Happy Christmas Page #5

but the rent's paid

from the production.

Okay.

So he's being

really nice and saying,

"You can go in there

and do your writing."

I had three of your

brownies, by the way.

Good.

I hope that's okay.

Yes.

They're really good.

I'm kind of on a sugar high.

I may crash in a little bit, but...

Okay. This is gonna sound really stupid,

but just go with me, okay?

So I was thinking about your

situation and... This is so stupid.

Basically, your problem is just,

right now,

could be solved by a chunk of money, right?

If I...

I know that's stupid,

'cause a lot of

people's problems

could be solved

with a chunk of money.

But, specifically, you know,

if you had a little bit of money

and you could just pay

for some child care,

then you would have time...

It would be amazing.

A chunk of money would be...

So, okay.

Have you read those sexy novels?

You know?

Like, the trashy...

Sexy mom novels.

Sexy mom novels?

Sexy novels for mom and for me.

I know what you mean.

I have not. Okay.

I have read them and I

look at them and I'm like,

"This is...

I could write one of these,"

but I don't actually

think that I could

because I don't know

how to write books.

But you do.

You're super super smart.

Thank you.

You could write one of

these in an afternoon.

I don't think I could.

I'm not trying to just weasel

my way into this plan,

but I could... What is the plan?

What's the plan?

No, okay.

I could tell you the bullet points.

Are you saying this?

Just sit down for a couple of days,

write an erotic novel,

sell it for a gazillion dollars,

and all my problems are solved?

Yes.

Kind of.

Five or six things to bring up.

It's not that I

don't think I could...

Even with your expertise,

it's very difficult to make a

lot of money selling a book.

It's not like I would write it

and someone would just be like,

"Here's my millions for you."

It's like,

your stuff is so beautiful.

And then if there was, you know,

if there was sex in it,

I would be so excited.

I would buy five copies

and give them to my friends

or plan to give them to my friends

and then keep them for myself,

because it would be

my favorite book ever.

Oh, my God. You are really cute.

This is a great idea.

So there is someone

who's living here right now.

And so you'll have to forgive me.

It's a little messy.

I did ask her to clean it up.

That's okay.

But she'll be out

by the end of the month,

so it'll be

available on the first.

Yeah. I'm not...

So the bathroom's right there.

It's not a tub,

but it's a pretty big shower.

No, it's big.

It's really nice.

And kitchen area right here.

There's a little

bit of counter space

and this current

tenant purchased this.

So you could do something similar

to add a little bit more.

And in this room...

It's sort of like the living area.

So there's

a living room-ish area

right here and then the bedroom.

And there's a real wood-burning stove,

too.

I'm not sure if I mentioned

that on the phone.

So it's $785 a month.

JENNY:
Great.

That includes utilities.

So cable, gas, electric.

But I did just want

to make it clear that

it's really just

set up for one person.

We don't really

feel comfortable with

a couple living here.

I didn't know if...

No, he's just here

for moral support.

Okay.

I don't really know

the area, so he's my...

Tour guide. Yeah.

My realtor.

Great, okay.

Well I'm sure you can

agree that the

area's really great.

No, she hated me.

I hope I didn't ruin that.

No, I mean, I don't...

I get the sense

she didn't like me

or the previous

tenant that much either.

Yeah.

I don't know.

She was a little weird.

And she does live right there.

I know. But other than that,

it's exactly what I need.

Yeah.

I don't know if you're

doing anything right now.

I could... I feel like I owe

you a meal or something for my

"Welcome to Chicago" present.

That sounds good.

I'm not doing anything.

Yeah? Okay.

Like he wants to be together.

He wants to stay together.

How do you know he's in

love with somebody else?

I don't know.

You just feel it?

Yeah. It's...

'Cause that's the thing is...

There is stupid stuff,

like any time that I...

Okay, sorry, but any time I

looked at his Internet history,

he's constantly on

her Facebook page.

So they meet for one second.

You know,

when they're little kids,

and it's like that

Braveheart thing where,

he gives her a token or something,

I mean, like a flower,

but not a flower,

'cause that's...

What if the flower or the thing,

the token, whatever it is,

what if she gives it to him?

And so he goes

and proposes, right?

But, not in disguise,

actually as a prince.

Yeah, she would have... What could she do?

I like that.

'Cause the trick is if you

just keep talking about

how he makes her feel,

how his presence

makes her feel and

his touch makes her feel,

then you can get away with them

not really doing much

for a really long time.

They wouldn't even need to have

sex until the second book.

Is Harry a little

bit attractive?

No...

Could he be the rough one?

He could be

the bondage-y one.

Oh.

So she kinda likes that.

You're... This is

what I mean, you're...

But then do we have to

introduce other characters

to keep all the sex stuff going?

Yes, there has to

be other characters

and people are

having sex all over

the place in

the woodsy revolution.

Okay.

There's all kinds of sex.

Okay.

Orgies.

(LAUGHS)

JEFF:
Hey, Jenny.

Hey!

Hey, can I come in

to grab a DVD?

Just a second.

Sorry. I don't mean to disturb you.

I just have all the...

All my movies are over here.

You... Nothing going on.

Nothing going on.

Wow.

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Yes, you were.

Sorry.

There should be plenty left if you just...

What is happening?

(LAUGHS)

All right. Give it.

Come on. Do it.

Give it here.

Do you need me to do it?

Let me. Let me try.

I mean, it's not like

I've never done it. Come on.

If you freak out on me,

I'm gonna be really mad.

Well, that's on you.

You're fine.

Yeah. You're fine.

Keep pulling.

To how much? Sh*t.

Oh! God damn it.

Ow!

I feel like I'm

sinking through this bed.

Is that typical now?

You're fine. You're fine.

Was that laced with other drugs?

Isn't that what they do?

No.

They just, what is it,

angel dust that they

sprinkle on it?

No. They don't. They don't.

(SIGHS)

I'm kinda jealous you get

to live in my basement.

This basement's f***ing awesome.

You should live

in your basement.

I know.

What's it like down here?

Are you living...

Is it cave life down here?

This music's really good, by the way.

I know.

I actually think that this is

the best song I've ever heard.

I feel like time is

going really slow.

Where did you find this song?

You gotta give me this song.

It's blowing my mind.

Okay. Okay.

What are you looking at?

I'm looking for men's gifts.

There's a thing, like...

Spoiler alert. Is that

my Christmas present?

No.

I'm gonna get you socks,

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