Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle Page #5

are we gonna do now?

- Hey!

- Hey! Excuse me!

- Hello! Over here!

- Excuse me!

You boys need some help?

Thanks for helping us out.

No problem at all.

I seen you two stranded

out there alone in the dark,

and I said to myself...

"What would Jesus do?"

Goin' down to Georgia

Gonna get myself baptized,

gonna get myself baptized

In the bosom of the Lord

Have you boys accepted Jesus

as your Lord and Savior?

- Yes.

- Yeah, he's great. Cool guy.

Praise the Lord

and pass the ammunition!

Name's Randy,

but everybody calls me Freakshow.

My name's Kumar.

How are you, Kunie?

- This is Harold.

- Hi, Jerald. How are you?

So where exactly

are we going?

Don't you worry about that none.

We ain't too far from my place.

Once we get there, I'll have

your ride fixed up in a jiffy.

Check out those boils

on his neck.

You gotta look.

One of them's actually pulsating.

Shut up. He's right next to me.

He can hear you.

Now there's some sort of puss.

- It's disgusting!

- Shut up.

Just one little boil.

Just look at it.

See, isn't that the most disgusting

thing you've ever seen?

Do you think just

because you're whispering,

he can't hear

what you're saying?

He's two feet away from us.

He can hear this entire conversation.

He can hear me

talking right now.

Don't worry about it.

He can't hear anything...

not with all that crust in his ear.

I heard everything you said.

It's gonna take me a while

to fix up your car there,

so if you boys like,

you can go on inside,

get yourselves something

to drink, wash up,

f*** my wife, watch TV...

anything you want.

Mi casa es su casa.

Just don't do anything

the Good Lord wouldn't do.

Thank you.

We're gonna die.

He's going to kill us.

We're gonna die.

Dude, am I deaf, or did he just say

we get to f*** his wife?

He couldn't have said that.

Who cares?

You've seen Freakshow.

What do you think his wife

is gonna look like?

Oh, hi, boys.

I'm Freakshow's wife Liane.

Can I get you some pink lemonade?

Why don't you just go

have a seat in the living room?

I'll be back in a jiffy.

Thanks.

- Hot. Hot!

- Uh-huh.

Jesus Christ.

Okay, it's official.

We've entered the Twilight Zone.

- Dude, Liane is f***ing hot.

- She's not ugly.

Here you go, boys.

- Thank you.

- Thanks a lot.

Liane, how are things between you

and Freakshow presently?

Oh! They've never been better.

We love each other so much.

I was just wondering,

how does a guy like Freakshow...

...end up with a girl like you?

Well, we met at choir practice

about four years ago.

Freakshow was really shy

back then, you know,

'cause of all his hideous boils

on his face and neck.

Sure, sure.

But he had

the most amazing voice,

like a baby canary.

The devil is everywhere

Hey, Randy, what,

the devil, huh

The devil is everywhere

Hey, Randy, what

After Easter service one day,

I told him how much I loved his solo

and he finally mustered up

the courage to ask me out.

We've been in love ever since.

So, are you boys gonna

f*** me now or what?

Rock, paper, scissors

to see who goes first. Ready?

- Rock, paper...

- Wait a second.

What about Freakshow?

What? You assume we don't

know how to have a good time?

I just...

Never mind.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Sorry, but if you boys want me,

you have to do me at the same time.

- Huh?

- Come on, give me the double stuff.

I'm not sure

we quite understand, Liane.

I want you both

inside me simultaneously.

- One hole or two?

- Whatever you want.

Sorry. No, thank you.

No, thank you.

Dude, if it's two holes,

it might not be that bad.

- Shotgun anus.

- Forget it!

I don't want our balls

rubbing against each other.

- What, are you kidding?

- No way! Forget it.

How about blow jobs?

Can we have blow jobs?

Well, okay.

Come here.

Okay. I'm going up there.

I wanna come, too.

- Think you could help me with this?

- You need help?

Okay, yeah.

It's a little sticky there.

- You can do it.

- Okay.

I can do it.

I can do it.

Do you wanna play with them?

Play with them.

- Yeah, let's do that.

- Okay.

Let's do that.

Well, boys, I fixed your tire.

Hi, honey!

What in the hell

are you doing with my wife?

You said outside that

we could have sex with her.

Sh*t! Sh*t!

- I most certainly did not.

- Yeah, you did.

- I did not!

- You did.

- Oh, no, I didn't!

- You did, you did.

- You sure?

- You said it.

My mistake!

Freakshow.

Well, since we're all here...

...how about a foursome?

Who wants the first reach-around?

Okay, let's agree to never talk

about what just happened.

Agreed.

That's a very good idea.

Dude, I have no idea

where we are.

What?

- Is that a hitchhiker?

- What the hell?

- Should we pick him up?

- And get chopped to bits? Are you crazy?

You know what? We're lost. He may

know how to get back on the highway.

Get back on the road.

This is my car.

We are not picking up

a hitchhiker, man.

Hey, guys, thanks

for picking me up.

Excuse me,

are you Neil Patrick Harris?

Yep.

- Oh, my God, what are you doing here?

- Holy sh*t.

Dude, Doogie Howser M. D. Was,

like, my favorite show growing up.

You were my idol.

That's great. Could we get going?

I'm bored as sh*t back here.

- Go, go.

- Let's go. This is a frickin' boring spot.

So I gotta ask you, Neil,

did you ever get it on

with Wanda off the set?

Dude, I humped every piece

of ass ever on that show.

Even the chick

who played the hot nurse?

No. I didn't go

all the way with her.

Neil, you wouldn't happen to know

how to get on the highway

from here, would you?

Dude, I don't even know

where the f*** I am right now.

I was at this party earlier tonight

and some guy hooked me up

with this incredible X.

The next thing I know, I'm being

thrown out of a moving car.

- I've been tripping balls ever since.

- That's crazy, dude.

We've been having

a pretty crazy night, too.

We've just been driving around

looking for White Castle,

but we keep getting sidetracked.

Yeah, dude, you fascinate me.

Forget White Castle.

Let's go get some p*ssy.

- Huh?

- It's a f***in' sausage-fest in here.

Let's get us some poontang.

Then we'll go to White Castle.

No, Neil, you don't understand.

We've been craving

these burgers all night.

Yeah, I've been craving

burgers, too... fur burgers.

Come on, dudes, let's pick up

some trim at a strip club.

The Doogie line

always works on strippers.

Lap dance.

There's a gas station.

I'm gonna see if we can get directions.

We don't need...

Hurry up, dudes, hurry up.

I'm losing wood.

Hurry, hurry, hurry,

hurry, hurry, hurry.

- Chill.

- We'll be right back, Neil.

We'll be back.

What's the deal with Neil Patrick Harris?

Why is he so horny?

I don't know, but we can't

let him interfere with our quest.

- Oh, God.

- Sh*t, these punks again.

Late-night Math League

meeting, homos?

Extreme!

Let's go.

No, no.

Pies, pies... no.

Dude, what is that?

Is that a pterodactyl?

I do not know what that is.

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