Hampstead Page #4

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The tree's in the middle,

so it just sort of grabs people.

EMILY:
Yeah, that's good, but...

No, wait. Look.

(LAUGHS)

- Oh. Yeah. I can change that.

- Did you mean that?

No, I didn't, but I am a bit dyslexic.

EMILY:
There's "Save", yeah. There you go.

Yeah, that's good.

- There's one. Top one is ready.

- Okay. The top one.

Hi. Thanks. Thanks so much.

- Yes.

- A twofer. Look at that. That looks good.

Not upside down. Here, make it

straight across so they'll be drawn to it.

Wrap it. Wrap it. Oh, genius, genius.

This is the campaign.

Porridge and Nick, if you take that one there.

Yeah, tweet it now. Tweet the crap out of it.

(LIVELY CHATTER AND MUSIC IN DISTANCE)

ORGANISER:
How many have you got left?

Hey, you.

Would you invite me to come

and stomp all over your garden?

Look, we're gonna help you, man.

What's this, "Save the Shack"?

What am I, your cause of the month now?

Couldn't get anywhere

with global warming, no?

Mr Horner, I'm... I'm Mark Kasdan from

the Hampstead And Highgate Express.

If you have a moment...

Do you think I'm just made of moments

that I can pass around

like Communion wafers?

Get away from here.

That goes for all of you. Get away!

Get away from here!

WOMAN:
What are you...

- What?

- (EMILY GASPS)

Oh.

I don't need help. I'm doing fine without it!

I don't even know where

those bloody idiots came from!

Well, I do.

I asked them and...

I mean, look, I...

I don't really know you. I mean, not well.

But you can't tell me that

that was your first eviction notice.

And, really, if you really want to stay here,

you're gonna have to fight for it.

All right, you tell me all the fights

that you've fought, Miss Emily.

You know, why don't you just do that?

All the untold risks

that you've taken personally,

you know, in the name of principle.

Risks that obviously entitle

you to manipulate the lives of others

without their knowledge

- or consent.

- Okay.

- (DOOR OPENS)

- Tell me about your battles, Miss Emily.

(DOOR CLOSES)

I'm all ears.

Who's James?

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Do you own shares in a luxury hotel

and spa complex

in Lanzarote called Villa Taj Exotica?

Not that I know of.

Well, now you know.

They're what's called subprime shares.

They're actually costing you.

Well, Charles, huh?

Yeah, the gift that keeps on giving, right?

But what am I gonna do? I don't...

I mean, I don't know.

I mean, am I gonna have to sell my flat?

Oh, no, no, no, you will relax, that's what...

I mean, that's why I'm here.

Your flat is safe.

Thank you.

I mean, yes, you're drowning

in a sinkhole of debt.

A fourth-year medical student's probably got

more savings in the can than you right now,

but I can get you through this, Emily.

So, now, listen, let's just crack on

and attack these debts.

- Okay.

- Shall we now?

Most of them can be absorbed

as tax write-offs.

We just need to find

a friendly party to take them on.

Um... I do quite a lot of work

for Fiona's husband, Rory.

Yes, and his company

may very well be able to help us out.

Er... Are you okay there?

No, I'm... I'm fine.

It's... It's just that...

I don't know, I...

I just didn't really think it was going to...

(SIGHS) Be this much effort, you know?

It's okay. I'll squeeze my paid

work in between.

(CHUCKLES)

Thank you. I know you have

a lot on your plate. I know.

Yes, I do indeed. God,

I could do with a holiday right now.

Oh, I know what you mean about that. Yeah.

Yes, I hear the Ionian Islands

are perfect this time of year.

You know, I love Greece.

It's a place I've always

wanted to visit, you know, and...

- Yes, well, you...

- (EMILY GASPS)

You see here this luxury hotel

nestled in this quaint fishing village?

Ooh! That's a wow, huh?

So what... That's something there.

I knew you'd fancy it.

And, Emily...

There's no strings attached.

No, well, you know something?

About those strings.

I mean, this is beautiful.

It's amazing. It's just that I...

Oh, no, you need time to think about it.

Yes.

Yes, that is... That's exactly what I need,

just a little thinking time here.

- Well, then, you think.

- Yeah.

I'll work.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Thank you.

So, what are we... What have we got there?

- Well, er, cars...

- Yes, cars.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Karl's?

Oh, what in God's name?

Karl Marx.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well.

Listen, it wasn't meant for you, you know.

Erm...

Wait. Are you saying something?

Just about the other day,

losing my temper,

all that growling like a rabid Rottweiler.

I wouldn't exactly call it growling.

It was more like a kind of a baying sound,

sort of like some kind of a sick hippo.

All right.

Well, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

I don't understand. What's with you

and this hanging out in cemeteries?

Quietest place in the city.

Mm. Quiet up above, but who knows

what's going on down below?

Yeah. Party, I bet. A massive party.

You know,

I think Dante Rossetti is buried here.

He was my favourite Pre-Raphaelite.

So, you an artist?

No. No, I'm not anything.

But I studied.

Actually, it's not Rossetti.

It's his wife, Elizabeth.

Do you know the story?

Uh-uh.

Well, they lost a baby in childbirth.

She killed herself.

He buried a manuscript of poems with her.

That's so romantic.

Ten years later,

he hadn't got two beans to rub together.

What's a poor lad to do?

Finds two beans?

He obtains a permit to disinter her.

Literally claws the book from her hair.

I mean, made a pretty penny in the end,

but imagine,

her hair ripping off in his hands.

Worms oozing from the hollow caverns

where once blinked her sky-blue eyes.

Wine?

Oh, no, I...

No, thanks, really.

I think I've had a bit too much.

Yeah, well, you said that the last time.

Oh.

Do you drink too much all the time?

No, only when I drink.

Very good.

You know, this is really tasty.

Mm-hmm.

I'm really loving these nuts.

There are not nuts.

No, mushrooms, berries, beans...

Oh, the crickets.

Tell me I'm not eating crickets.

Well, course you're not.

They're technically grasshoppers.

Come on. Uh-uh.

No. No.

Pine nuts.

What do you mean?

No, they're pine nuts, I swear.

Unless something jumped in.

- Will you stop it?

- (LAUGHS)

- (GIGGLES)

- Okay.

Anyway...

May I ask you something?

Sure.

Yeah, it's about what happened the other day,

and those people,

they really wanted to help you,

and I do too.

I don't need any help.

Of course you do. We all need help.

I didn't ask for any.

Well, what do you mean?

Look, I'm no-one's charity case, okay?

I'm a man who lives as he chooses to,

and I'm not going to any effing court

or any effing hearing either.

No-one is taking my home from me!

Okay, all right, Mr Angry.

Okay. Listen, there's no reason

to wake the dead here. None.

The dead make more sense to me.

Oh, my God. Okay, that's enough.

That's enough. I don't know.

How can you expect anyone

to put up with all this nonsense?

All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I was wrong.

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