Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay Page #7

f***ed-up and awesome that I did?

I took a Korean guy's toothbrush

and I rubbed it all over my dick.

- You did that?

- Well, that's just downright disgustin'.

- But I like it!

- Yeah!

Yeah, I love bein' white.

- What the...

- Look what we got us here, brothers.

Mexicans!

Lynch 'em!

Come on, come on! Come on!

Come on, boys, let's chase them

back to the border!

P*ssy fart!

Holy sh*t!

Should we put it out or what?

Are they still behind us?

I don't think so.

Dude, the Klan is f***ing slow.

Hey, flag down this car.

Help! Help! Help!

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

# Yeah #

Thanks for stopping.

# You better check yo self #

No problem.

# 'Cause I'm bad for your health,

I come real stealth #

Neil?

Gary and Kumar!

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Harold. Harold.

Sorry, man. I forgot.

What are you doing here, man?

This is where God took me.

What are you guys doing out here?

We're actually trying to get to Texas.

That's where I'm headed!

What are the odds?

Let's get out of here.

- All right.

- Thank you.

Shrooms?

- No. Thanks, though.

- No, thank you.

Suit yourself.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

It's gonna be a bumpy f***in' ride.

# 'Cause shotgun bullets

are bad for your health #

We found their phone.

Lee and Patel made a phone call to you.

Now tell us everything you know

about their terrorist plot.

Terrorist plot? Rold and Kumar?

This is ridiculous.

OK, fine. Fine.

Mr. Rosenberg.

Mr. Gold-stein.

We'll do it your way.

What's this? What do we have here?

It's about seven dollars?

Look, don't insult us, all right?

I don't know

what the hell is going on here...

but I'm pleading the Fifth

until I speak to my lawyer.

You're pleading the Fifth, huh?

Beecher, give me a copy

of the Bill of Rights.

The Bill of Rights? Why?

Just do it!

Excuse me.

Five, right?

- Five alive.

- Sure.

OK. OK. Good.

You wanna know what I think

about the Fifth Amendment?

There it is.

That's what I think

of the Fifth Amendment.

Why the hell is your ass so dirty?

Don't you wipe?

Don't ask questions

you don't want the answer to, buddy.

What do ya got?

Turns out the FBI was already

tapping Mr. Goldstein's phone.

- We got what we need.

- Wait a second.

You were tapping my phone?

You want to hear the tape?

No. I'm sick of listening

to this dirt farmer. What's the upshot?

Lee and Patel are on their way

to Texas as we speak.

I knew they'd trip up.

Ready the plane.

These f***ers are goin' down.

Neil, can you just focus on driving?

You've had... Focus on the road.

You've had dozens of shrooms,

my friend.

Dude, I was able to perform

an appendectomy at age 14.

I think I can handle

a couple mushrooms.

- Wasn't that just a TV show?

- Jesus Christ!

Did you see that unicorn?

Its horn was so shiny.

So, why are you guys headed to Texas?

Let's just say

my ex-girlfriend's getting married.

The one that got away, huh?

Yep.

Sounds to me like you need a drink.

Road. Neil, please,

can you pay attention...

Dude, I've got it!

- Yeah, but...

- He's a good driver. Stop.

Thanks, man. Cheers, dude.

Really? Drinking?

I have a lost-love story of my own.

Yeah?

Happened on the set of Clara's Heart.

Sure, sure, yeah.

I'll never forget her.

Her name was Tashonda.

She was Whoopi Goldberg's stand-in.

Her skin was so soft,

her lips were so sweet.

She had these tiny,

little Hershey Kiss nipples...

that you just wanted

to suck on all night long.

Anyway, last day of shooting, I told her.

I said...

"T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up. "

Why did you do that?

I didn't think I could take on

that kind of responsibility.

It was such a big mistake.

Why? I mean, with T-Bird gone...

couldn't you have sex

with whoever you wanted?

Let me be clear.

There is nothing on the planet...

that I love more than a hot, new p*ssy.

- Sure.

- Nothing.

What does the P.H. Stands for in N.P. H?

Patrick Harris.

No, common mistake. Poon handler.

The point is, boys...

even though I love havin' sex

with some hot, random trim...

a day hasn't gone by

where I haven't thought of Tashonda.

Every time I see a bag of

Hershey's Kisses, my balls get so wet.

Here's to you, Tashonda.

- I hope you kept the baby.

- Wow.

# Free on my own #

# That's the way I used to be #

# But since I met you, baby #

Hey, honey.

What's up?

I found something in your purse.

Why would you go through my purse?

Why would you have a joint...

when you know

it could ruin my political career?

I'm sorry.

What with all the wedding plans,

I've just been a little stressed.

It helps me relax?

Marijuana is illegal, Vanessa.

Now, I thought that part of your life

was in the past.

- It is.

- Good.

That's all I need to hear.

Hey, baby.

Look, I know things can be hectic

with the wedding.

But, you know, if you get stressed out,

just do what I do.

Snort Zoloft, OK?

What the f***?

Sh*t.

Dude, they set up a f***ing roadblock!

They're gonna find us.

- What are you talking about?

- Neil...

I don't know how to say this

any other way, man, but we're fugitives.

Cool.

OK, well, we've got to find a way

to get out of this.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Please.

You act like I've never smuggled

a fugitive across state lines before.

Here. Hide in that.

Sorry. It's a little sticky.

Sh*t.

Yeah.

What the... When were you

gonna show me these?

Excuse me.

Wait, Officer!

- Sh*t.

- Hold that car!

Neil Patrick Harris.

Yo.

It is an honor to meet you, sir.

Yeah. I would imagine so.

I'm sure you get this all the time...

but your part in Starshlp Troopers

truly, truly changed my life.

Really?

How?

Well, no one thought the war against

the arachnids of Klendathu could be won.

- But you showed the starship troopers...

- Neil!

...that those bugs could be destroyed.

A lot of people think the war on terror

is a war that can't be won, right?

That's why I joined

the Department of Homeland Security.

My friend, two words.

Starshlp f***in' Troopers.

If you want to know the secret of being,

you will come with us.

Please. I really need to go.

Yeah, of course. I'm so sorry

to bother you. You move along.

Bye.

I love you.

I love you too, Mr. Patrick Harris.

What the...

Holy f***ing sh*t, that was awesome.

Try having that conversation

on shrooms.

I deserve an Oscar

for that performance.

- You do!

- Dudes...

I'm gonna take a little detour

on the way, all right?

- No.

- Neil, no.

But we're almost there, man.

- No buts. No buts!

- What do you do...

I'm going to a whorehouse

and I'm gonna get my f*** on.

If you two don't want to get

your d*cks wet, that's fine with me.

I'll get my dick wet.

# Don't need nothin' but a good time #

# How can I resist? #

# Ain't lookin' for nothin'

but a good time #

# And it don't get better than this #

P*ssy, I'm home!

Hello?

Well, well, well. I thought you'd never

show your face around here again.

What's the matter, Sally? I thought

I was one of your top customers.

Have you forgotten what happened

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