Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay Page #4

# My dick so hot it's stolen #

# Your dick look like Gary Coleman #

# My dick pink and big #

- This car is frickin' sweet.

- Yeah, yeah, it's sweet.

'Cause we're fugitives.

Driving a yellow convertible

with the top down, dressed like a**holes!

Yo. Yo. Yo, look, he has

one of these things.

- Would you put that down?

- No, you can hook up to the Internet.

You can play Mlke Tyson's Punch-Outll

on it. King Hippo's going down.

Put that away. Put that away.

I can't believe you can even think about

playing games at a time like this, man.

You realize what would happen

if our parents found out about this?

You have sent our sons

to Guantnamo Bay?

This is an outrage!

You Arabs think you can just mix in

with our peaceful society...

and we're not gonna find you, huh?

I am not Arab! I am Indian!

Look, Chief. I'm not here to argue

seblantics with you, OK?

I'm here to save lives.

Ask the Lees what they know

about their son's terrorist activity.

Look, we have been American citizens

for over 40 years.

Now, frankly, I find this very offensive.

They're using some sort of dialect

I've never heard before.

But I'm pretty sure he said something

about going on the offensive.

Tell them we know

what their son is up to...

and if they don't cooperate,

he could be sentenced to death.

Hit 'em. Yeah.

We know what he said!

Sir, Harold and Kumar are good boys.

I'm a pretty good translator.

It's total gibberish.

They may be trying to stonewall us.

Are you sure you speak Korean, Jack?

You speak Korean?

You're not f***ing with Daddy, are you?

Do you have a masters

in romantic Korean literature?

Because I do...

and I'm offended.

Good enough for me.

Look, excuse me...

we're not looking to hurt your sons...

we just wanna know where they are.

Do you know if they know anybody

in Florida?

Their friend Raza Syed lives in Miami.

But why would they be there?

He's supposed to be in medical school.

They are supposed to be in prison!

That is where terrorists belong!

These f***ers are goin' down.

Dead. Or alive.

Tell them that in your fake

ching-chong language.

Shut up! You're an idiot.

I don't know what you're saying, buddy...

but f*** you.

- F*** me?

- Will you let him talk to you like that?

- Listen, no, sit down.

- F*** me?

Hey, look, man, we're in Alabama.

Wow, we actually get a first-hand look

at the South, huh?

Hey, this wasn't supposed to be a trip

through the South, OK?

This was supposed to be

the most romantic week of my life.

Remember that? Before you

f***ed it up? You remember that?

Just chill, OK?

We'll be out of this situation.

You'll be up in Maria's guts

in no time, all right?

Hey. She's not some skank, man.

I've never felt this way

about anyone before, really.

What the f***?

Why am I talking to you about this?

It's not like you would understand, so...

# I want to be happy #

# I want to be happy, just like... #

Excuse me, please.

Will you turn that off? This is a library.

What a f***ing chode.

Thank you, come again!

- What the f***?!

- Oh, my God.

You know, the whole reason

people come to the stacks...

is for some peace and...

quiet.

Look, I know, I'm sorry. I hate it

when people disturb me here too.

It's just this f***ing calculus final

is killing me.

- Do you mind if I take a look?

- No.

- You're actually very close. May I?

- Yeah.

Excuse me.

I touched your breast.

- It's OK.

- Sorry.

You just go...

Wow. You're good at this.

Thanks.

What did you, like, take calculus

in high school or something?

Actually, my dad taught it to me

in sixth grade.

What, are you like Doogie Howser?

No. Although that would be incredible.

He's my hero.

I love that show.

What are you working on there?

This is just a poem

for my creative writing class.

It's like...

- "The Square Root Of Three"?

- No, no, I'm sorry...

- "A poem of love by Kumar Patel. "

- I need this.

- Hey, let me read it.

- No, no.

- Why?

- Because it's lame.

Then read it to me.

There's no way I'm letting you see me

in that light. Good luck with your calculus.

Come on, don't be embarrassed. You

know, a lot of girls find intelligence sexy.

Look, I'm not even gonna be

showing this to my professor, all right?

That's why I'm so stressed out

right now.

Stressed out, huh?

Come with me.

...going?

- Come on.

What?

You're smoking drugs in the library?

What if somebody catches us?

Don't worry. It'll help you relax.

Oh, boy.

It's illegal.

# I want your fish right by me #

# That's how it has to be #

Here.

#... copacetic if you let it so set up #

# And keep the downstream down

and the upstream up #

This is poison.

# My stoney, my baby #

Let me help you.

# Funk the groovin' thang whistlin' #

# As I rip my rhymes #

# Time and time again struttin'

and in the summertime #

# So screw it,

strip down and be generic #

# Strip down and be a passenger

Strip down and be a messenger #

# In askin' why I'm born

I come up blank in the winter #

# In askin' why I'm born

I come up on when I'm on her #

- # It's time to find the kind #

- # My summer, his summer #

I'm Kumar.

Vanessa.

You're still not reading that poem.

# And then I kiss my stoney baby #

# My stoney, my stoney #

# My stoney baby #

# My stoney #

# My stoney baby #

Kumar.

# My stoney baby #

Kumar.

Kumar. Kumar.

- Kumar.

- Yeah.

What's going on? We're in Birmingham,

Alabama. Are we supposed to be here?

What's going on?

- Why did you bring us here, dude?

- What do you mean, why did I...

You were supposed to be following the

directions, a**hole. What do you mean?

There's got to be like a highway

or something, right?

Yeah, there's got to be a highway.

What's going on up there?

# Squad up #

# My niggas #

# I see some p*ssy-ass niggas,

so what the f***... #

What the hell is this?

# We knock these niggas out #

# I see some p*ssy-ass niggas,

so what the f*** you wanna do? #

- I'm turning around.

- Nah, just go through, man.

Dude, we're not driving

through this basketball game.

You know, Roldy, I really thought

you were bigger than this.

Dude, I'm not scared

'cause they're black.

I'm scared because they're scary.

And it's not like we got

Gregory Hines out there.

They're not that scary.

It's my ball!

Turn around.

# Rob this motherf***er,

drop his punk ass in a ditch #

# Drag this p*ssy nigga,

slap his ass up like a b*tch #

# My niggas is my niggas

'cause my niggas... #

- F***! It won't move!

- Sh*t, dude.

# Shoot him dead between his lips #

# I see some p*ssy... #

- That's not good.

- Now there's no music, man.

Sh*t, man.

- Motherf***er!

- My Jordans, nigga!

- Sh*t, this isn't good.

- This is not good. This is not good.

No. No. No.

They're coming over here.

- F***ing sh*t. Why did you do that?

- Yeah, I hit a fire hydrant on purpose.

They're getting weapons, man.

All right, what do we do?

What do we do?

Run, run, run. Run, run.

Yo. Yo.

- Where y'all going? Damn!

- We was just trying to help.

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