He Said, She Said Page #2

- No. In fact, she looked very happy.

But, you know, ignorance is bliss.

I just don't understand women like that.

Maybe I'm too cerebral.

- That means brainy.

- I know.

You've something on your face,

a crumb or dirt or something.

What are you...? Stop.

- So, public sculpture, for or against?

- What do you think?

- I was against.

- That doesn't surprise me!

They'll print yours anyway.

It's a men's club.

- Come on.

- Know where I'd like to work?

The New York Times.

At least I could influence people there,

even change the way they think.

That's why I want this column.

I don't want to be stuck

reporting weddings forever.

Really? I thought

all women loved weddings.

You think you can get to me,

don't you?

All right,

if we're talking in stereotypes,

all women want to get married,

and all men fear commitment.

You don't understand. It's not fear.

We don't have a choice,

we can't commit.

It's deep inside, an animal instinct

that keeps us separate from the pack.

- Right, like your friend the Wolfman.

- Exactly.

Perfect example:
Wolfman's

a source of strength for us guys.

He's strong, aloof,

destined to live alone.

He's his own man, his own wolf.

He's his own Wolfman.

He knows he can't get close to anyone,

because when the moon is full...

Bingo! Somebody is gonna get hurt.

So he takes his intimacy where he can,

a night here, a night there...

Other women fall for this sh*t, huh?

It's not sh*t. I deeply believe in this.

Sounds like an excuse to me.

Sooner or later,

even the Wolfman has to choose.

- Ready to order, Miss?

- Oh, yes.

I will start with...

...monogamy, then commitment...

...and then I will have the marriage.

The marriage comes with commitment.

Unless you'd like

something on the side.

Oh, no, not me.

But maybe children later.

Good choice, ma'am.

- The monogamy is good here.

- And you, sir?

Just a side order of sex, please.

Sorry, sir,

it only comes with commitment.

I'll make it easy for you.

I'll take the complete dinner.

Hold the commitment and monogamy,

bring me the sex, and we're all happy.

- You don't want monogamy?

- Can't you read the sign?

Do you need more time to decide?

I hear the ravioli here is great.

Yeah, sure. Ravioli sounds fine.

When I'm editor,

I'll give you another chance.

When you're editor, I'll be long gone.

Don't feel sorry for me.

- Sh*t!

- What's wrong?

My contact, it popped out.

God, I'm always doing this.

Hang on. I'm excellent at this.

I have an uncanny power. Watch.

Attention, everybody, please.

Nobody move.

My friend has just lost a contact lens.

So everybody just stop!

Just look down and...

Oh, boy.

Was that it?

I don't know, I can't see.

We've got it.

Thanks. Thank you.

I'm really sorry.

How am I going to drive? I'll have

to read my column with one eye.

What?

What?

- I'm sorry. It's just...

- What?

...funny. Don't you think it's funny?

Hey, that's stealing.

Wait, I just want to say,

before we look,

whatever happens,

I had a good time tonight.

OK.

- I don't believe it.

- Goddammit!

This is not fair.

Only one of us was supposed to win.

- It was mine in the first place.

- It's nice of them to...

- Nice?

- It's me who should be upset.

Listen, buster. The only reason

they ran yours at all is because...

...you have a penis.

Well, why didn't you show them yours?

Hey, forget it.

I had a terrible time tonight.

- Dan, good job. You showed her.

- What do you mean? She's right.

Did we read the same column?

- Hey, Phil. The usual.

- You got it.

You gonna stare at me all night,

or are you gonna buy me a drink?

And one of whatever

this young lady's having.

- You're the literary type, huh?

- Depends. What type do you like?

Oh, men about your height.

Men about your size.

- But we must work on the clothes.

- What's wrong with them?

They're on.

I've missed you.

- How was Paris?

- Wet.

Oh, Linda.

How about we get out of here?

Hold on, big boy, I want my drink.

So who's the girl? You two a team?

Oh, God, no. They wouldn't do that.

It's a one-shot deal.

I'll never have to work with her again.

That's what we decided.

We'll start with three columns a week.

I think we've got something here.

People love a good fight.

- That's a great line for an ad.

- All right.

Next job:
there's a new dance thing

at the Royal.

- The pornographic thing.

- There's a brief nude scene.

- You've seen it?

- No, but...

- Is this knee-jerk liberalism?

- What about you?

Do it.

- That shouldn't be allowed.

- Who are you to say?

I'm an average person.

If it offends me, it would most people.

- Let people decide for themselves.

- I just give the facts.

You call what you write the facts?

Boiling down complex issues into

pithy epigrams from your Uncle Olaf.

Wait a second.

Leave my Uncle Olaf out of this.

Give me a break. He's a cheap literary

invention. He doesn't even exist.

My uncle is not cheap.

I'll prove he exists. What shall we bet?

I will bet you a drink.

- You're on.

- OK.

He's not home.

He has a new girlfriend.

- Tuesday night is polka night.

- Really?

- I'll have a gin and tonic.

- He's just not home.

- Do you want to dance?

- I don't dance.

I'll have a gin and tonic.

You're really good.

Oh, God.

I know this guy.

He's an incredible drag.

He's always coming on to me.

If he comes over and asks to dance,

will you dance with me, please?

Lorie... Hi, it's me, Steve.

I haven't seen you here in ages.

You looked great out there.

Excuse me, we were...

Do you want to dance?

I miss the way we move together.

Sorry, buddy, she's dancing with me.

- Thanks.

- It's OK.

- What's wrong?

- I don't know.

Look...

I wanted to say the other night that...

...most girls' eyes don't sparkle

when they take their contacts out.

But yours do... I couldn't say that,

because it'd sound stupid,

and you'd think I was chasing you,

and I didn't want you to, because...

...because I was chasing you.

If you wanted to confuse me,

you've done a good job. I would really...

...really like to kiss you again, but...

...not if you're going to laugh at me.

I won't laugh at you.

- Do you want to...?

- Yes.

Mr Hanson.

Must be Wednesday.

Big order day, right?

Planning for the weekend.

You must spend half your salary here.

- I'm not complaining, though.

- Lou, just one order today.

- What? Only one?

- Yeah, let's see...

...roses, or maybe Birds of Paradise.

It all depends on the desired effect.

Breaking the ice, sexual overture...

Not...love?

Please, Mr Hanson...

Tell me it's not love.

No.

- I don't know.

- You know what love is?

It's a time bomb, waiting to go off.

Believe me.

That's why God made other women.

No matter how good

any one woman might be...

...there's always another one around

the corner that could be even better.

- You OK?

- I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm OK.

4.15, morning terrors. It's OK.

Take some deep breaths

and come back to bed.

- Come on.

- You never take this seriously.

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