Hampstead Page #6

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- It's on the rain barrel.

EMILY:
Back up against the...

That's right. Just... That's it.

Did you see this? Where do I put the rope?

- DONALD:
Nah, hold on.

- EMILY:
Here, I'll hold on to it.

No, we lift it. 'Cause, you know,

you do have the hinge on the...

Sorry. I'm really sorry about that. Go inside.

- Do you want to take a break?

- No, no... Okay.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, I'll take a break.

- Oh...

- It's not bad.

What are you talking about?

It's way better than it was before.

Aye, you're right.

Appreciate it.

- Excuse me?

- What... What's that?

I'm really having trouble hearing him,

are you?

- Yeah, it's odd. I can't...

- All right. Enough, enough, all right.

Thank you.

(ERIK IMITATES HOWLING)

(LAUGHS)

I don't know about you.

I've got a bit of a pong about me.

Oh.

Fancy a swim?

(LAUGHS)

(GIGGLES)

He's a good kid. Huh?

- Is he?

- Yes, yes.

I know.

Aye, he's a good kid.

He's just a little bit lost, no?

- Christ, listen to me.

- What?

I sound like me father.

Where were you born?

Why?

Why? Because, I don't know,

it's the kind of question

most normal people might ask each other.

North County, Dublin.

- Ahhh.

- A little place outside Dublin.

Ireland.

And what was that like?

Well, we had a bit of...

A bit of a farm, a small farm, you know.

Well, we had until my old man

drove it into the ground.

Then my mum passed away and I wandered.

It took me years to get to London.

Years, huh?

Uh, well...

I kind of took the scenic route, you know.

- Uh-huh.

- Morocco, Amsterdam, the usual.

- I was a bit of an idiot.

- Why?

Oh, I ran and just kept running.

(SIGHS)

- Yeah, then London.

- London.

You met someone, huh?

Umm...

Valerie.

Hmm.

Yeah, she was older than me.

She owned this little caf...

Ran this little caf in Camden Town.

I started working for her

and then helped her run it.

It's less than two miles from here.

Yeah, and then what happened?

What happened?

Well, she got sick.

Yeah.

And I got scared.

And then she, of course,

copped it on immediately.

I wasn't really coping with it, you know.

Especially when she got worse, the cancer.

So...

She told me I should take a break.

And I knew I shouldn't, but I did. I ran again.

Yeah.

We kind of...

Well, we both knew what

was happening, you know.

And it happened.

I'm sorry.

Hey, you know what?

I think I'm gonna cook for us tonight.

I'm gonna make us a small feast.

Donald.

Here. Go ahead.

Don't be too late.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Hey.

- Hey.

- How are you?

All good.

ALL:
Surprise!

Oh... Oh, my God!

Well, to answer your question, Mary,

I don't think she suspected anything.

Oh, happy birthday, Emily.

Now, for the exclusive pleasure

of our birthday girl...

The Ukulele Orchestra of Hampstead.

- (JAMES HUMS)

- Oh.

Happy birthday to you...

Happy birthday to you...

Happy birthday, dear Emily

(STRETCHES THE NOTE)

Happy birthday to you

- Oh!

- Ohhh!

(ALL CHEERING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

- WOMAN:
It's really good. It was excellent.

- No, thank you very much.

- WOMAN:
Really delicious.

- Thank you. Thank you so much.

You know, I don't think parties

really need to last this long.

Oh, come along, Emily. Just enjoy yourself.

Let yourself go once in a while.

Oh, well done, Mr Music Man.

Oh, well. Well, thank you.

(LAUGHS)

How's our birthday girl?

Oh...

- Happy birthday, Emily.

- Oh, thank you.

(MUFFLED GASP)

(INDISTINCT MURMURING)

Maybe you'd like to make

a little speech, Emily.

Oh, yes, of course.

ALL:
Speech! Speech! Speech!

Speech! Speech! Speech!

- GUESTS:
Speech! Speech! Speech!

- Thank you so much, James.

Thank you.

Well, I just... Thank you, everyone.

You're all just...

You're...

Wonderful?

Wonderful. Oh, my goodness,

you really are wonderful.

I would have written a little speech

for this occasion,

but, of course, it is a surprise party,

so, duh, what are we talking about anyway?

- Yeah.

- Again! So I just...

I love you, I truly do. I love you all, and...

And without you I don't know

what my life would have been like.

This isn't a going-away party.

No, no, of course,

of course it's not, no, not quite.

Um...

You know, actually...

I think this might be a good time

to make a little announcement.

You see...

- I've found someone.

- (ALL GASP)

(SINGING IN SPANISH)

Hold on, hold on.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

James!

Well, I think you all kind of know him.

Or of him, and he's very special.

He's completely transformed

the way I look at life.

- He's...

- MARY:
Rory?

I was coming in now and I saw that tramp

from the Heath running up the stairs.

- I think he's gone into the attic.

- The attic? Oh, God.

Why didn't Xavier stop him?

Xavier, what are you doing up here?

I got hungry.

Oh, for heaven's sake,

there's an intruder in our building.

EMILY:
Wait. But let's talk about

this before you go.

Please, wait just a second.

We need to talk about this.

Wait. I'll do it. I'll do it.

- Come on, boys. Come on.

- Yes, go.

Let them go.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(GASPS) It is. It's him.

It's the tramp from the Heath.

MARY:
Oh, my God.

- This man has been living here.

- (GASPS)

- What is...

- EMILY:
Oh, dear. Sorry about this.

I'm sorry.

- Oh, my darling...

- No, no, darling.

No, no, no, you just...

You just stay right there.

What are you gonna do, strum me to death?

I think you've got some explaining to do,

haven't you?

Actually, I wouldn't mind

an explanation myself.

Oh... Well...

- Don't worry about it.

- EMILY:
Oh...

- I'm sorry.

- No, wait, Donald. Please, just wait.

- What the hell is going on, Emily?

- Yes, what is going on, Emily?

Nothing. It's just...

Well, it's a misunderstanding, that's all it is.

Really? Then why are there

candles over there?

There's wax everywhere.

Yeah, well, that's... That's...

The way I bought them, slightly used

candles, at the one-pound shop.

And what about the bed?

Is that slightly used too?

My God, it's like some sort of sordid sex den.

Where are my mother's ashes?

Okay. For God's sakes, really.

Yes, you found us out.

We sprinkled your mother's ashes

all over our love shack,

and we've been going at it like two deranged

rabbits in every possible space.

Well, right there in the old stove box.

And inside the Renfrews' inflatable dinghy.

And, oh, don't forget Dr Patel's

vintage dentist chairs.

And all before lunch, okay?

And, anyway, I'm sorry.

You know what?

But I gotta go.

Donald?

Donald, wait, please.

Donald.

Just talk to me, okay?

Will you talk to me?

Ukulele Tom up there will be looking for you.

James.

I led him on. I did, I know.

He's been doing my accounts and I...

See, I... Donald...

I'm in a big hole.

I'm in a hole.

I'm in a big mess financially and...

And James helped me out

because he thought

that he was going to get something in return.

And I wasn't brave enough

to make it clear to him

that he's not and he... He won't.

I think he knows that now.

You know, Emily, I could almost accept that

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