Hannah Montana: Keeping It Real Page #7

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Yeah, that's right, honey,

you'd better back off.

(EXCLAlMS)

(AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)

Next up for auction, we have a round of

golf with the hilarious Ray Romano!

(WHlSTLlNG)

Who's Ray Romano?

He's the star of

Everybody Loves Raymond.

What's that?

You know, the guy with the big nose,

never does what his wife tells him.

On TV for nine years.

Nope. Never heard of it.

(LAUGHlNG)

Ray, why don't you stand up?

Show everybody

what they're bidding for.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Oh. Come on, everyone.

Look, l know he's not as cute as l am,

but, hey, he won a couple Emmys.

Three!

Stop it, Ray.

You're embarrassing yourself.

Hey, kid, you know who l am, right?

Sure. You're Ray Romano.

Whoever that is.

Wow, this is sad. l'll bid $1 2.

(SNEEZES)

(LlLLY GROANS)

$1 1 !

Sold!

Wait, wait,

don't l get like a ''going once''?

Fine. Once, twice, sold. Happy?

Okay, up next, we have a dinner with

teen pop sensation, Hannah Montana.

(ALL CHEERlNG)

(WHlSTLlNG)

$5,000.

-$6,000.

-MAN:
$ 7,000.

All right, why don't you all come up

and just punch me in the face?

$ 7,000, going once...

You know, l got to admit,

l was kind of nervous

l was gonna get stuck with some jerk.

Going twice...

RlCO:
$1 0,000!

-ls that...

-lt couldn't be.

Sweet niblets!

Hiya, toots, wear something yummy.

But no heels.

l don't want to climb too high.

$1 0,000, going once...

-Guys, do something.

-l spent all my money on Roy.

Ray! Ray!

You know what?

Don't worry about it. Here.

(SNEEZES)

Here's $1 00.

Why don't you golf with

Snotty McBoogerhead?

$1 0,000, going twice...

$1 5,000!

Sold!

(SINGING) Come on!

You get the limo out front

Hottest styles, every shoe every color

Yeah, when you're famous

it can be kind of fun

It's really you

but no one ever discovers

Who would have thought

that a girl like me

Would double as a superstar?

You get the best of both worlds

Chill it out, take it slow

Then you rock out the show

You get the best of both worlds

Mix it all together

And you know that

it's the best of both worlds

(LAUGHlNG)

l cannot believe it's Johnny.

l haven't seen him in, like, two years.

Hey, Miley. How's it going?

(STUTTERS)

Pretty good, just getting some ketchup

for my veggie burger.

l see you like mayonnaise.

l've never tried that on a veggie burger,

and maybe l should,

but not today because l've already got

-the ketchup thing going...

-Miley! Miley!

You know,

what a lot of people don't know is,

it's also a wonderful moisturizer.

Mmm-hmm.

(TlTTERlNG) Here. lsn't that lovely?

(LAUGHlNG) Moisturizer.

You're pretty funny.

My hand does feel softer.

$1 5,000, going once...

$1 6,000!

Seventeen!

Take mama home, baby.

Take mama home!

Remember how much

he liked Hannah?

lf he wins, this could be the start

of something beautiful.

(SlNGlNG) If we were a movie

You'd be the right guy

And I'd be the best friend

That you'd fall in love with

In the end we'd be laughing

Watching the sunset

RICO:
$ 18,000!

Ha!

$1 8,000 to the little man

with the big wallet.

-How do we stop him?

-l got your back.

So what if Rico wins?

How bad could it be?

(SlGHS)

RlCO:
(SlNGlNG) If we were a movie

You'd be my main squeeze

And I'd be the big hunk

That you'd fall in love with

$1 9,000!

(SCREAMS)

Nineteen, going once...

-Going twice...

-Wrap it up, baby. Wrap it up.

-Sold!

-Hallelujah!

(PANTlNG) $20,000!

(CHUCKLlNG) Sorry, kid.

There's always next year.

Unless Hannah Montana wants to raise

double the money

and turn this into a dinner for three.

Donny without Marie say what?

You know,

it would be great for the beaches.

-lt's okay with me.

-Let's hear it for Hannah Montana!

(ALL CHEERlNG)

(EXCLAlMlNG JUBlLANTLY)

Hey, Roxy.

(JACKSON YELLS)

l'm sorry, baby boy.

What are you doing here?

(GROANlNG) Bleeding internally.

What's going on down here?

You two are supposed

to be at the Dodger game.

Why aren't you at the Dodger game?

-lt's too hot.

-Too hot?

What kind of wimpy example

are you setting for your son?

Now, get moving.

Throw on a hat and some sunscreen,

and maybe stick

one of those frozen lemonades

down the back of your pants.

lt'll be fun!

Now hold on there, Danica Patrick.

What's got your engines all revved up?

Yeah, and when did you and Dad

go to Niagara Falls?

Oh. That. Yeah. That's a funny story.

Yeah, l'll tell you that

after the baseball game. Bye.

Well, great. Then that will give you

a chance to explain

when l wore this hula skirt

and this coconut bra,

because l sure as heck

don't remember it.

l'm sorry.

Maybe l sort of told

somebody that, well,

l live here and l'm married to you.

-What?

-What?

My high school reunion is this week,

and Clarice Johnson

is going to be there.

-Who?

-Who?

Okay, will you stop doing that?

lt's very irritating.

Well, so is finding out

that we're now man and wife!

Yeah, start talking, Mom.

l spent my entire childhood

tortured by Clarice Johnson.

She was prettier, more popular,

more everything.

And l will not have her

thinking that l am single

and living in an apartment

with a goldfish named Denzel.

But you are.

No, that's not true.

l had to flush Denzel.

Now l have a doggie named Diddy.

And you expected us to just

go along with this?

No, l didn't. l expected you

to be at the Dodger game.

(DOORBELL RlNGS)

(SHEEPlSHLY) When she came over.

Look, l'm sorry. l didn't mean to put you

in this awkward position.

l don't know what l was thinking.

Roxy Roker!

(MlMlCKlNG HANNlBAL LECTER)

Hello, Clarice.

(GASPS)

You must be Jackson and Robby.

You know, l gotta tell you,

l thought you made the whole thing up.

You know something?

Nobody, and l mean nobody,

in our entire class

ever expected that Roxy

would ever find a man.

ln fact, she was voted

''most likely to die alone.''

Look, when you walk into that reunion

with that man on your arm,

everybody who ever thought

you were a man,

they're gonna owe you an apology.

Listen, about that, l got to...

Hey, no need to apologize.

Check out this picture of me

and my foxy Roxy

cliff diving in Acapulco.

That's my man!

(LAUGHlNG)

Hey, chipmunk cheeks,

which one of these colognes do you

think will drive Hannah Montana crazy?

Just be yourself. That should do it.

You're right.

How can l do any better than

my own Ric-aroma?

(SNlFFS)

Oh, yes. She will be mine.

Unbelievable, l finally get

a date with Johnny,

and now Rico is gonna ruin everything.

(SNEEZES)

Thanks for getting me sick, Lilly.

(BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY)

My pleasure.

(LlLLY AND OLlVER SNEEZE)

Ew!

Guys, come on!

The last thing l need is to get sick

and miss the date with Johnny.

That's it!

(BOTH SNEEZE)

Save the snot, guys. l got plans for it.

Get away from me. You're sick.

No, it's just allergies.

Sorry.

Can you throw this away for me?

Back off, booger boy!

(EXHALlNG) Hey, handsome.

How's it going?

Get away from me!

l've got a big date on Saturday,

and nobody is going to ruin it.

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