Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay Page #5

Man, somebody call the police.

We need to report this.

- Yeah, that's right. You like the ride?

- F*** you, man.

They abandoned it last night.

It's registered to a Raza Syed.

The witnesses' description

of the driver and passenger...

match that of Lee and Patel.

We tried bringing in Syed last night,

but he's already left the country.

Well, they know we're closing in on 'em,

that's why.

OK. No, I'll give you a call. All right.

No, no, no, no!

- Holy sh*t!

- Easy, easy!

- Easy.

- Easy!

This is our witness.

Put it down! Yo, put it down!

You all know I got one!

I got one too!

So, you saw the fugitives, huh?

Yeah. It was like

I was telling the Sheriff...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How do I know you're telling the truth?

I don't have a reason

to lie to you, man.

Really?

- Get up in your face, man.

- We'll see.

That ain't right.

Where's he going?

What's going on?

Hell no!

Now why don't you tell me

what really happened?

Is that grape soda?

What the f***, yo?

- All right.

- Hold on, hold on, hold on!

This is so ignorant.

- Really?

- Yes.

Is this ignorant?

Yo, that's racist, man. That's racist.

Hey, Jon, are you gonna let him do that?

See if he got Kool-Aid.

Almost gone, witness.

Sure there's not something

you wanna tell me?

I'm not stoppin' until you crack!

I already told you

that they took off runnin'!

All right, all right, all right.

This isn't necessary!

Mr. White is telling you the truth!

Yeah, and how can you be

so sure, Beecher?

'Cause he doesn't have a police record.

He's an orthodontist, for Christ's sake.

OK, then, Beech. How do you

propose we find the terrorists, huh?

There was a Nokia 7710

taken from the console.

We have its tracking numbers.

Our satellites are running a trace on it,

as we speak.

I'm serious about that Kool-Aid.

What's going on? Where are you?

Dude, that is a f***ing long story.

We're actually in Alabama right now,

heading to Texas.

What is that sound? Are you jerking off

again? What are you doing?

I'm taking a glorious pee-pee.

Hey, listen, you're not gonna believe this...

but the other night,

I ended up at that Asian party...

and I schtupped Cindy Kim.

Shut the f*** up. Are you serious?

Yeah, man,

she even gave me a blumpkin.

What is a blumpkin?

It's when a girl gives you head while

you're sitting on the toilet takin' a sh*t.

Really?

- Hello?

- Hey. Hey! What are you doing?

Hello? Come, come?

Did you go?

Yeah, I'm done.

You said to me we were gonna

cross swords. You promised.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Are you talking on a cellphone

when the government is looking for us?

Dude, it was just Goldstein.

I had something important to tell him.

It's 'cause you had something...

That's good, that's OK.

Nothing is more important

than finding a way to get to Texas.

- Do you get it?

- Yes.

We've been walking an entire day

and we have not seen a street sign.

Do you get it?

- Can I say...

- Again. This is... I can't.

Dude, honestly...

you've got to be a little more positive

about these things, all right?

- Yeah?

- Positive about what? I don't...

First of all, look at this beautiful

Alabama landscape, OK?

You don't get sh*t like this in New Jersey.

God, you...

Hey, look, dude.

It's a baby deer.

- Wow. Man.

- Sh*t.

Hey. Hey.

Look how cute this deer is, dude. Not

like those a**hole deer in New Jersey.

I know, man.

- Hey, buddy.

- Dude, Alabama's awesome.

He likes you.

- Oh, my God!

- No!

Sorry about that. I was in my zone.

What the hell are y'all doing out here

in them fancy clothes?

We were on our way to Texas

and we got lost.

Texas?

You're a long way from Texas.

No!

Born in '04.

Get in here.

Yeah. The sun's about to go down.

- Y'all need a place to stay? Ya hungry?

- Yeah, sure.

You want to follow me?

Come on.

Maybe we shouldn't.

It's already dead.

You need a hand, dude?

My grandpappy

bought this land in 1902.

Very nice, sir.

This place is gonna suck.

Honey, I'm home.

# vero #

# Ateno #

I'm in here.

I wish you'd-a told me

you was bringing guests home.

I'da straightened up in here.

Fellas, this is my wife Raylene.

Raylene, meet Harold and Kumar.

Hello.

Can't shake.

I've just got... deer head all over me.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you boys.

- You just make yourselves at home.

- Thank you.

Honey, something's wrong

with that DSL.

Every time I go on the online,

it says, "Searching for server. "

You try unplugging the AirPort base?

Yeah, I done did that but it didn't work.

What you need to go online fors,

anyways?

I was gonna get one of them

new portable satellite radios.

What the f***

you need a satellite radio for?

Don't you be cussin'

when we got company over.

- Guys.

- Please don't worry about us.

We cuss all the time.

Who do you think you is, hitting me?

Who do you think bought you

that Prada bag?

I told you I wanted a Gucci one.

The Gucci bag cost more!

Well, Jan Sapperstein's husband

sure could afford it.

Here we go again with Jan Sapperstein.

I don't give a rat's ass what that b*tch got.

You be happy with what you have.

What I have is a husband

who ain't worth a turd!

You wanna give me sh*t now?

- That's right!

- After everything I let you buy!

Even look at the credit card bills?

...you buy?! Do you think we need

another set of golf balls?

- Even worse is the credit card miles.

- Stinky, smelly, motherf...

Guys, we're just gonna get out of here.

Nonsense. Don't be silly.

You're our guests.

You guys have got to stay for supper.

- No, we couldn't. That's...

- No, thank you. We really couldn't...

Of course, we're gonna

have to get high first.

We're close.

This is news to me.

I never knew farmers smoked weed.

You ever tried farmin' not high?

It's borin' as sh*t.

You know, this is great, guys.

I kind of always,

you know, sort of assumed...

that people from the South

were kinda...

A bunch of dumb rednecks?

- No.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not...

We do try to keep our inbred son in

the basement when we have company.

Guys, I didn't mean it like that. I was just...

Look at their faces!

F***, f***!

Sh*t, they found us.

They found us. They found us.

- What do you mean, they found you?

- Listen, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.

Are you boys in some kind of trouble?

All right. This is gonna sound crazy,

but, basically...

we were on a plane to Amsterdam...

and we got mistaken for terrorists

and we got sent to Guantnamo Bay...

and then we escaped and snuck

into America with a bunch of Cubans...

and now we're trying to get to Texas...

where there's a guy

who can help us out...

and he's getting married

to Kumar's ex-girlfriend.

Yes.

OK. That's cool.

- I understand that.

- You do?

Like the government's never screwed

us over before. You know what?

Y'all come down here and hide

in the basement. I will handle this.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, both.

Thank you, thank you.

OK. This isn't creepy.

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