Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay Page #6

What the hell is that?

You're walking

towards the creepy music?

Ge...

This song rocks, dude.

Kumar.

Hey, dude, there's a lighter here

with a clown on it.

Jesus Christ, there's a f***ing monster!

God!

Hey, you don't happen to have

a Baby Ruth on you, do you?

No. Why do you need a Baby Ruth?

That's how Chunk won over Sloth

in The Goonles.

This thing looks like Sloth?

All I saw was the creature's hand.

The hand looks like Sloth?

The f***ing hand of an evil monster,

dude. Like f***ing claws and sh*t.

Sh*t.

Listen, no matter what, don't let

the creature know that it's ugly, OK?

The last thing that we want to do

is criticize it or make it feel different...

just because it was born

with horrible deformities.

Don't worry. I got rid of 'em.

It was just my neighbors.

- There's a fricking Cyclops...

- No, you got...

...in your basement, man!

... a f***ing thing, dude!

You met Cyrus.

- Cyrus.

- You named it?

Our son.

You must have woke him up. He was

supposed to be asleep. I'm sorry.

I thought you were joking...

when you said you had an inbred son

who lives in your basement.

Well, it ain't a joke.

Raylene and I here are siblings,

and we get it on.

But that don't mean

we ought to be judged.

You boys must be awful tired

after what you've been through.

Come with me,

I'll show you to your bed.

You better go back to sleep, boy!

Don't make me come down there

and whip your Cyclops ass!

It's tough love.

It's the best way.

I don't know what I was thinking

dating that douchebag Colton.

He is a douchebag.

What were you thinking?

But it was agony pretending

his puny, little penis satisfied me.

I bet. I bet you've been missing

the thundercock too, haven't you, baby?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

Yeah, you've been missing it?

How much?

- A lot.

- I bet.

Well...

- I kind of have this fantasy.

- What is it?

I thought it'd be kinda cool

to bring somebody else in bed with us.

Who?

Hey, baby.

- Yeah!

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- She's hot, right?

Let's do it.

- # There's something #

- # About that woman #

# She's got something

you can't live without #

# Makes your heart sing #

Faster, Weedy.

# Something about that woman #

# If you're in doubt

then you are missing out #

# On a good thing #

# I got to give it up #

Teeth, teeth, Weedy, teeth.

- Weedy!

- Yeah?

- Yeah!

- You like that?

Putting it in the ass now, Weedy.

Yeah, how about that?

# Something about that woman #

# She's got something

you can't live without #

# Makes your heart sing #

# It's just something about that woman #

# If you're in doubt

then you are missing out #

# On a good thing #

# I got to give it up #

Wow.

Dude.

I just had the most

f***ed-up nightmare.

Come on, man.

I was having a really hot dream.

Go back to bed, please, dude.

Why did we have to leave?

Their Goonles child was kind of cute.

I don't care. It tried to f***ing bite me.

Jesus, every time the two of us

try to get anywhere...

it's f***ing disaster

after f***ing disaster.

Jesus, dude.

Here, you really need a hit of this.

Dude, I don't want a f***ing hit!

It's your solution to everything,

you know that?

Think about it.

We should be at Colton's already.

Hey, chill, we still have two days

to f*** up the wedding.

- What?

- What?

- What?

- What?

That's what this is all about, isn't it?

You want to f*** up the wedding.

It's not f***ing funny, Kumar.

It's not f***ing funny!

Colton is the only guy

that can help us out at this point.

I can't believe... I cannot believe

you're willing to f*** that up!

I just hate that f***ing a**hole, OK?

Yeah? I like him better

than I like you right now.

- Really?

- Yeah.

You know what he got me? A job.

You know what you got me?

Thrown into Guantnamo Bay.

- Your job sucks.

- Admit it.

You're jealous because Vanessa

found somebody better than you.

What the f***

is that supposed to mean?

Better than you! Let me think.

Potential future president,

or unemployed pothead?

Tough. That's tough.

That's a tough one for her, isn't it?

Yeah, well at least

Vanessa's not in Amsterdam...

getting plowed

by a bunch of European dudes.

- What?

- Do you really think Maria's...

saving herself for you, dude?

Right now, she's probably got

two uncircumcised d*cks...

dangling in front of her throat.

You know what she's gonna do with them?

Down 'em into her tonsils?

F***ing dick.

- That's my hat.

- That was my hat, bro.

Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria.

A**hole!

Don't you dare say a f***ing word

about my angel!

What the f*** was that?

Get up. Get up!

F*** you.

Sh*t.

Isn't that a KKK bonfire?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think it is.

Maybe we should

get the f*** out of here.

Yeah. Yeah, dude.

Let's do that.

The other day, caught a rerun

of that show Becker.

You know that show?

Yeah, that's the one

with that Jew, Ted Danson.

That blond negro they got on there,

he had me in stitches.

He's actually pretty funny.

Really? You think so?

I'm not saying I wouldn't

lynch the guy, but...

his timing, it's priceless.

Hold up a second.

I gotta go drain the main vein.

I'll tell ya, Travis...

when it comes to feeling good...

I'd rate pissin' right up there

with comin' and shittin'.

I like to do all three.

Yeah, I hear ya.

Kenny, come on, man.

Hurry the f*** up.

You were the one who made me

drink that third beer.

Hold your horses, peckerwood.

Gross! You f***ing pissed on me!

- You racist f***!

- What the heck?

What the n*gger was that?

This is f***ed. We are f***ed.

Kenny. Travis.

What in the tarnation you guys doin'?

Good, you brought the keg.

Lug that thing over.

- Let's go! Come on!

- Come on!

Let's go, come on!

Yeah, then you put little onions on 'em

and you steam 'em, they're awesome.

Roldy, dude, I'd never thought

I'd say this in a million years...

but the Klan really knows how to party.

You gotta try these dogs.

- Really?

- Oh, yeah.

Really know how to...

the Klan knows how to party?

- Dude, we've got to get out of here!

- Jeez, all right, dude, relax.

All right, y'all! Come on over here

and we'll sit around the campfire.

- Sh*t, what do we do?

- Let's go sit down.

Rufus. Next to them marshmallows...

- and the graham crackers.

- Everybody sit down.

Best s'mores we've had in a long time...

that's what I'm talking about,

that's what I'm talking about.

Now. Now I want

each one of y'all to tell me...

somethin'... Porch monkey, kike!

...that you did

to a minority this week. Yeah.

I tripped a beaner while I was

walking down the stairs...

at the Wal-Mart the other day.

Guy crashed into a bunch of wine bottles.

They made him pay for 'em! Yeah!

All right, all right, let's all calm down.

White power here, white power here,

white power here.

Giving him what he deserves.

Hebe!

All right, I'm back. Next.

It better be good. Here.

Come on, dude, say something.

You know what?

I did knee an Indian guy in the balls.

That's funny!

Yeah, send them Indians back to Africa.

Well, you want to hear something real

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