Hampstead Page #5

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Well, I don't know.

No, I'm sorry. I really am.

It won't happen again.

I was out of order.

What hearing?

What?

Well, somewhere in the middle

of that tantrum

you mentioned the words

"court" and "hearing".

Okay.

All right, so, of course.

"Brevon International

seeks immediate vacancy.

"Failure to appear will be regarded as..."

This is serious.

They're gonna throw you out.

And it's not your problem.

We all have problems, Donald.

But no-one can hear you howling at the world

with your head stuck in the sand.

Do you really want to save your home?

I'm just asking you.

I have no idea where to start.

(SIGHS)

Well,

you're gonna need a lawyer.

How do I look?

Good.

Okay.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(MUNCHING)

Oh, God.

(MUMBLES)

Well, you've um...

Certainly captured your public's imagination.

They can have it back if I can keep my home.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, Donald, when you took... Oh, for...

(SCRIBBLING)

Is there another one here?

Well, wait a minute.

You know what? I think I have a pen.

- Yeah.

- Oh. Thanks.

So, Donald, when you

chose to be homeless...

I have a home.

Yeah, I mean, of course,

I've seen the pictures.

- Well, it's much nicer inside.

- Yeah, I have no doubt.

It's just Brevon International insists

that you're leeching off the land.

Listen to me.

I'm indebted to no-one. I am my own man.

I grow my own food.

I generate my own electricity.

Whatever I am, I am not a leech.

Do you understand?

That's all well and good.

It's just many would write you off as...

Well, mad.

Better a madman than a slave.

Point taken but, for our purposes,

it might be best for the madman

to leave the mad at home.

Uh, we don't lose our temper

when we give evidence.

It plays to a stereotype.

So, we just need to establish that your shack

has been a permanent residence

on the land for at least 12 years.

Ah, we've no problem, then.

- Try 17.

- What?

Seventeen years?

What are you doing there, Donald?

What?

It's a perfectly straightforward question.

Why won't you leave the Heath?

Look, I want you both to realise something.

These are well-connected

wolves in silk suits.

- You don't know these people.

- Yeah, well, they don't know me.

But they will soon enough, and uh...

These decisions usually come

down to the judge's discretion.

Introduce the court

to the decent, wise Donald.

Park the bombast at the door,

otherwise we'll never win.

Right, get comfortable.

We're gonna be some time.

- That's my life.

- You do seem happy amongst the people.

- I'm spiteful.

- I'm spiteful too.

- All of the above. Are we crossing here?

- Yeah.

Sorry.

That's mine, actually (CHUCKLES)

It's not... See the shape? Yeah.

(BUS BELL DINGS)

(GASPS) What?

- Oh, my God. Oh, my...

- Hang on.

(SCOFFS)

Well, wait a minute.

Oh, my God.

(BOOK THUDS)

I mean...

You know what?

Let's just come back

and sort this out in the morning.

Okay.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Well, um, this is where I live.

Oh, so make yourself comfortable.

- I'll... I'll be right back.

- Thanks.

Oh, God.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, no!

(SIGHS)

Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh, oh...

Uh...

(FOOTSTEPS)

What are you doing up here?

Observing the natives.

- Uh... (CHUCKLES)

- Hey...

- Did you take these?

- Maybe.

- DONALD:
Good.

- Oh...

Yeah, well, I dabbled in college.

You should dabble some more.

Are you sure this is

how you wanna spend your time?

Not really.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Are you getting furnishing ideas?

I was just thinking about

what the story is with all this stuff.

Yeah.

- Is that an urn?

- Hm. Yes. Mary.

3-B. It's her mother's.

I can point it the other way

if you feel like you're being watched.

Yeah.

Yeah.

- You know, it's funny.

- What?

I don't think this place suits you.

This place?

Oh, no, this place suits me fine.

- No, your flat, I mean.

- Oh.

You know, it feels like someone else's life.

Not yours.

Yeah.

I've wasted so much time.

(SCOFFS)

Here's to new beginnings.

New beginnings.

- (CHUCKLES)

- And breakfast.

- Yeah.

- And breakfast.

- (GASPS) Oh!

- Sorry.

- You're wearing a curtain.

- Yes.

Yes, it was um...

I got a little cold, so...

You're up to something, Mum.

What? How could I have possibly raised

such a suspicious son?

Oh. By acting so suspiciously.

Oh, God, I am starving.

Mmm! I was on my way to a meeting.

I thought I'd swing by.

Yeah? You know, they should

feed you at these meetings.

- You've been ignoring my calls, Mother.

- You ignore mine.

Yes, but that's the natural order of things.

Mothers should answer. Sons get worried.

- There you go. Yes.

- Mmm!

- You're a saint.

- Uh-huh.

Have you got any plans for Friday?

Friday?

Friday. It's your birthday.

Oh...

I'm afraid I have to be out of town

for a few days.

Uh-huh. Well, you know,

don't worry about anything.

You know, I'll probably just spend

a little time with Fiona and the gang

and it'll be fine, so whatever. (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

You know what? I really have to

get to the charity shop quite soon.

- No, yeah, I've gotta run too.

- Thank you.

I had hoped we could continue

our talk about money.

Oh, oh, didn't I tell you? Actually, I'm

getting advice from Fiona's accountant, so...

- Oh...

- Hmm.

- That's brilliant.

- Hmm.

I hope he's not asking for too much.

No, no. No, no, not at all. No, no.

I don't know, Mum. I have a feeling

you're not telling me everything.

What could I possibly be hiding?

(DONALD HUMMING)

DONALD:
Oh. Hello, there. Um...

Sorry...

I didn't hear you come in.

- Mud in my ears.

- (EMILY CHUCKLES)

Actually, this is, umm... This is my son,

Philip, and this is my, umm...

Handyman.

Yeah, he's very handy.

Okay, and that's my cue.

Umm...

- It's very nice to meet you.

- Sorry. Donald.

- Donald.

- Donald.

- Uh, Mum, I'll... I'll be in touch.

- Okay. Bye.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

Okay. (SIGHS)

- Oh!

- (BOTH LAUGH)

Here you are.

- How is everything?

- Oh, you know, I mean, the usual.

- How's everything with James?

- James?

- James. Oh. Yeah.

- Oh... We need to catch up.

We need to catch up.

- Oh...

- (MOBILE RINGS)

Yeah, hello?

Hey! Good news.

They've given us our hearing date.

It's a week from Monday.

- ERIK:
Oh, morning, Mrs W.

- Oh, Erik.

This is what it's all about. Our right to

the land, to affordable housing.

I'm one of Donald's people.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Did you hear that?

He's one of Donald's people.

Isn't it nice to accept help?

He needs help.

ERIK:
They can bend us, but never break us,

'cause it only serves to make us more

determined to achieve our final goal.

Aren't those the words to I Am Woman?

Come on. Work to be done.

(WHISTLES)

- EMILY:
Yeah. You got that.

- ERIK:
Thanks.

Yeah, that's right. Sorry.

- DONALD:
Ooh, yeah, that's rotten.

- I like this colour.

- (BOTH LAUGH)

- What?

- You did it?

- Course we did it.

- But where's it going?

- Up there.

Uh-huh.

- DONALD:
Where are you putting them?

- Hmm?

- No, no, do you see? They're beautiful.

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