Handsome Devil Page #3

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Not that Conor and I

were peas in a pod.

I mean, I never met someone

who liked to run around

as much as I liked to sit

down and do nothing at all.

My defenses were coming down

and I'd never say it out

loud but it felt pretty good.

Weasel had suddenly

stopped bullying me

and I no longer dreamed

of being expelled.

Despite my best

intentions, I began to feel

like I fit in.

Four packs.

Yep.

What happened?

I was pocketed.

Again?

How many times is

that since September?

Three, no, four.

Yeah, how many have you had?

I've never been pocketed.

You've never been pocketed?

I've never been pocketed.

That's not right.

Anyway, this is for you.

What is it?

Birthday present.

Really?

Yeah, well, I wasn't gonna

get you anything obviously

but my wicked step mother

said, seeing as you're

a roommate and all, you

know, probably should.

It's a harmonica.

Thanks Ned.

Oh I have one more

present for you actually.

Yeah.

You wouldn't dare.

Wouldn't I, though?

Ned.

Have a good birthday.

Bastard.

Alas, poor Yorick.

I knew him, Horatio, a

fellow of infinite jest.

Mr. Sherry began

to work with us as a team.

And we all loved him for it.

Still, when an annual

variety show was announced

at the local girl's school,

no one stuck their hand up.

But Sherry had heard

us messing around

on those old guitars

and said, no, insisted,

that Conor and I

should play a song.

Hi fellas, how's it going?

- Extremely bad.

- Awful, thanks.

And why is that?

Well, we're not these

deadly Spanish guitar players,

we can't do an instrumental.

We have to do a song but neither

of us wanna be the singer.

I'm definitely not doing it.

No, me neither.

And why not the both of you?

What, like Simon

and Garfunkel?

Yeah, like Simon

and Garfunkel.

I don't think so.

Not cool enough

for you Ned now?

Honestly, no, not really.

Why, you young man

need to learn about

what is much more

important than cool

and that is...

What is beautiful.

High low.

Oh but sir, it's so high.

So high.

Don't gock, Mr.

Conor, training,

10 minutes man.

Come on.

Yes!

The school rugby team embarked

a long unbeaten win.

The local papers put

it down to my friend,

the new star out-half.

The players worshiped Pascal.

Number nine, congratulations.

You have an

announcement to make?

- No.

- Yeah, you do.

No.

You do.

Come on number nine.

Everybody, I just noticed

number nine tackling

and it's clear that

he has something else

on his mind so I'm guessing it's

because you and your

boyfriend are engaged

to be married.

The hell are you doing

breastfeeding the tacklebag?

Hit it.

You afraid to be hit?

Go sign up for the school opera.

I'm sure they're short

a few tavern wenches.

Everyone, gather round.

Time to get serious.

It is the nature of the

school that you hear

a lot of talk about

opening your mind

and the value of a

rounded education.

Bullshit.

We're about to walk

onto a battle field.

And once we do, the

last thing we need

is empathy for our fellow

man, to be feeling things.

Conor is leading us

out and he will have

a target on his back.

So from now on, men,

you're not a team,

it's a war zone

and you're in the army.

Shouldn't you be asleep?

Shouldn't you?

I'm not the one playing in

the quarter final tomorrow.

That is why I'm not sleeping.

I can't, me nerves.

You're gonna win.

You don't know that.

I don't know the

first thing about rugby

but I feel it in my bones.

Are you gonna be there?

It's not really my team.

This one time,

before you came here,

one of your teammates flushed

my head down the toilet.

So that is not going

on my autobiography.

You're better off without me.

I will be rooting

for you though.

Single file,

gentlemen, single file.

Conor, your old

man's out at the bar,

says he wants to

buy us all a drink.

Watch out, coming through.

Coming through, coming

through, here we are.

Watch yourself boys.

Help yourself.

Have a drink with

your old man, son.

Fine with water, thanks.

We can't toast the victory

without a man's drink, huh?

To my son, the athlete.

And to all you fine young men.

Cheers.

Conor later told

me that if he hadn't had

that first drink, his night

would've ended very differently.

Your dad is a

complete inspiration.

Best thing about

watching you play today

was realizing that all that

rubbish in the last school

was just rubbish.

That was the real

you today, huh?

I loved you today.

I loved you again.

You felt like my son again.

Not that sh*t from before.

Now come on, jump in and I'll

give you a lift back, huh?

We'll have a chats.

I'm getting the train.

Son...

After walking

for hours, I found

a cinema showing a

subtitled film about

a nun which was long.

I ended up late for the

coaches back to school

and that's when I saw Conor.

The idea was that I

would surprise him.

Far too young, sorry pal.

He's my friend.

He's older than you.

What kind of bar is this?

A bar for adults.

Okay, what kind of adults?

Gay adults.

Totally.

Just double checking.

I'm just gonna wait for him,

he'll be out in a second.

I better head.

It's getting late.

All this time, I thought I was

the only one on the outside.

Turns out, I couldn't

have been more wrong.

Well hello, Conor.

Here on the train.

I nearly missed

the bloody train.

So congratulations on today,

what did you play really well?

Well thanks sir, I

actually missed a few kicks

so not my best.

Oh did, oh okay.

I was told you got the quarter.

Semi, semi-finals.

- No pressure then.

- - No.

I might have a cup

of tea or something.

I like a cup of tea, I mean.

Not much of a coffee drinker

but I like a cup

of tea, or a pot,

nice big pot, pot of tea.

Big pot of tea.

Sir, before, it's not my team.

No, no, no.

I was bursting for a loo and

it was the nearest bar around.

Yeah, you know my

friend, my there Conor,

he's very affectionate.

There's no signs out front.

Yes, very poorly signed.

He's an Italian, you know,

he's all over, you know.

Oh Jesus.

Conor, I think a certain

degree of discretion.

I'm never gonna

say anything, sir.

About anything.

- Ever.

- Ever.

Okay, good.

Okay.

Right.

I might get a cup of tea,

do you want a cup of tea?

Do you want one?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, have

you learned your part?

I have.

There's no avoiding

this any longer so,

let's just go for it, okay.

One, two, three...

sorry, Conor, before we start.

What?

Just, um...

Nothing, nothing.

You sure?

Yeah.

One, two, three, four.

You made me do it by myself.

- I just...

- Teamwork, Ned.

Yeah.

You ready?

One, two, three, four.

I thought we agreed

that you would go high

and I would go low.

We did.

I thought you said

you learned your part.

I did, I have, I mean

I have learned my part

it's just,

all I can hear in my

head is your voice.

And you know, it makes

me wanna follow you.

Well don't.

Sing your own part or I can

go high and you can go low.

No, I can be high.

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