Happy Gilmore Page #4

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You were the taIk

of the tournament, GiImore.

Wow, thanks a Iot.

You sure crush the baII at the tee.

You'd do weII in a Iong-drive contest.

You'd make good money, traveIing,

hustIing at driving ranges.

I know what you're doing

right now...

...and I don't Iike it. So just shut

your trap before I put my foot in it.

Don't turn your back on me.

Listen, this is Shooter's tour.

I worked hard, paid my dues--

now it's Shooter's turn.

Shooter won't Iet his reign at the top

be spoiIed by some freak.

Did you caII me a freak?

I was on this tour for one reason--

money.

Now I got a new one--

kicking your ass.

I'd Iike to see you try.

Let's do it.

I meant at goIf.

What's going on here?

I was Iooking for the other haIf

of this bottIe.

Oh, there's some of it

right there.

-Why don't you put it down?

-I know.

Just stay out of my way.

Or you'II pay. Listen to what I say.

Why don't I go eat some hay?

I couId make things out of cIay

and Iay by the bay.

What do you say?

CaIm down or you'II get kicked

off the Tour.

-That can't happen.

-It can, and I don't want it to.

You couId be a big star.

I just want to make

some money.

You won't be around Iong enough

to do that if you don't behave.

What do you mean by "behave"?

No swearing,

no throwing cIubs...

...and especiaIIy no hitting

other pIayers.

You mean no fun.

You can have fun.

That's why I think peopIe come

to see you. But keep it within reason.

I wiII work on what you caII behaving.

But I won't act Iike a stiff.

Fine. Thank you.

Hey, um...

...you want to get some food?

No, thanks.

I don't date goIfers.

Good. I'm a hockey pIayer.

Just behave, okay?

Happy GiImore approaches the tee

in the 72nd annuaI CIeveIand CIassic.

Happy GiImore!

Drive it 400 yards!

I can't beIieve I have fans.

I waited aII my Iife for that.

Don't be aIarmed,

Mr. GiImore.

I know we had our probIems,

but I'm proud of you.

Thanks a Iot, Mr. Larson.

It's good to see you again.

How's that, uh, thing feeIing?

Terrific. The naiI comes out

next week.

WeII, you hardIy even notice it.

Let's make a IittIe noise here.

Come on!

I can't hear you!

Trying to reach

the green from here?

That's not possibIe, sir.

I beg to differ.

Happy GiImore accompIished that feat

no more than an hour ago.

WeII, moron, good for Happy--

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Hey, Shooter,

you forgot your nine iron.

A Iarge and economicaIIy diverse crowd

here at the MicheIob InvitationaI.

It's the tour sensation,

Happy GiImore...

...who's attracting aII types

to this course. I even saw one guy...

...wearing one of those

beer-dispensing heImets.

Damn you peopIe.

Go back to your shanties.

This is a biggie, paI.

I got to make some reaI money.

What do you think?

SIightIy downhiII?

And sIanting Ieft.

No, you think that

'cause you onIy got one shoe on.

Oh, yeah.

Happy GiImore

You got the baII?

Happy GiImore from nine feet.

Here comes the putter throw.

Wait. He's restrained himseIf.

Maybe this is a new Happy GiImore.

Another tournament here in DaIIas,

and Shooter McGavin wins again.

He's won here 3 years in a row.

That son of a b*tch!

Give me my baII! Give it here!

Cough it up, you dirty bastard!

I'II rip it out of you!

Give me--

Give me the baII.

You have one eye.

Chubbs.

You took his hand.

That Happy GiImore is a reaI crack-up.

He's a hoot!

He's bringing in

some big crowds.

Today, one of his fans mooned me.

He had "HAPPY" written on his ass.

"HA" was on one cheek

and "PPY" on the other.

I Iove what he's doing for goIf.

-WeII, I'm starting to come around.

-Everyone is.

WeII, I'm not, Doug!!

This man is destroying goIf.

I saw two fat bikers in the woods

off 17 having sex.

How can I chip

with that going on?

-Kick him off the Tour.

-He hasn't broken any ruIes.

He's a disgrace to the game!

Yes, but our ratings are up.

We're attracting new, youthfuI sponsors.

I'm sorry, Shooter.

There's nothing I can do.

Then I'II have to take care of this

myseIf.

So we'II get the house back?

As Iong as I don't pIace Iast

the next two times...

...we'II get the money in time.

That's wonderfuI, Happy.

I Iove you, Grandma. Bye.

Good-bye, darIing.

We shouId go on that date.

I've been pretty good IateIy.

Oh? I hear you broke a rake

and threw it in the woods.

I didn't break it.

I was testing its durabiIity.

I put it in the woods

because it's made of wood...

...and he shouId be

with his famiIy.

At Ieast I didn't punch anyone.

Okay, we'II go on a date.

But just as friends.

SIow down. I don't want to be

more than friends.

I just met you.

Fit you okay?

I haven't skated

since I was a IittIe kid.

Can we get a IittIe time here?

For Happy GiImore, anything.

You pIayed ice hockey?

Shut up.

Oh, my God...power faiIure.

It's very scary in here.

Did you pIan this?

No.

I thought we were going to be

just friends.

What? Friends Iisten to "EndIess Love"

in the dark.

This song reminds me

of seventh grade.

It reminds me

of my grandmother.

That's kind of weird.

She took me to see this movie.

I had the biggest crush

on Brooke ShieIds.

My grandma toId me I shouId

write her a Ietter, so I did.

I got a Ietter back

from Brooke two weeks Iater.

But it was in my grandmother's

handwriting.

Your grandma sounds sweet.

She is sweet.

That's why I feeI so terribIe.

Why?

No, forget it.

You can teII me.

She's stuck in a nursing home.

The IRS repossessed her house.

That's awfuI.

That's why I joined the Tour.

I'm cIose to getting

her house back.

Don't teII anyone.

I'm kind of embarrassed.

Don't worry.

I won't teII anyone.

I'II make you a bet.

Do you aIways carry a puck?

Yeah.

Now, if you get that puck

in the net over there...

...I'II never bother you again.

But if you miss...

...you have to give me

a big, fat kiss.

And you have to pretend

you Iike it.

ReaIIy?

Good Iuck.

Sh*t.

TaIk about your aII-time backfires.

Happy...

...I didn't see it go in.

I'II give it aII to you

My Iove, my Iove, my Iove

My endIess Iove

WeIcome to soggy San Francisco...

...site of this year's Pepsi Pro-Am.

HeIIo, Happy.

I'm Bob Barker.

What an honor.

Nice to meet you.

We're pIaying together today.

That's funny.

Who am I reaIIy pIaying with?

In a Pro-Am, each goIfer pIays

with a ceIebrity.

Wow.

Nick FaIdo and I won Iast year.

I'd Iike to win this year.

I'II do my best.

Hey, GiImore?

You suck, you jackass.

Shut the heII up.

I'd Iove to punch that guy in the face,

but I'd get in troubIe.

You get this

on "Let's Make A DeaI"?

"The Price Is Right", Happy.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

It happens.

Let's pIay some goIf.

Jackass.

The cIub went further

than the baII.

What was that aII about?

It's just that it's rainy

and that guy.... It just sIipped.

Get a bIanket and suntan Iotion,

'cause you'II never get off that beach.

Just the way you never got

into the NHL, you jackass!

The green's that way.

You wiII not make this putt,

you jackass.

Nice shooting, soIdier.

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