Happy Ever Afters Page #4

the perfect relationship, is that it?

That's right.

Love at first sight, but you wouldn't

know anything about that

because you have to do everything twice

before you get it right.

- Molly!

- OK, that's enough.

That's enough. I need you...

I need you to talk to my wife.

Your wife? Why?

- I need you to tell her that we're...

- What?

You and me, we're not... we're not...

We're not having an affair.

You're both crazy.

When did they let you out?

- She has a little jealousy problem.

- Little?

There's an elephant in the room.

- You have to do this.

- No, I don't. Goodbye.

I'm not surprised your daughter ran off,

the way you treat her.

What's she been saying to you?

- Look, your family is your business.

- Yeah.

Look, my marriage

means everything to me.

Really? Great.

- Molly?

- [Groans]

- [Branch snaps]

- [Bird twitters]

[Gasps] Molly! Molly, get down here now!

[Molly] No.

- You do as you're told, young lady.

- I won't.

- I'll get her.

- Be careful.

Molly, you're in deep, deep trouble

when I get my hands on you.

- Come on, Molly.

- No.

- I'm not talking to her ever again.

- [Exhales heavily]

Whatever the problem is, it's not

gonna be solved by running away.

- Do it for me, eh?

- It'll cost you.

How much?

- Fifty quid.

- What?

OK.

OK. Done. Now, come on.

Come on.

- Whoa!

- [Shouts]

- [Gasps, breathing heavily]

- OK, OK.

- [Freddie] Put your foot there.

- Have you got her?

What the hell were you doing up there?

Anything could have happened to you.

Why do you do this to me?

Am I such a bad mother?

You're a useless mother. I'd rather be

adopted than spend another day with you.

- How can you say that to me?

- 'Cause it's true!

What am I gonna do with her?

She's a great kid.

You should be very proud.

But I suppose a bit of structure

in her life would be a good thing.

OK. If you want me to talk to your wife,

let's do it now before I change my mind.

- Really?

- I guess I owe you that much.

That's great. Thank you.

[Down-tempo singing continues]

Can I move in with you?

No.

How are you, love?

I'm not so good, actually.

That's it. You!

Get off. Did you hear me?

I said get off!

You're crap.

Don't call us, we'll call you.

That stupid b*tch Sophie picked her.

You lot, are youse any good?

Go on. Show us what you're made of.

[Foreign upbeat music plays]

Nice eyes. Green.

Just tell her what happened

and then give the phone back to me.

- OK?

- OK. Great.

What?

[Rings]

Hello?

- Sophie? You're there. It's Freddie.

- Yeah.

Look, I got the woman

you saw me with here.

I'm gonna put her on,

and she's gonna explain everything,

'cause it's all just been

a big mix-up, OK?

- Uh-huh.

- OK.

- [Mouths]

- Yeah.

[Clears throat]

- Hello, Sophie?

- You bleedin' slapper.

- What?

- You heard me, you b*tch.

- You've some bloody cheek.

- Watch it, you fat cow.

Don't you call me fat!

Nobody calls me fat!

- The last person needed a nose job.

- Give that to me.

Bring it on, lady. I'm waiting.

Come on! Come on!

- Give me that.

- She's... She's dead.

Shh! Darling, it's me.

And you! You should have

your balls cut off.

- On her wedding day an' all.

- Sophie?

- Yeah.

- You're not Sophie.

Who's this?

What have you done with Sophie?

That was your husband, again,

and his lady friend.

[Phone rings]

[Distorted ringing]

Nightclub anyone?

Whoo!

[Engaged tone]

- What are you doing now?

- Calling the police.

- Why?

- [man] Garda.

- I'd like to report a missing person.

- Right.

It's my wife, she's wearing

a wedding dress and she's in a pub.

- Missing in a pub?

- That's right, yeah.

She should be here with me, on

her wedding day, at the Napoleon Hotel.

- What was the lady's name?

- Sophie. Sophie Maguire.

And what was she wearing

the last time you saw her?

- I just told you. A wedding dress.

- Colour?

- White. It was f***ing white.

- I think it was cream.

- What?

- It's cream.

- It's cream, cream.

- Ivory.

- Ivory. It's an ivory wedding dress.

- Right, right.

Well, leave it with us, sir,

and we'll see what we can do.

- Thanks for your call.

- You're not gonna do anything, are you?

- We're not.

- Right.

What were they saying?

What did they say?

I can't believe this is

happening to me. I can't.

Is there anything I can do?

No. Please, no.

No, thanks. This is...

This is all your fault.

- Me?

- Yeah.

Hey, sunshine,

I was the one doing you a favour.

- A favour?

- Yeah.

If my baby doesn't turn up soon,

Freddie, you're dead, d'you hear? Dead.

- Hey...

- And you...

I don't know who you are,

but I'm watching you.

Freddie. Freddie.

Freddie, wake up. Wake up. Freddie.

[Both grunt]

I think it's time we had a word

with the happy husband.

Hello, Wilson.

- Do I know you?

- Oh, you will. You will.

I have every right to stay.

I have. I am married.

That's just the problem.

We don't believe this marriage.

Your wife isn't exactly

Snow White, is she?

We think it's all a show,

put on to stop you being deported.

But when we find out, and we will,

you're gonna be on the first plane

back to Bongo Bongo.

- Bongo Bongo?

- Oh, yes.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't you? Where did you

first meet Maura O'Reilly?

- In a pub.

- And when was that?

- About a year ago.

- Short romance, then, was it?

- Like a bolt of lightening?

- That's right. Love at first sight.

- She's the perfect woman for me.

- Aw!

What is the problem, huh?

We got married in a church.

Now, that was clever of you, I'll give

you that, but not clever enough.

- What's her favourite colour?

- Black.

- Animal?

- She likes all kinds of animals.

- Song?

- She'll dance to anything.

- Film?

- Musicals.

- What height is she?

- About this high.

Where did you first propose to Maura?

Stephen's Green, near a pond.

- There were swans.

- So romantic.

Will you stop interrupting

when I'm trying to do an interrogation?

- Sorry.

- Thank you.

Great band, aren't they?

Really... jamming.

Yes, very good.

Father... may I ask you a question?

Sure.

Would it be a sin

if a man paid a woman to marry him?

Paid? Why would somebody want do that?

- Do you know somebody who's done this?

- Maybe.

Oh, not Wilson.

Please tell me not Wilson.

- Is it a sin?

- Is it a sin?

Marriage is a holy sacrament

made in front of God,

performed by a servant of God.

- Me.

- So is it a sin?

Of course it's a sin.

This is very, very bad. I'm in on this.

- Where is he?

- No, you mustn't tell anybody, Father.

- Come on. Freddie.

- Maura.

I need to talk to you

about something very seriously.

- OK.

- Who is that man?

- Here, grab his other arm.

- Has he had too much to drink?

He needs to lie down.

Too much champagne.

Come on, young fella. Whoa!

- Thanks.

- Where to?

- Over there.

- Believe me, everything is in order.

Quick, in here. In here.

We'll need to ask your so-called wife

a few questions.

[Whispers] Maura, what is going on?

[Whispers] Shh! The police are after me.

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