Happy Gilmore Page #5

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AII right, Happy...

...nice and easy.

That was not nice and easy.

That guy is driving me crazy.

What's driving me crazy is

you not getting the baII in the hoIe.

Don't push me, Bob.

Now's not the time.

Jackass.

This guy sucks!

We haven't seen GiImore pIay this badIy

since his first day on tour.

He and Bob Barker

are now dead Iast.

You shouId be working at the snack bar,

not pIaying goIf.

ReIax, Bob.

There is no way you couId have been

as bad at hockey as you are at goIf.

Okay, Iet's go.

You Iike that, oId man?!

You want a piece of me?

I don't want a piece of you.

I want the whoIe thing!

Now you're gonna get it,

Bobby!

The price is wrong, b*tch.

I think you've had enough.

No?

Now you've had enough.

B*tch.

That couIdn't have gone better.

Instead of hitting you,

he hits Bob Barker.

Perfect.

So, see you

at the next tournament?

No need. This was on nationaI TV.

GiImore is gone.

Let's get something at the Red Lobster.

My treat.

Some other time.

I thought we were friends.

We are. I just have to go.

I'II be at the Red Lobster

in case you change your mind.

God bIess!

There you are.

Happy GiImore,

come on down!

Thank you, Shooter.

Sit down.

So you got in a fight with a game show

host on nationaI TV.

That is not entertainment.

This is not hockey,

no matter how much you want it to be.

I know that and I'm sorry.

But there was a guy out there...

...giving me crap. It took aII I had

not to hit him.

So you head-butt Bob Barker?

Who won that fight, anyway?

Enough, Shooter.

The board has done the foIIowing:

Fined you usd25,000

and suspended you for one month.

-What?! I got to pIay!

-What?! Kick him off the Tour.

The board thinks

that might be extreme...

...considering the fact

that our ratings were...

...the highest we've ever had.

My grandmother's house

got repossessed.

If I don't win more prize money,

they'II seII it to someone eIse.

Whoop-dee-doo.

Get out.

It's over. My grandmother

wiII never see her house again.

But you've made a Iot of money.

You couId buy her a nice condo.

My grandfather didn't buiId

any condos with his bare hands.

Damn it,

I hate that Bob Barker.

There must be

another way to get the usd50,000.

I don't want to taIk about it.

I faiIed, okay?

Let me just enjoy the one thing

that makes me a bit happy...

...this fresh, deIicious, tasty...

...meaty, turkey-fiIIed...

...CoId Cut Combo. I eat three

every day just to keep me strong.

Hey, Happy...

...can I have one of those?

Coming right up!

TaIk about a hoIe in one.

Subway sandwiches

wiII drive away your hunger.

What do you think?

I Iove it. He Iooks so handsome.

And it makes me hungry.

They gave me a card

that gives us free Subway for Iife.

That's IoveIy.

You know what eIse is IoveIy?

Let's go get your house back.

What the heII?

What's going on here?

It's exciting. We're auctioning off

your grandmother's house.

You said if we got the money,

we couId buy it back.

You can buy it back.

Bidding wiII start at usd100,000.

Do I hear 100?

This is the exciting part.

Have fun.

Look at aII these peopIe.

What's going on, Happy?

Thank you, two.

They're auctioning it off.

Good. We'II get it cheaper

than we thought.

Two fifty, thank you.

Maybe not. Two seventy-five!

Two seventy-five. And three.

Three fifty down front.

I have three fifty.

Seventy-five anywhere?

Three fifty--soId to the gentIeman

in the white sweater.

What just happened, Happy?

Go wait in the car, Grandma.

What the heII

is wrong with you?

I enjoy reaI estate specuIation.

You touch me, I burn the house down

and piss on the ashes.

What do you want for it?

You know what.

You off the Tour.

Quit, and the house is yours.

Fine. I quit.

No way. Happy, come here.

He's right. I don't beIong in goIf.

I'm a hockey pIayer.

-What team do you pIay for?

-Easy.

Face it, Happy.

You are a goIfer.

I did this to get Grandma's house back.

Now I can. No regrets.

What do you think she wants more--to

get her house back or see you succeed?

Maybe she can have both.

Hey, Shooter.

The Tour Championship

is next week.

If I beat you, I get the house.

You beat me, I'II quit.

You're going to beat me?

At goIf?

You're on.

But you're in troubIe. I eat pieces

of sh*t Iike you for breakfast.

You eat pieces of sh*t

for breakfast?

No.

That was great.

I know you wiII kick his ass.

That makes one of us.

Take care of Grandma.

I'II waIk from here.

-Where are you going?

-To Iearn to pIay goIf.

I'm stupid, you're smart.

I was wrong,

you were right.

You're the best,

I'm the worst.

You're very good-Iooking,

I'm not attractive.

Okay, as Iong as you're wiIIing

to admit that. Now...

...are you ready to work

and do what I teII you?

BeIieve me, I'm ready.

Then Iet's get to work.

I'm sorry. Here.

Here's your pinky.

"HappyIand", just Iike me.

Don't get excited.

I've been here before.

This is embarrassing. I'm a

professionaI goIfer, for God's sake.

No, it's your short game

that's embarrassing. Let's go.

Just Iine up the putt.

Don't even Iook at the hoIe.

Aim for a spot six inches

in front of the hoIe. Line up with that.

Okay. Six inches.

This one's very tough.

He's Iaughing, having fun.

Yeah, Iaugh it up.

Enjoy your night.

Happy, concentrate.

I hate that cIown.

Easy. If you can't beat the cIown,

how wiII you beat Shooter McGavin?

You're gonna die, cIown!

Is that funny? I don't hear you

Iaughing now!

Enough.

What? I can't do it!

Come with me, Happy.

Come on!

You suck, you stupid cIown!

Remember, this isn't hockey.

You don't pIay with raw emotion.

You can't putt angry.

You must cIear your mind

of everything eIse and stay focused.

How can I do that?

Think of a pIace

that's reaIIy perfect.

Your own happy pIace.

Go there and aII your anger

wiII disappear.

Then putt.

Happy pIace.

Happy pIace.

Your happy pIace.

Now how do you feeI?

Better.

Now putt.

Your happy pIace.

We took some giant steps

tonight.

I'm reaIIy proud of you.

Here.

I got something speciaI

for you.

Thanks, Chubbs.

It's the putter I used when I pIayed--

sIightIy modified, of course.

Man, this is exceIIent.

You got the spirit of a hockey pIayer

in you, so I figured--why fight it?

I got something for you, too.

If not for you, none of this

wouId have happened...

...so I wanted to show

my appreciation.

This Iooks nice.

What is it?

Open it.

Sh*t.

Oh, man.

Remember the 'gator

that got your hand?

I got his head.

First my dad and now Chubbs.

Anyone I get cIose to, dies.

If I were you, I'd run.

You can't bIame yourseIf

for this.

I guess that aIIigator

finaIIy finished the job.

I'm going to miss you, paI.

How am I going to pIay today?

Just remember

what he taught you.

CongratuIations, murderer.

You kiIIed a goIf Iegend.

Beat it, McGavin.

I'm dedicating my performance at the

Tour Championship to Chubbs' memory.

I'm pIaying for Chubbs.

I caIIed it first.

You want to beat him?

Beat him on the course.

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