Happy Christmas Page #6

'cause you need socks.

Have you seen

the holes in my socks?

Do you want

a hardwood shaving kit?

No.

Do you want an ironically

ugly Christmas sweater?

Possibly.

You can wear it to parties.

They have those.

Ugly Christmas sweater parties.

Yeah, I heard about those.

How do you feel?

I mean, I've never been to one.

Do you feel okay?

No, I mean how do you feel?

High-wise? Best I've

ever felt in my life.

I'm literally on top

of the world right now.

Hi. Hi, what's happening?

What's happening here?

What was going on in the basement?

Naughty things?

It's so nice.

You taste like sticks.

What about just cock and p*ssy?

Does p*ssy make sense?

I think if cock makes sense,

p*ssy makes sense.

I don't love p*ssy.

What would you call...

It's funny. I was talking to my sister,

and I was asking her what...

She was like, "I hate the word p*ssy,"

and I was like,

"Well, what do you and your

girlfriends say if you're having sex?"

Yeah.

She was like, "Vagina."

Really?

They'd be like,

"I want to touch your vagina."

Touch...

Touch my vagina.

It's pretty easy to just work around...

Right.

It's sharp pain that quickly turns

into pleasure or whatever it is.

JENNY:
No, no.

I'd want throbbing pleasure.

JENNY:
No, I can't

get behind that.

Exactly.

No, I'm... I'm standing...

I'm putting my foot

down and saying...

Maybe in this dream, I just...

No, no,

I'm not saying it should...

I think in this dream...

hurt her for half an hour.

I'm just saying...

I think he should just kiss

her and start to put his hand

in her whatever medieval

underpants she has,

and then cut out.

Yeah, that seems good.

Of this dream.

Yeah.

Sure.

She wakes up just when he's

about to touch her on her...

How do we,

what do we call the thing that...

Rosebud or whatever

horrible thing.

That's an a**hole.

A rosebud is an a**hole.

I didn't know that.

Yeah.

Yeah. That's a thing.

I didn't know that.

I don't have an a**hole

so I don't ever have to worry

about coming up with names for it.

I didn't know that

and I don't like that.

I mean, I think you should just

write it like super Danielle Steel.

I feel like you don't have

to try to be really creative

'cause the audience who wants

to read a book like this

doesn't really care if you're

doing linguistic acrobatics.

They just care if you're

getting from A to B.

I mean,

I literally, just what do

we call her clit

that's not a clit?

'Cause I feel like

you can't say clit.

"The most sensitive point."

That's so good.

And then for penis,

we can just say "him" right,

and for vagina, we can just say "her."

Yeah.

"He puts himself inside her,"

and that kind of thing.

Yeah, totally.

That seems like an easy way.

JENNY:
I mean,

we're gonna have to mix it up a little bit.

She puts herself inside him.

That's mixing it up?

Yeah.

It went from zero to five.

Okay. All right.

So, you know,

the five is the score to beat.

It's all right.

All right.

Yeah. And you can

keep those ones or not.

I'm gonna reroll.

Okay.

'Cause I'm going for threes.

Okay.

Look at that.

Yeah.

I'm going for all.

Are you serious?

Holy sh*t.

That was a one!

You could have just beat me!

Are you serious?

Boom! I... That's...

My mind is exploding right now.

Nice.

Yeah. I just wanted to get

definitive proof that this happened.

Pretty beautiful.

Yeah. Damn.

Pretty damn spectacular.

Awesome. Thank you.

You're very welcome.

There's this, too.

Merry Christmas.

That is awesome.

I didn't get you anything.

It's okay.

Sorry. I didn't...

'Tis better to

give than to receive.

I didn't want to...

I don't know what the threshold is for...

Sorry.

This is... Thank you.

You're welcome.

It's really cool.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Good.

I'm excited.

And it's in a paper bag.

Yes.

That's awesome.

You're... You like it?

I figured you'd

been writing so much,

so it's a good

little place to keep it.

You got a me-specific...

You put thought into it.

It's a very fancy pen.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Come here. Come here.

What?

Just grab it. Just grab it.

Just hold it. Sorry.

Yeah, like that.

Just hold it still. Just...

Like what?

Just hold it still.

You don't need to...

Move it? I'm sorry.

Move it.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

Harder.

Sorry, it's a little

too hard. Sorry.

That's fine. No, no.

It's a stupid thing.

It's a stupid thing I like.

Just, try.

Okay.

I just wanted to see if...

Just an experiment.

Just an experiment.

Now we learned that that's not my thing.

That's totally fine.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

We can practice.

I'll do it better.

You practiced on somebody else?

No. I practiced on Stanley.

On Mister Pants.

I said, "Come here, Mister Pants.

And let me pull your hair."

Thank you.

I thought we'd be done.

Is that stupid?

With the book?

Yeah, with the book.

It's stupid.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Ten days?

I don't know.

I mean, yesterday I realized,

it probably wasn't gonna happen.

Yesterday?

Yes.

Yesterday you were like,

"You know what?

I think we have a good 200 pages left.

"I don't think we're gonna

get it done in 12 hours."

I didn't know.

Jenny. You're so cute.

You're so excited. I love it.

I thought we were

gonna cram. I don't know.

Your crazy excitement,

where you think

we're gonna finish

a book in 10 days,

has been

something that's really...

It's given me a lot of vitality

that I didn't have before.

I wasn't feeling

excited about writing.

I feel excited about

this 'cause it's fun.

I feel excited

about my other book.

Thank you.

You made me feel stuff, too.

(CHUCKLES)

I'll take it.

But I can't...

I'm gonna just...

I mean it,

but I'm gonna be

looking at my phone

instead of you

while I'm saying it,

and using this voice, like, a robot voice.

But I mean it.

I think,

you know that I mean it,

but I can't...

I feel lots of things.

This is as emotional

as I've ever seen you.

It's a little shiny.

What's happening?

No, it's not. I'm fine.

Jenny.

God, don't.

I really like you.

I like you, too.

I really like

hanging out with you.

Yeah, I liked hanging out with you,

whatever.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey. Hi.

How's it going?

Good, how are you doing?

Good. Just trying to get the last

of this Santa stuff wrapped.

It looks so cute.

Yeah? It looks all right?

Yeah.

It looks great.

Good.

Look at this.

It's very simple and pretty.

Look, I want to tell you that,

even though your Christmas

present is officially finished,

I'm really into the idea of

giving you more time to write.

So let's figure out a way that

that can become a more regular

part of your schedule, okay?

Thank you.

That's really sweet.

I love you.

I love you. I appreciate it a lot.

Like, a lot, a lot.

It's really sweet.

Give me your hand.

It's so cold.

I'm gonna take you home.

You're gonna take me home?

Yeah.

I can't.

Go home? With me?

No, I gotta go...

I mean,

I want to, but I gotta go

to my mom's for

Christmas tomorrow,

so I gotta go

home and go to sleep.

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