Happy Endings Page #3

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she ditched?

All right, well,

if you're not interested in that...

No, I'm not interested, OK?

We're done.

I can get into AFI some other way.

I can shoot...

me getting into AFI.

That'd be a good...

- Just get the f*** out of here.

- All right, all right, we'll go.

So... But we'll work out

another deal.

No, you've got nothing to offer.

I got nothing to sell.

It's cool, man, OK? We get it.

OK? We couldn't think

of anything better, but you're right.

Who wants to see a movie

about a sex worker?

What?

A sex worker. That's what I do.

Massage, the works, you know?

For these rich

Beverly Hills ladies?

But you know what? Sex...

No, sex shouldn't be in

a serious movie. Come on, Mamie.

No, whoa, whoa. If it's...

necessary to the story, then...

What are we doing?

Now we're helping him?

You want to know

where your son is, right?

How hard could it be?

We do a couple interviews...

we put it all on the computer.

Right? The tapes, everything?

He gives us the name,

and we give him the movie.

Yeah. Well, you heard him, though.

He wants to shoot you

doing the sex stuff.

So we fake it. It'll be pretend.

You can be there to see.

Look, you're the boss.

I'm just the star.

Have you done that?

That kind of massage?

Happy ending? The full release?

Yeah. One time.

With you last week.

Nah. That was just a goof.

So is this. But at the end of it,

you're going to know who your son is.

Happy endings.

You know, that'd be a good title

for his movie.

You should tell him that.

It could be your idea.

Oh, well. It's late.

The lady from Mexico said

I could take some of this home.

- She went to bed.

- Guatemala.

Really? She didn't tell me her name.

My cousin is charging me rent,

and she's got all her food labeled.

She said it's so that her boyfriend has

what he wants when he comes home.

Oh, sh*t! There were subs left?

Do you mind?

Aw, yes!

Yeah, the thing is,

you need a day job.

We just get meals sometimes.

Couple bucks.

I told you that.

You always been rich?

I'm not rich. It's all relative.

That's what rich people

always say.

- Give me a tour.

- Oh, sh*t.

Just a real quick one.

Is this the African room?

No, those are...

those are from Indonesia.

Come on, tour me.

My dad's college roommate's.

- He's taking off his pants.

- I know.

These are some sculpturey things.

Where did...

Hey, don't!

It's freezing outside.

Your pool is so warm!

I know.

Oh, nice.

I just got this.

We're on this website

for new bands.

- What are you doing?

- I gotta spend the night, OK?

I just need a break.

I'm a little buzzed.

I don't know. L...

Oh, just friends. Come on.

You're cute, but I don't know.

Have you ever slept

with a girl before?

OK, duh, I'm 22.

I can drive you home.

Look...

I really want to spend the night.

I figure you should get

something out of it, too.

- But I've got a girlfriend.

- Otis, come on.

You should try it.

You might not be

who you think you are.

You can leave your watch on.

Oh, I don't have a condom.

Have you ever had sex

with anybody before?

Not exactly.

So you don't need one.

Here.

OK.

I'm sorry.

I'm a little distracted.

Oh, the tits. Right?

Here.

Is that better?

Yeah.

- Good morning, Mr. Frank.

- Hey.

- Let me get this.

- No, I got it, I got it.

Their band played here.

All right.

Oh, hello. Are you the dad?

What?

Are you the dad?

Yeah. I'm Frank.

I'm Jude. I'm with Otis.

OK.

See ya.

Yeah.

Your dad's home.

Oh, sh*t! He's early.

You totally owe me, dude.

He does not think

you're a 'mo anymore.

Hey, I am not gay.

Hello?

You hello.

- Hey, Otis.

- Hey.

Nice girl.

Yeah, she's in the band now.

OK. Listen...

don't make Dignora

wash the sheets, OK?

She's like your mother.

OK, Gil.

I have something to tell you.

But before I do,

you have to promise me...

that I'm the boss of this, OK?

What?

OK, I've discovered something,

which I don't have to tell you...

so the fact

that I'm doing that...

means you have to

hand it over to me...

which means

that what I say goes, OK?

No.

Fine. Up to you.

Absolutely fine.

It's cool.

Come on, please?

It's really good.

This is really great.

You'll thank me.

- If you want to tell me, tell me.

- OK. You promise I'm the boss?

How old are you?

Look, only I cared to put

this thing together.

I think that gives me a little ownership.

I'm not crazy here.

I mean,

this is really, really good.

OK, you're the boss, I agree.

In all things pertaining to this

extraordinary development...

I will be guided by you,

is that OK?

- "Guided" meaning?

- Charley!

OK.

Max is your kid.

Your biological descendant.

Your spawn.

What're you talking about?

OK, this has been

bugging me for months...

but now I'm so sure.

Fact:
31/2 years ago,

you donated sperm to their gyno.

Yes.

Fact:
After three months of trying,

Pam said it wasn't working...

and they were gonna get a donor

from a sperm bank.

Yes. They were

upset about it, remember?

Pam was a wreck.

Fact:
Six months later,

they're pregnant.

Fact:
Sperm can be kept viable

for up to twelve years...

if frozen correctly,

according to this website I found.

And fact:
When your parents

came to visit a year ago...

Pam, Max, and Diane all got sick...

and couldn't come over

to visit because your mother...

would recognize Max

as her grandchild.

And, finally...

You... Max.

All kids look alike!

No, no, no. No, you see it.

You see it,

but you can't believe it.

I can't believe it because...

Come on,

it doesn't make sense.

Why would they lie?

Because this way,

Max is all theirs.

They don't have to consult you

about anything.

Sure, they'd lose a little money...

but it's the power,

that's what they want.

They don't have

to consider us at all.

But if that's how

they feel about it...

why did they even try with us

in the first place?

I don't know. Sentiment.

But then they thought

better of it.

Maybe we were too enthusiastic.

Maybe we got excited

and started talking about colleges...

or said something nice

about sugar.

OK, then, you know,

they changed their mind.

Why not really use sperm

from a sperm bank?

Because you're a sure thing.

Look at you.

You're smart, you're sexy.

You're not faggy at all.

The gayest thing about you is me.

I've known Pam since

the eighth grade. She wouldn't lie.

She's a mother.

It's a sick, sick bond.

Think of yours.

Think of mine.

It's unwholesome.

We have to call them.

No, no, they'll just deny it.

Look, we have options.

We have plenty of options.

I think you should just let it sink in.

- God!

- I'm the boss of this, remember?

You're too emotional.

Just... trust me.

Did you guys hear that thing

on NPR this morning?

About sperm.

Oh, no, no, no,

I didn't hear that one.

- Well, maybe it was yesterday.

- What was that?

Just about storage

and freezing and stuff.

Pam, those jeans are great.

Were those the ones...

Where did we get those?

On Melrose?

Those are the ones you picked out,

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