Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay Page #8

the last time you were here?

Because of you, my best girl quit.

Hey, I paid her good money.

It's not my fault

she didn't lube up.

Besides, I bring you new customers.

- New customers?

- No, Neil, that's all.

Thank you. Thank you.

Appreciate it. Appreciate it.

Sally. Bring on the lineup.

Line up in the chutes, girls.

Longhorns coming through.

Neil.

Bigger. Bigger. Bigger. Bigger.

Hello, ba...

- What's your name, miss?

- Tits Hemingway.

How'd you come up with that?

Well, I have huge tits.

And my favorite book

is A Moveable Feast.

I guess that makes sense, yeah.

Well, I hope you're ready for me, Tits...

'cause I'm gonna rock out

with my cock out...

and you're gonna jam out

with your clam out.

It's gonna be magical.

- The whores are on me, fellas.

- No, Neil...

- thank you, but we... that's...

- Thanks, dude.

Screw that, Roldy.

I don't know about you...

but, no offense to the rest of you ladies,

I am gonna be taking you two.

No, Kumar. Kumar!

Roldy, you're missing out, brother.

Yo, we need to get back on the road,

buddy.

We need...

Well, now, you know, we also supply...

in-room films or a magazine.

Well, if you'd like

some self-satisfaction...

we do have some...

electronic devices right over there.

Just have some coffee. Yeah?

Why don't you lie on the bed?

And tell us what you want us to do.

OK. OK.

Well...

how about...

How about you take off your clothes

and make out with each other?

- We've done that before.

- We can do that.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

# P*ssy real good #

- # That p*ssy #

- # P*ssy real good #

- # That p*ssy #

- # That p*ssy off the chain #

- # That p*ssy #

- # Go on and do yo thang #

- # That p*ssy #

- # P*ssy real good #

- # That p*ssy #

- # That p*ssy real good #

# That p*ssy #

# Yo' mama don't like #

# She say I'm no good #

# What she don't know is #

# I got you p*ssy-whooped #

# He need this p*ssy #

# He smell this p*ssy #

# He wanna taste this p*ssy #

# He gotta pay for p*ssy #

Can you use tongue?

# That p*ssy, p*ssy #

# P*ssy, p*ssy #

Bump your titty on her titty.

# Police pull me over #

# They don't write no tickets #

Boner achieved!

Great. Now let's get those pants off.

OK.

- You are benevolent human beings.

- Yeah, I know.

- Yeah?

- We get that a lot.

Yeah. You know what that means,

benevolent?

Yeah, I do, actually.

What?

It means we're gonna f*** you so hard...

your dick's gonna be sore for two weeks.

That is exactly, exactly what it means.

You know what bothers me

the most, though?

He never once apologized

for getting me into all this trouble.

I mean, I'm supposed to be with my

Maria right now in Amsterdam, OK?

But it's cool.

He doesn't know how to say "I'm sorry. "

Why do you think that is?

Sparkle, because it's all about

what he wants. It's about him, him, him.

You know. I don't even care

because... You know...

if he can't be a good friend to me,

I'm not gonna be a good friend to him.

- It's done.

- Don't say that.

A good friend is hard to come by.

Venus, come on.

Yeah, but if he was a real friend,

he would know how to say, "I'm sorry. "

That's right.

Thank you, Agnes.

Nail on the head.

It's like right now...

after all the sh*t that we have

been through in the last few days...

you know, he's in there having

the time of his life, having sex.

I never should have left her.

I don't even know...

I don't even know what I was thinking.

I loved her so much.

She was my little baby.

She was my little baby.

Why did I let my little baby go?

Why did I let her go?

You'll find someone else.

No, I won't. Not like Vanessa.

You'll find love again someday.

Yeah, you will.

Did you guys?

No, we're whores.

- Remember?

- Yeah.

Oh, my God. Are you OK?

What the hell is going on here?

That prick f***ing branded me!

- Stop it.

- I warned you, Neil.

Bring it.

- Neil! Neil!

- Time to put your dick in the dirt.

- What... Neil! What are you doing?

- Come on. Come on. Come on.

- But...

- No, Neil.

Neil!

- What about Neil, man?

- No, f*** Neil. He just f***ed us.

- Neil! Neil!

- Come on, come on, come on!

- Come on! Come on! Come on!

- Neil!

Come on!

- N.P. H!

- No!

Stop! Stop!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

We've got to get Neil.

- Why?

- Look, we're stealing his car!

- We can't leave him back there.

- He stole your f***ing car last week!

What was that?

- Hurry up.

- Neil!

- Hurry up. Come on, man.

- Guys.

- All right. Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.

- Neil, Neil, come on! Come on, man!

- Guys!

- Hurry up! Hurry up!

It's not even funny.

Hurry up, dude, hurry up.

You can make it, dude.

Oh, my God! Holy sh*t!

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- Jesus Christ!

- Neil's dead! Neil's dead!

- No!

- Oh, my God!

- Get the f*** out of here! Go! Go!

# How do I say goodbye #

It's the dawn of a new day.

And Neil Patrick Harris

isn't around to see it, man.

Dude, I told you.

Will you please stop saying that?

God.

He's gone.

Maybe he's got

some family contact info in here.

Dude, I know

I'm not calling Neil's parents.

What's in the bag?

- Holy f***.

- Creepy mask.

A jar with hair in it.

And, like, 12 cans of Mace.

- Look, dude.

- Holy sh*t.

Holy sh*t, we actually made it.

This is where Colton grew up, huh?

Smell that? That smells like douche.

No, you will remain in this car.

I will go inside alone and, if we're lucky,

Colton will help us out.

- Why can't I just...

- No. Let me put it another way.

You leave this car,

and our friendship is over.

- But, Roldy, I just...

- Kumar.

Open the door

and I will cut your f***ing balls off.

Jesus. OK.

- Balls.

- Go.

Hi, I'm a friend of Colton's.

Thank you.

God damn it.

Vanessa? You OK?

- Kumar? What are you doing here?

- Yeah, let me help you up.

I thought you were going to Amsterdam.

Yeah, me too. It didn't work out.

You all right?

- Now, does this hurt when I touch it?

- Yeah.

- It does?

- Yeah.

This is just what I need.

A limp during the wedding.

Can you move it around in a circle?

OK, that's what I figured. It's just your

ATFL. I don't think you tore it, though.

So a little ice and massage

should do the trick. You'll be fine.

Are you gonna tell me why you're here?

Roldy and I ran into some trouble...

and we figured that maybe

your Colton could help us out.

- Still getting into trouble, huh?

- A little bit.

You remember that time that

you broke into the animal lab...

and, like, stole that monkey and put it

in Andy Rosenberg's dorm room?

OK, first of all,

that was Goldstein's idea...

and second of all...

had I known that the monkey had AIDS,

I never would have done that.

What about you?

You put those disgusting used tampons

in Professor Konop's purse.

- Remember that?

- Come on.

She was a b*tch and you know it.

What's going on here?

Hey, she actually fell

and broke her heel here.

Yeah, I twisted my ankle.

Kumar was just looking at it.

- Why aren't you in the car, Kumar?

- Dude, I heard her yell.

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