Happy Endings Page #4

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the French ones.

- They're so good.

- Thanks.

Do you guys know

how long sperm keeps?

- No.

- Do tell.

Twelve years.

- What?

- Yeah.

In the proper, you know, facility.

I don't know

what it would be at home.

Did you hear

the other story, though?

It must have been after that,

on the Khmer Rouge...

about that guy who was growing

vegetables behind the torture room?

- No.

- That was devastating.

I almost had to pull the car over.

- Was Max in the car?

- Yeah, but he was sleeping.

Sugar, bad. Torture, fine.

Is that big enough, right here?

That's great,

that's perfect for me.

Can I get some ice cream

with that?

- Oh, absolutely.

- I'll get it.

You know,

there's Tofutti in there, too.

- Oh, good.

- You should try it.

What are you still doing here?

Go play dominoes.

Get me some scissors

from the bathroom.

What?

We can take a DNA sample

from his hair...

but I can't pluck any

without waking him.

What are you, crazy?

Just get away from him.

Oh, my God, my car keys,

I forgot this.

You're not doing it.

Just give me those.

Yeah!

Come on, this is gonna work.

Charley!

Listen, I know

what those tests cost.

No, Charley.

Look at him, he's so cute

when he's sleeping.

Yeah.

How can you not believe this?

Look at him!

There's a photograph of you

at home looking just like this.

Stick him in Tinkerbell PJ's,

it's the spitting image.

What is the matter with you? Jesus!

We are going to drop this, OK?

Look at him. He's happy,

they're happy, we're happy.

Just leave it alone, all right?

Yeah, but you believe me now.

- No!

- Yeah.

I don't. Promise me, all right?

I don't care

if you're positive about this.

Just leave it alone.

I'm serious.

OK. Fine.

I'm not leaving here until

you're back in that living room.

Go.

Aw, man!

This is awesome!

I'm so going to buy this from you

when we're done.

No, forget it, OK?

It's all going back to the store...

before the credit card bill

comes, OK?

So don't drop it.

That's not funny.

Don't you know any of this stuff?

Oh, wow, you look really pretty

if I stand far away and I use the zoom.

Thank you.

OK, it's back to normal now.

- OK.

- Cool.

All right, here, gimme the camera.

OK, here, sure.

OK, but right now.

Thank you.

All right, let's see.

Just have to open the program.

Here it comes.

There it is!

Who's that handsome guy, huh?

Cool! Make it rewind

through the computer.

OK, no! Not in my room!

All right? It's this room,

the bathroom, the kitchen.

Everything else is off-limits.

There. You're sleeping with Javier.

You could've told me.

"This is my boyfriend.

He's a sex worker."

- You're embarrassed, huh?

- No, it's none of your business.

And it doesn't affect

any of this, does it?

Wait, wait, wait,

rewind, rewind, rewind.

Hey, who's that guy?

Oh, my ex-husband.

- Still hung up on him?

- No.

That's there to remind me

what he's like when he calls.

He lost $62,000 that night.

That could've been my money!

Yeah, that's what

really hurts about it.

Does Javier gamble?

I don't know. I don't care.

I'm not planning to marry him.

Yeah, duh! He's creepy.

"Senor Fingers!"

I don't want him handing me

any cigarettes...

if you know what I mean.

So, you're just into him

for the sex.

'Cause, I mean, I get that,

you know.

He's dangerous. He's, like...

gangs and handjobs and Mexican.

I can see where

that'd be attractive...

but, you know,

you've married the bad boy before.

Mr. Vegas, huh? Live and learn.

Naturally, as my extortionist...

your insights

are particularly valuable.

Then why is he holding back,

though?

I mean, bring on the ring, dude!

Like, he should marry you.

He should totally marry you.

You're a step up.

OK. Well, this is in.

It's in the hard drive.

When we're done with this,

we can edit.

Watch.

Don't. No, don't. Oh, come on!

That's not a zoom, incidentally.

Just the way it is.

Like a penis, only bigger.

Who raised you?

How lucky am I?

I'm yours, and I don't even care

How lucky am I?

I'm young

With a few bucks to spare

And I don't even try

I know it's all in my mind

How lucky am I?

I can't believe

all my good fortune

I count my blessings every day

Should hurt to be so fun-Ioving

My life must be a crime

How lucky am I?

He says,

"I can't take 67 more of those!"

How's the food?

Thanks, Mr. McKee. It's great.

Yeah, we were just going

to hit up Taco Bell.

Well, it's my pleasure.

You guys are good.

- How's the new amp?

- Makes a difference, yeah.

You are really, really talented.

Thank you.

I'm just trying to hang in there.

What do you mean?

She's just helping us out

until Rain gets out.

Yeah, I need to get

a real job, anyway.

I got evicted earlier this month.

Actually, the guy that

I was subletting with got evicted...

and none of my checks

made it to the landlady...

so that was fun.

Speaking of that, we should probably

get you back to your cousin's.

Wait. You're not sleeping

on someone's couch?

It's an air bed.

You just push the button,

boom, it's full-sized.

Otis, what is the matter

with you, dude?

Dude?

Listen, we got

an empty pool house.

You move in there

till you find a place.

- Oh, I don't know.

- We practice there, Dad.

That's what I'm saying.

It's no use to me.

It's got a big bedroom

and a full bathroom. You'll love it.

- Well, I don't know.

- I do. It's fine.

Miles, you'll know this.

What would it take to get all you cats

into a studio to cut a CD?

- Seriously?

- Seriously.

Nice car.

Well, my dad's letting me

run out the lease.

Isn't it nice not being a fag?

This is the thing...

I'll totally help you find a new place.

Because this is temporary.

That's what he said,

until you find your own place.

Oh, what's it to you?

What do you mean?

This is too fast.

We're sleeping together.

Yeah, once. It wasn't that fast.

It was good.

I'm just saying we've got to be

our own, independent people.

Suddenly,

we're, like, living together?

You know what? It's fine.

'Cause we're breaking up.

What?

Look, I'm not going to screw you

and your dad.

You're not going to f*** my dad.

He is 44, OK?

So, the first guy I slept with

was 38 and I was 13.

My best friend's dad.

You're making that up.

That's from American Beauty.

It was exactly like that.

Except I didn't have roses

coming out of my tits.

My dad has lots of girlfriends,

and he spends money on them...

but he doesn't marry them,

so you can forget that.

Why would I want to marry him?

Like that's what I need...

a gay stepson.

You think I'm just going to let someone

take advantage of my father?

Hey, butt boy, listen...

if you don't help me with this...

I'm going to tell him you're gay...

and then you'll be out

on your ass, not me, OK?

So...

First thing you gotta do is,

you gotta break up with me...

because there's no way your dad's

gonna f*** his son's first real girlfriend.

He's got morals.

Yeah, well,

I am dumping you, OK?

Just so you know.

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