

I... I'm really sorry.

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

Too late for that.

I saw you on the ground.

I thought maybe you were hurt

and I was just kind of...

Actually, I was curious

if you would be interested

in signing a petition here that...

Petition?

Yes. I have a list of names right here.

You think I don't know

what a bloody petition is?

Let me guess.

This petition is something to do with

preventing the existence

of a notorious scourge

on your beloved Hampstead Heath?

Yes, as a matter of fact, it does.

Do you think my mother bore

a complete halfwit?

Is there such a thing as a complete halfwit?

- Do you know who I am?

- Huh?

Why would I sign something

that would hoist me on my own petard?

I'm sorry, I don't know what a petard is,

so I can't really...

Okay, thank you.

Thank you. See?

Guardians of the Heath

against mobile phone masts.

Is this it?

Yes.

It's nothing to do with me?

No, nothing at all, no.

Well...

Well, come on.

These towers are a health hazard.

And I would expect somebody

who actually lives around there...

If people want to stay attached to

their radioactive walkie-talkies,

it's their business.

Do I like what they're doing? No.

Do I like them? Probably not.

Do I respect their right to do as their little,

shallow hearts desire?

I most certainly do. So, no, I don't care.

And if I were a betting man,

I'd wager now that you don't really have

a dog in this hunt either.

I beg your pardon. You don't know me.

But you clearly do know me and where I live.

I... No, I am the one.

- I called the police.

- What?

Yes, the other night.

You were being attacked

and I saw you from my window,

so I telephoned the police.

And I live... I live over there,

at West Heath Road.

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