Happy Campers Page #6

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There is sudden silence except for the lone shout of Wendy

bleating out "Red, red, red." Completely mystified, Oberon

and the viewer spin around to see AN EPILEPTIC GIRL having a

trembling-on-the-ground fit, unnoticed by the soulfully

shut-eyed Wendy.

WENDY:

Red! Red!

(opening her eyes)

Whoopsy.

The African-American SuperCounselor silently rockets down

to hold and steady her. Everyone else just gapes.

OBERON:

Haven't you people ever seen an

epileptic camper before?--

Counselors, get these Injuns into

the cabins and then onto the

Activities! Fun! Now! Move it!

Oberon clicks a mammoth stopwatch and shrieks his whistle.

EXT. CAMPFIRE--NIGHT

Camp Director Oberon's seething, whistling face slam-cuts

into the image of a roaring bonfire. Oberon's body reveals

itself around the inferno, doing a circular storyteller

stroll. Huddled and bundled, the campers have settled into

something approaching paying attention.

OBERON:

But even more than the taste of

S'mores, he enjoyed the taste of

camper flesh.

THE CAMPERS:

(delightedly sarcastic)

Ooooh!

A COLLECTION OF COUNSELORS

stand outside the campfire circle, waging a loudly whispered

conference, led by Wendy.

WENDY:

Well, the first week of camp has

swhooshed on by and I thought this

a perfect time to finally pow-wow.

I think we should discuss--

TALIA:

We need more ritalin. Can't we just

grind it into the munchkins' food?

DONALD:

I'm having "Billy" problems again.

He turned today's food fight into

a fork fight.

ADAM:

You have no authority. To get camper

respect, you must...

WENDY ]

Now Adam, I had a chat with one of ]

our campers--Nathan King--he seems ]

to think your methods of earning ]

respect are severe and what's more... ]

]

ADAM ]

"Nathan King"--he's the redhead, ]

right? I'll make it up to him. ]

WENDY:

Instead of getting all mad at

Donald's Tasmanian Devil Billy, have

you people ever thought of getting

all glad at him-- making him feel

a part of things. The workbooklet

says...

WICHITA:

Don't mean to interrupt, Wendy dear,

but isn't that the little buckaroo

eating a sandwich of communion

hosts...

ANGLE ON THE CAMPFIRE

A feral, dirty-blonde boy, BILLY, is indeed disturbingly

chomping into a sandwich piled high with communion hosts.

THE COUNSELORS:

laugh, except for Wendy.

TALIA:

Who wants to go tell the Anti-christ

to take a "time-out?"

WENDY:

Talia, just because you happen to

be Jewish, doesn't mean you can make

fun of someone desecrating the Lord's

body...

TALIA:

Yes, it does.

WICHITA ]

Don't look at me, I'm an atheist. ]

]

WENDY ]

Really? I think we should discuss... ]

]

ADAM ]

Could we please stop the petty ]

religious sniping? We have much more ]

important things to deal with--like ]

what are we going to do about that ]

fag? It's one thing if Jasper was ]

one of those Birdcage kind of homos. ]

We could laugh and make fun of him, ]

but Jasper... ]

PIXEL:

The workbooklet says this is a summer

camp, not a concentration one, you

homophobic Nazi c*nt.

ADAM ]

Listen hippie-chick, put yourself ]

in the place of a parent who finds ]

out their only child got AIDS by ]

drinking the camp bug juice. ]

]

EVERYONE ]

(variations on) ]

What an a**hole... ]

]

DONALD ]

Besides we all got tested at the ]

Camp physical...positive is good, ]

right? ]

]

WENDY ]

Now Adam, me fearing Jasper with ]

the little boys would be like me ]

fearing you with the little girls. ]

]

PIXEL ]

Bad example. ]

]

ADAM ]

Funny. ]

]

WICHITA ]

Oh my God, wait, Adam's right, look ]

at that sick son-of-a-b*tch... ]

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