Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay Page #10

They sent us to Guantnamo Bay.

F***! G. Bay?

Tell me you didn't eat

that cockmeat sandwich.

No. No, we did not eat the cockmeat

sandwich. We escaped, thank God.

That cockmeat sandwich.

That's my favorite.

Oh, my God.

- This is good sh*t.

- I know. I know.

- I laced it with blow.

- F***.

So it knocks you out, and it keeps you

going at the same time.

If you like weed so much,

why don't you just legalize it?

Are you f***ing kidding me?

You know how pissed off

my dad would get if I did that?

Holy sh*t, dude.

My dad's all up in my sh*t too,

about this whole...

- med school thing, right?

- I know.

And it's not that I don't

want to be a doctor, but like...

f***ing... sometimes I wonder

if he's just encouraging me...

because he knows it'll make me happy...

or because he wants me

to carry on his legacy, you know?

You just blew my f***in' mind.

- Hi.

- Hi. You look good.

Daddy.

Yeah, it's W.

I don't need your friends

to tell me what to do anymore.

- No, I'm not being disrespectful.

- That's what I say.

I'm just saying that

I can handle my own sh*t, all right?

I mean, I don't need them to tell me

how to do what I have to do.

Yeah, dude!

Yeah, well you know what?

Yeah, well, f*** you, Dad.

F*** you!

- Dude, that was awesome.

- You guys are awesome.

- No. No.

- You're awesome!

- You are awesomer.

- Sir, you are awesome.

Seriously.

Listen, about our situation...

F*** that. Listen, guys, guys, guys.

I am the f***ing President, all right?

That means I get to pardon whoever

I want. You guys are in the f***in' clear.

Don't worry.

- Holy sh*t. Are you serious? Thank you.

- Oh, my God. Thank you, Mr. President.

Yeah.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Don't mention it.

But, listen, to be honest, after

all the sh*t that we've been through...

I don't know if we can trust

our government anymore.

- Trust the government?

- Yeah.

Heck. I'm in the government

and I don't even trust it.

You don't have to believe in your

government to be a good American.

You just have to believe in your country.

Exactly.

- Exactly.

- Right.

This is good sh*t, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

If you guys need anything else,

just let me know, all right?

Actually, Mr. President,

there is one thing.

- This really came out great.

- Yeah, it did, man.

I lit a lot of these candles.

Great.

- All clear.

- Safe to proceed.

He's here! I knew he'd come.

All right, let 'em in.

- What is happen...

- Who is that?

- Harold?

- Kumar?

Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize

for interrupting this beautiful ceremony.

But there is no way in hell...

that I'm letting the only woman

I've ever loved marry that piece of sh*t.

Security, get them out of here, please.

These guys?

No, see, they're with us. Yeah.

Looks like I got a little more pull

with the President than you, b*tch.

- What the hell is going on?

- I'll tell you what's going on.

Your fianc promised

to get us out of trouble.

But instead he arranged for us

to be sent back to Guantnamo Bay...

where we'd be forced

to suck Big Bob's fat dick.

- Is this true?

- Yeah, it's true.

I'll take care of this myself.

- OK, wait.

- No...

You son of a b*tch.

I loved you, man.

- I can't believe this.

- Vanessa, let me explain...

Explain?

Explain why you're putting me through...

the most embarrassing moment

of my life?

Well, what if I did

something embarrassing to myself?

Would that make you feel better?

There's nothing you can do

that would be this embarrassing.

I fear that I will always be

A lonely number like root three

A three is all that's good and right

Why must my three keep out of sight

Beneath a vicious square-root sign?

I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick

With just some quick arithmetic

I know I'll never see the sun

As 1.7321

You f***ing tool.

Quiet, anus.

Such is my reality

A sad irrationality

When, hark, just what is this I see?

Another square root of a three

Has quietly come waltzing by

Together now we multiply

To form a number we prefer

Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds

And with a wave of magic wands

Our square-root signs become unglued

And love for me has been renewed

You were right.

- That was pretty lame.

- Told you.

Look, I can't promise you

the kind of lifestyle that Colton could.

And I can't promise you

that I'm gonna mature overnight.

But what I can promise you is that...

Sorry, I smoked weed

with the President.

I totally forgot

what I was going to say.

I can promise you

that I will always love you.

And I'll never try and make you

into something that you're not.

So, what do you say

you take a brother back?

Only if you promise to get me

out of this awkward situation...

as soon as possible.

Come here.

Yeah!

That's my boy!

Ku!

Come on.

Let's get the hell back to Jersey.

All right, hold on. First we gotta

do something for my buddy here.

- Got to go somewhere.

- Where?

# Ooh, baby, do you know

what that's worth? #

# Ooh, heaven is a place on earth #

# They say in heaven love comes first #

# We'll make heaven a place on earth #

# Ooh, heaven is a place on earth #

- Hey.

- Hey.

- No luck, huh?

- No.

Called every hotel in the city.

I walked all around.

I just can't find her anywhere.

- We'll find her.

- We'll find her, dude.

What?

Oh, my God, there she is.

- Roldy, she's hot.

- Dude, go get her!

Jesus, I'm sorry, man.

- So f*** it. Forget about that.

- Yeah.

It's probably

just some Amsterdam fling, all right?

We'll go back to the Jerz...

- in a couple of days, all right?

- No.

No, f*** it.

I came way too far.

We went through too much sh*t to...

I'm gonna talk to her.

No, no, no, dude, don't go in there.

- Come on.

- Just wait.

Come on, man.

Wait till we get back to Jersey.

What the f*** are you doing?

- C'est quol ton putaln de problme, tol?

- Harold!

I didn't understand what you said.

- What the f*** are you doing?

- What the f*** are you doing, man?

- You're ruining my shot.

- You what?

Get off my set!

I'm so confused. What's...

- What's going on?

- Harold, I'm doing a photo shoot.

For Hlgh Tlmes magazine.

Of course, you're a model.

You're very hot. You're a model.

Right. I always wondered

what you did for a living.

I'm sorry. So, wait a second.

So you're not with this dude?

Are you kidding? Me?

- Yeah.

- No.

Anton is like totally gay.

Harold, what are you doing here?

I didn't want to wait ten days

to see you...

so I thought

I would come and surprise you.

That is so sweet.

OK. It's sweet.

I've been thinking about you

this whole time.

- You have?

- I have.

- I missed you so much.

- I missed you.

F*** yeah, dude.

Bang bang, Roldy.

Hello, Maria. My name is Kumar.

- I've heard so much about you.

- Hi.

This is Vanessa. Vanessa, Maria.

- Hey.

- Hey. How you doing?

Ladies and Roldy, how would you

like to get really f***ing high...

since we're in Amsterdam?

- Yeah.

- Shall we?

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