Handsome Harry Page #2

- BUT...

I THINK I WAS THE ONE

WHO DROPPED THAT GENERATOR

ON HIS HAND.

- ARE YOU SURE?

WE WERE ALL SO F***ING WASTED.

OH, HARRY.

JUST TELL HIM I'M SORRY.

PLEASE.

- I WILL.

- YOU PROMISE?

- I PROMISE, TOMMY.

- HEY, HARRY,

NEXT TIME YOU COME SEE ME,

DON'T COME F***ING EMPTY-HANDED.

- I'M SORRY, BUDDY.

- OH, I HOPE THERE'S A GOD.

THERE'S GOT TO BE

MORE THAN THIS.

- HE NEEDS TO REST.

- YES, MA'AM.

- HEY.

YOU LOOK HUNGRY.

SHE IS THE BEST COOK.

- WE'LL BE BACK.

- OKAY.

- OKAY.

- I'LL SEE YOU LATER, BUDDY.

ONE NIGHT IN BARCELONA,

TOMMY AND I WERE ON SHORE

PATROLLING:

THE RED LIGHT DISTRICT.

WE JUST MADE PETTY OFFICER,

AND IT WAS OUR FIRST NIGH ON PATROL.

AND IT WAS KIND OF QUIET,

SO WE TIED UP:

AND WENT UP THE STAIRS

TO ONE OF THE HOUSES.

THE GIRLS FED US

TOMATO AND CHEESE OMELETS--

TO THIS DAY, THE MOS DELICIOUS MEAL I'VE EVER HAD.

AND THE GIRLS:

YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY NO A PROPER STORY

AT THIS TIME ANYWAY.

- DON'T WORRY, MR. SWEENEY.

I'VE HEARD IT MORE THAN ONCE.

THE DEPUTY OFFICER CAME IN,

TWO OF THE GIRLS STOOD UP

AND SALUTED:

WITH YOUR NIGHTSTICKS

BETWEEN THEIR LEGS.

TOMMY TALKED A LOT ABOUT YOU

OVER THE YEARS.

WHAT HAPPENED WITH KAGAN?

- TOMMY NEVER TOLD YOU?

- SOMETHING'S BEEN EATING A TOMMY EVER SINCE I'VE KNOWN HIM.

AND THIS LAST YEAR,

WHEN HE WAS SICK,

ALL HE COULD TALK ABOU WAS THAT HE'S GOING TO HELL

BECAUSE OF SOMETHING HE DID

IN THE NAVY.

AND ALL I KNOW:

IS THAT YOU WERE INVOLVED,

AND THE TWO OF YOU DID SOMETHING

TO THIS MAN, KAGAN.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME

WHAT WAS SO TERRIBLE

THAT HE THINKS:

HE'S GOING TO HELL FOR IT.

- I DON'T THINK IT'D BE RIGHT,

MA'AM.

TOMMY WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU

IF HE WANTED TO.

- HELLO?

MOM, IT'S THE HOSPITAL.

UH, THIS IS HIS DAUGHTER.

THANK YOU.

- I, UH...

I'M...

I WISH I--

- OH, YOU...

BOTH JUST...

GO TO HELL.

- MR. SWEENEY!

I GOT THE NAMES OF MY DAD'S

FRIENDS FROM THE SHIP,

TRACKED THEM DOWN

ON THE INTERNET.

IT WASN'T THAT HARD, ACTUALLY.

I'M SURE

HE'D WANT YOU TO HAVE THEM.

THEY'RE ALL ON THE EAST COAST.

- HEY, I'LL TELL THEM

ABOUT YOUR DAD.

DO YOU THINK YOUR FATHER

WAS HAPPY?

- AT TIMES, HE WAS HAPPY.

- AT TIMES, YEAH.

WELL,

I BET YOU'RE A GOOD DAUGHTER.

- I GOT TO GET BACK INSIDE

TO MY MOM.

- DAVID?

DINNER IS READY.

