Harsh Times Page #3

That was the man!

That was the Federal man!

The Federal man!

Department of

Homeland Security

wants me to come in

tomorrow to start testing!

Oh, sh*t!

F***ing A, my brother!

That sh*t is righteous,

motherf***er!

It's on, homie!

Wow, man.

Tomorrow.

So what the f*** you

going to do now, dude?

I got to take a piss test.

If I'm cool,

I'm in the house.

Yeah! Oh!

Sh*t, dude,

do they piss test for weed?

Oh, sh*t!

You f***ed up, man.

Oh, f***.

I f***ed up.

Oh, f***. I f***ed up.

F***! Oh...

You know, one dope

molecule, and I'm done.

And they will burn me

with every law enforcement

outfit in the country.

Sh*t!

Wait, wait, wait,

wait, dude.

Look at me. Look at me.

Look at me. Look at me.

Hey, there's a way out

of every f***ing situation.

- Right? Relax, dude.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I'm going to do

what I got to do, you know?

It's cool. F***, yeah.

I'll pass that sh*t.

Hell, yeah. Yeah.

Of course

you will, dude!

Later, loco.

Don't f***ing trip, dude.

All right.

(sighs):

Sh*t.

Eat.

(knocking on door)

Come in, dumb ass!

What's up, dog?

What up, dog...

Hey, Jim.

Want some coffee?

Sure.

Want some eggs?

There's extra.

Yes, ma'am. Please.

I, uh, heard

about the LAPD.

Sorry about that.

I thought they

guaranteed you a job.

Yea. Me, too.

Well, maybe it

wasn't meant to be.

You know, you being a cop.

Tell her what's up, dude.

Well, I applied

to all the Federal

law enforcement agencies.

You know, ATF, Border Patrol,

ICE, Homeland Security,

all of them.

And Homeland Security's

interested in me.

They want me to come in today

and start testing.

Wow. That's great.

How sure is this?

Well, I got a urinalysis today.

If I pass that, I'll be

a Special Agent candidate,

and then I could

be out of here next month.

You haven't been

smoking out, have you?

Nah. Chilled on that sh*t

a while back.

Good. Well, thanks for driving

Mike around yesterday.

- Yeah, sure.

- Yeah, bro.

Three callbacks.

Damn! Good!

We dropped off

enough resums. Whoo!

Got more.

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

Well, you have

to keep trying

until something happens.

Finding a job is a job, right?

Lunch money.

Thank you.

And good

luck today.

Thank you.

- Love you.

- I love you, too.

Good luck.

And, Jim, good luck

on your pee test.

I hope you studied.

I'm going to

cram for it.

Man, that's freaky.

She was in

a good mood.

Breakfast

and beer money?

Yeah, dude.

She heard the

messages last night.

She got me a sixer.

I slammed two last night.

Out-f***in'-standing!

Now we know beer is just

a phone call away.

Yeah.

Yeah. We talked sh*t out

last night, though.

You know? Hey, all she wants

is for me to get a job.

I shouldn't be playing her

like that.

Dude, you had a good job,

with that, uh, with

that Web design sh*t.

Had, dude. Had.

All right? All that

sh*t's in India now.

Want a cold one?

No, later.

You got any vinegar?

Vinegar? What for?

(exhales):

Ah...

(groans):

Oh...

Damn, dude!

Ah...!

(blabbers)

- Man!

- That is f***in' sick, man.

What'd you do that for?

- Shuts down the old kidneys.

- Ooh.

Come on, let's roll.

Grab me that bag, dude.

Little trick I learned

in the service.

Aw, that's sick, dude.

You're gonna stick

a turkey baster in your dick?

Quit looking, f*ggot.

You wish.

(quiet grunt)

(loud groaning)

(groans):

Oh, man.

(yells in pain)

F***in'...

sh*t, dude.

Oh, f***in' sh*t...

- (pained grunting)

- Aw...

Aw, motherf***er!

