Handsome: A Netflix Mystery Movie Page #7

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right to your face.

- Never met her.

- Oh, I think otherwise.

As a matter of fact,

I've got a half-wit theory about it.

I think you met Heather

at the Lalalime party.

I think when she was denied

a Silky Lamb gift bag,

she went looking for a celebrity.

And she found you.

She came home with you.

You two had sex to seal the deal.

And she landed that Silky Lamb lotion

as a parting gift.

She stopped by the night of the murder.

Things got sexy again.

I think you creamed Heather head to toe

before you made love to her.

After sex, you two were lounging around,

flipping through the channels.

Ooh! Oh! It's my movie.

You found your own movie!

You never pass up watching your own movie.

This is the worst thing I've ever seen.

I think Heather made fun

of your crappy performance.

Is this, like, before you took

acting classes? This thing sucks.

Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man.

She had a bad habit of that.

You know, people I talked to

said she liked to do a little ribbing.

I think she was standing about right here.

And then you got angry.

Yeah, real angry.

You shoved Heather

from a dark place of inner rage.

But I think she was very greasy.

Very slippery.

And she fell backwards into your statue,

which, of course, explains

the globe-shaped dent in her head.

A woman lay dead on your floor

because of your fragile ego.

And then you panicked.

And you went to your neighbor's garage

and you chopped her up

to make it look like it was

some sort of serial killer type thing.

Your cuts were so profoundly sloppy

because your hands were heavily creamed,

the tools slipping in and out.

And then you chopped up her body

and threw it out on your front lawn.

Like a pile of dog sh*t.

'Cause who's gonna suspect a killer

of dumping a body on their own front lawn?

Now here's where I was really confused.

The Star of David?

That one had me miffed.

And then, I figured it out!

You're a self-loathing Jew.

You're a self-loathing Jew.

You bastard!

- You're gonna end up dead on my lawn, too!

- Get off me!

Freeze, a**hole!

- How?

- The sliding door by the pool.

But you checked the door.

You jiggled the handle!

That was a fake jiggle, my friend.

I should be an actor.

Well... I guess that explains

why my vagina was achy all morning.

Why's that?

Well, you know, it knew you were gonna

need help. It was pulsing a warning.

So that's your finely-tuned intuition?

Oh, yeah. Either that or,

you know, my p*ssy can't handle

more than four toes anymore.

I hope it's not that.

- I love you for so many reasons.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Bacorn, nice bathrobe.

F*** you, Joe Kenda. F*** you!

You wouldn't like me. I just lay there.

- Lieutenant.

- Detective Handsome.

I told you it was the ex-boyfriend.

The old "If I can't have you,

no one can have you" trick.

Yeah, that's a... that's a good theory,

uh, but he's not the ex...

Well, yes, he's the ex-boyfriend.

Good one. Good theory.

What the f***?

Hi. What is going on here?

Hi. Detective Handsome, LAPD.

- Kaley. You know...

- Hi, Kaley.

I live right there.

- You live right there.

- Yeah.

So it's your dog.

- Oh, my God, is... is my dog okay?

- Dog's good.

Oh. What is this sh*t going on

next to my house, man?

Uh, your neighbor, uh, murdered somebody.

This is ridiculous.

I just got back from vacation.

And here I am, coming back

to all this commotion next to my house.

Wait a second.

You're Kaley Cuoco.

- Yeah.

- Wow.

- I love saying your name.

- Oh.

- It's a delight.

- That's nice.

It rolls off the tongue. Kaley Cuoco.

Do you need any help solving this one?

- No, we're good.

- Okay.

Even though you're Kaley Cuoco

and I'd love to say, "Come on in. "

- Okay.

- It's all solved.

- All right. Great.

- He's being taken away.

This is so f***ed up.

You know what... Driver!

Take me back to the airport.

- Enjoy your good looks.

- All right.

Wow.

"A Lil' Epilogue'll Do Ya. "

Wow, I am so lucky that I met you.

Honestly,

I look at your face and I just...

I don't even know

how to talk about it.

Seriously, this feeling I have is just...

bigger than anything

I could ever explain to you.

I cannot believe that you...

Miss, we're just about wrapped up inside

and ready to bail.

Great! Thank you.

You can call me Nora.

Hmm, Nora it is.

And we found this Tupperware of cookies

on the side of the washer.

You taking these with?

Oh, no, those are gross.

You can toss them out.

All right.

Hmm.

Anyway, back to what I was saying before.

I cannot believe you have done this

for me. I really can't.

Well, if a person can make someone else

happy, they ought to do it, right?

Right. I can tell it makes you a little

uncomfortable to be thanked, so I'll stop.

We were gonna have you up

once we get settled,

but then I realized

you would not be comfortable with that.

I don't think

I'd be uncomfortable with-

Yeah, no, I know you would hate

that power dynamic.

Me, just, like, so grateful.

You, a goddamn angel.

I don't know that

I would go calling me an angel.

Yeah. And like an angel,

it's better for you

to just stay at a distance.

Observe from the clouds.

You don't want me calling you

and sticking around in your life.

I know you would not be comfortable

with an arrangement like that,

so I'll save you from the pressure.

I'd be comfortable.

It'd be okay.

Yeah. Carys!

Honey, come here.

I want you to say thank you to Gene

before we never see him again, okay?

I don't want to.

- That's okay.

- Carys.

- She doesn't have to, it's not-

- I wasn't finished.

I don't wanna thank him in words.

I'll thank him with a dance.

This is the shining youth of America.

Yes, yes, yes.

Ha!

Well, I think I should be thanking you.

That was something.

Hmm.

Goodbye, Gene.

Forever.

We're all good, Nora.

- Oh, okay.

- Mmm.

Mmm...

Mmm.

Mmm.

Ah.

- Oh, boy.

- Mmm.

Mmm.

Boy, uh...

that's, uh, not what I expected.

It is what it is. Yeah.

Au revoir, Detective.

- Yeah, later, Charles.

- Yeah. Excuse me.

Um...

- You're in... you're in my way.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, come on.

Candy, over here.

- Okay.

- All right.

All right, come on, sweetie.

Let's go, come on.

Hey, Handsome!

Neighbors moving out already?

Shh.

It's okay.

Yeah, she's heading out to Ojai.

She got a couple acres

and a little farmhouse.

What's she gonna do out there?

Well, she's given up

being a dental assistant.

She's gonna go into canine massage.

She found a program there.

Two hundred hours, you're in.

It's kind of holistic. She's very excited.

Wonder what kind of money

you can make massaging dogs.

She'll be fine.

It is what it is.

Later.

Coming, Esta!

Yeah. Go ahead.

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