SO HARRY, ARE YOU A--

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU ARE, DAVID?

- A YEOMAN.

- AH.

- HARRY'S AN ELECTRICIAN.

- ELECTRICIAN'S

A SENSIBLE CHOICE.

IT'S A DAMN GOOD TRADE.

YOU CAN NEVER GET ONE

WHEN YOU NEED ONE.

- DAVID TYPES.

- DAVID IS A WONDERFUL

JAZZ PIANIST.

HE WAS THE STAR OF THE NEW

YEAR'S PARTY ABOARD THE SHIP.

EVEN THE CAPTAIN MADE A REQUEST.

- I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND IT.

IT WAS PERVERSE OF HIM NOT TO

CONTINUE HIS CLASSICAL TRAINING.

DID YOU KNOW THAT DAVID

WAS A FEATURED SOLOIS

WITH THE SANTA FE SYMPHONY

WHEN HE WAS 13 YEARS OLD?

smash!

beep!

- YEAH?

HELLO?

- RHEEMS.

PETER RHEEMS.

- YES.

IT'S HARRY SWEENEY

FROM THE NAVY.

- JESUS H. CHRIST.

SWEENEY!

HOW THE HELL ARE YOU?

IT'S BEEN A LONG F***ING TIME.

- DID I CALL TOO LATE?

- OH!

F*** NO.

HAPPY TO HEAR:

YOU'RE STILL ALIVE.

WHAT'S UP?

- I SAW KELLY.

- KELLY, KELLY.

AH, KELLY!

RIGHT.

TOMMY KELLY!

- HE DIED THE OTHER DAY.

- YEAH?

WELL, THAT'S LIFE, ISN'T IT?

HEY, LOOK.

I BUILT THIS NEW HOUSE

WITH A BEAUTIFUL

F***ING GUEST ROOM,

A VIEW, PRIVATE BATH.

ANYWAY,

I'D REALLY LIKE TO SEE YOU.

- HOW FAR ARE YOU

FROM PHILADELPHIA?

- HEY, BUDDY.

GOD, YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED AT ALL.

- YEAH, WELL,

YOU LOOK LIKE SH*T.

- YEAH, F*** YOU TOO.

- [laughs]

- WHERE'S THE F***ING TIME GO,

HUH?

- I DON'T KNOW.

- JESUS.

HEY, HONEY,

HARRY SWEENEY'S HERE.

COME ON OUT.

MY GOD.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK

I'VE TOLD HER ANYTHING

ABOUT OUR YEARS TOGETHER

OUT THERE IN THE NAVY.

- GOOD THING.

- AND I DON'T THINK

SHE GIVES A F***.

- HI.

- JUDY, HARRY SWEENEY.

THIS IS MY WIFE, JUDY.

- NICE TO MEET YOU, HARRY.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- DID YOU BRING YOUR WIFE?

- UH, NO.

I--I'M DIVORCED.

- OH, I'M SORRY.

HOW LONG?

- UH, TEN YEARS, GIVE OR TAKE.

- LOOK, GUYS, WHY DON'T WE

DO SOME CATCHING UP INSIDE,

NOT OUT HERE ON THE PORCH.

FOLLOW ME.

- YOU'RE OUR FIRST GUEST, HARRY.

- YOU STOPPED ANSWERING

MY CHRISTMAS CARDS.

- YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE.

- SO KELLY BOUGHT THE FARM, HUH?

GEEZ.

WHAT WAS HE DOING?

- HE SOLD CARS.

ALWAYS HAD THE GIFT OF GAB,

KELLY.

AND YOU?

YOU STILL AN ELECTRICIAN?

- STILL A SPARKY, YEAH.

- STILL?

- YEAH.

YOU?

- I WAS A SPARKY FOR A WHILE,

BUT ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO,

I WENT INTO REAL ESTATE.

MADE A F***ING FORTUNE.

- GOOD.

GOOD. GOOD.

I GOT TO USE THE HEAD.

- SURE.

GO AHEAD.

YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU'RE

THE FIRST ONE TO USE THAT TOILE

SINCE THE PLUMBER PEED IN IT.

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,

YOU JUST HOLLER, ALL RIGHT?

- OKAY, THANKS, PETE.

snap!

- HARRY.

PETER WENT TO THE LIQUOR STORE.

HE WANTED TO GE A NICE BOTTLE OF WINE

FOR HIS GOOD OLD BUDDY.

ARE YOU SEXUALLY ACTIVE, HARRY?

IT'S A SIMPLE QUESTION.

- NO.

- HOW LONG?

A LONG TIME.

- HARRY.

- YOU DON'T BELONG IN HERE.

- TOUCH ME.

- PUT YOUR ROBE ON.

- NO.

NO.

JUST PUT YOUR LITTLE ROBE ON.

- HARRY, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

I NEED TO.

TOUCH--

- SIT DOWN.

- NO.

PLEASE DON'T TELL PETER.

- INITIAL REPORTS

CLAIM ISRAELI JETS--

- I'M SORRY, MR. BARCLAY APPEARS

TO SYMPATHIZE WITH ONE WHO--

- HEY, BUDDY.

YOU WANT A DRINK?

- WHATEVER YOU'RE HAVING.

- SINGLE MALT SCOTCH, STRAIGHT.

- FINE.

IS THAT WHAT SUCCESSFUL

REAL ESTATE TYCOONS DRINK?

- ONLY THE BEST.

BUSTING MY ASS FOR YEARS.

I HAD TWO HEART ATTACKS.

- SH*T.

- HOW'S YOUR HEALTH?

- A LITTLE ARTHRITIS.

- OH, YOU F***ER.

- YOU EVER HEAR

OF A RETROGRADE EJACULATION?

WHEN I COME,

IT SHOOTS BACK UP

INTO MY BLADDER.

A $40,000 VASECTOMY THERE.

HEY.

GOD.

THE ONLY WAY I CAN GET IT UP

IS WITH VIAGRA.

- YOU'RE TELLING ME

MORE THAN I WANT TO KNOW

ABOUT YOUR PLUMBING.

WE'RE GETTING OLDER.

IT JUST HAPPENED

SOONER THAN WE THOUGHT IT WOULD.

- DO YOU REMEMBER...

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...

WE WERE AT THE ACROPOLIS

IN ATHENS?

- YEAH, OF COURSE I DO.

- LAST YEAR,

I WENT TO EUROPE, RIGHT?

AND I GOT JUDY TO COME.

IT WAS HER FIRST TRIP.

AND WE WENT TO THE ACROPOLIS.

AND I'M STANDING THERE

IN THE EXACT SAME SPO

THAT I WAS STANDING

MY BRAIN'S FLIPPING.

ME THEN, ME NOW.

ME THEN, ME NOW.

ME THEN, ME NOW.

AND IT'S LIKE EVERYTHING

AFTER THAT JUST DISAPPEARED.

IT'S GONE.

- I GET THAT KIND OF FEELING

WHENEVER I THINK ABOU THAT NIGHT WE GOT KAGAN.

THAT WAS LIKE THE ACROPOLIS.

THAT WAS 1,000 YEARS AGO.

- KELLY DIDN'T WANT TO DIE

WITH IT ON HIS CONSCIENCE.

IT'S A LITTLE LATE.

HE WAS A LITTLE LATE, WASN'T HE?

- KAGAN'S IN MIAMI.

- ISN'T THA WHERE ALL THE QUEERS LIVE?

- YOU REMEMBER

WHO CRUSHED KAGAN'S HAND?

IT WASN'T ME.

- YOU SURE?

WE WERE ALL PRETTY SH*T-FACED.

I WAS...

I WAS ON TOP OF HIM.

AND...

AND HE WAS SCREAMING

BLOODY MURDER.

THAT'S ALL I REMEMBER.

- KELLY DIDN'T KNOW FOR SURE.

- I TELL YOU WHAT.

I'LL MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU.

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