(gasps, groans)

Whew!

Ah...

(inhales)

(groans)

That was...

unpleasant.

(quiet groan):

Man...

(clears throat softly)

Man, I want to get

this sh*t over with.

You know, my teeth are floating.

(Jim groans)

Oh...

You get those

in the military, dog?

I was a Ranger.

Your mom still suck

a mean dick, hmm?

Gotcha! Shouldn't ignore people.

Why don't you go

f*** yourself!

Hey!

Let's play nice,

boys.

I have everyone's "Consent to

Urinalysis" form signed

and dated, am I right?

ALL:

Yes, sir.

Good. I'm Agent Richards.

Jackets off.

I will now administer

the easiest test

Homeland Security

will ever give you,

the whizz quiz.

Roll up both sleeves

past the elbow.

Remove all gloves, rings,

watches, bracelets,

jewelry, Band-Aids

and bandages.

I want to see nothing

but bare hands and forearms.

Wiggle your fingers.

Let me see

both sides.

Beautifully done.

Again, gentlemen,

no talking.

Detweiler, is it?

You're with me.

(blows sharply)

(blows softly)

(blows loudly)

(whispers):

F***er.

(door opens, closes)

RICHARDS:

Next!

Name?

Davis, Jim.

Ah, the Ranger.

Yes, sir.

- You serve?

- 101st.

- High speed.

- All right.

Think you can fill that, son?

I could fill

a goddamn trash can, sir.

(laughs):
You're full of piss

and vinegar, aren't you, Jim?

Yes, sir.

##

Hey, unload that sh*t before

you clown with it, okay?

I don't want my head

blown off

just when I'm getting

it straight.

Pop! What's it like

to just straight-up

whack a motherf***er?

What's it like?

I mean, what the f***, you know?

It's like nothing.

What's it supposed to be like?

You tell me.

You were busting heads

for the military.

I can't talk about

this sh*t, Mike.

But I will tell you one

thing-- you point and shoot,

pop, pop, move on, f*** 'em,

they shouldn't have been there,

you move the f*** on.

You do not stop

and think about it.

- It's not a big deal.

- So if it's nothing,

then what you getting

all mad for?

I'm not getting mad.

I just hate stupid

questions, Mike.

You think you killed

a lot of Commies?

- They weren't Commies, dumb ass.

- Then what were they?

You know what they were--

they were f***in' Hajjis,

terrorists, the bad guys.

Did you like it?

(quietly):
Oh, sh*t.

Did you dig it?

You bust a nut?

(popping sound)

Not f***in' now, man.

Seriously.

You're killing my buzz, dude.

Aw, kick back, stress case.

Are we on a mission to

sell this piece or what?

Hell, yeah.

Let's sell this

f***in' piece.

Got to get some scratch,

you know what I'm saying?

Pop! Pop! Pop!

(dog barking in distance)

(loud music playing over stereo)

# Don't lay your funky trip

on me... #

Yo, Darrel!

- Yo, yo, yo, Darrel!

- Wake the f*** up, Darrel!

- (loud music continues)

- (banging on door)

Darrel!

Come on, come on, come on,

wake up and f***in'

shine!

(loud music continues)

Y'all need to knock

this sh*t off right now.

- (Mike chuckling)

- Hey, what's up, bro?

(both talking indistinctly)

Come on in, motherfuckers.

(mocking gibberish)

Yeah.

Get your little

ass up in here.

Sh*t!

# Brother, please! #

Oh, man...

y'all scared

the f*** out of me, man.

(chuckling)

You motherfuckers

got ties on.

I saw that city-lookin'

car pull up--

I thought y'all was

some rollers or sh*t.

(chuckles quietly)

I just got out of County.

- $9,600.

- No sh*t. When?

Yesterday.

MIKE:
Damn. What'd

they put on you?

Some bullshit.

I saw some wrong-ass sh*t

up in there, dude.

I ain't ever going back

to that motherf***er.

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