He Said, She Said Page #7

Was there somebody else

in your bed with you, who wasn't me?

I don't know,

I'm sure we probably did once.

All right, twice.

What am I supposed

to feel bad about?

That the minute you and I touched,

my other involvements didn't melt away?

Not all your involvements.

Just all your sexual involvements.

What is the big deal?

From the moment

I went to bed with you,

sleeping with another man

became unthinkable to me.

But for you, sleeping with another

woman remained...thinkable.

That was in the beginning.

Let's talk about now.

You're the one who...

- The one who what?

- The one who I'm with now.

Isn't that what counts?

- I want to meet her.

- You really think that's a good idea?

I want to meet her.

I've been working on our new Fall Line.

I brought the catalogue.

You should take a look.

I'm sure we could find you...

...something that would be flattering.

- Honey?

- What?

- We have this little thing with our food.

- Dan.

Don't be embarrassed.

Dan tells me everything.

I'm sure you know

most of his secrets by now, too.

- Well.

- Well, maybe not all of them.

We lost our virginity together.

We were fourteen, just kids.

- But even then he was incredible.

- Well.

Don't you think so?

Over the years, I've kept a diary

of our favourite sexual positions.

- Oh, neat.

- Just a few notes and some drawings.

- Would you like to see them?

- Honey?

What do you say?

- Here's one. March 17th, 1980.

- Whoops!

- You remember?

- Yes, the kitchen.

Right.

You can see from the drawing

just where to put the blender.

Oh, Linda.

I think this one

would be just cute on you.

Honey, you OK?

Why don't you just have sex

and get it over with?

I think I'm just going to get out of here.

What kind of stunt is this?

Seeing you together,

there seemed to be no room for me.

- That's unfair. You wanted to meet her.

- Yes, I realise that, but...

If you can be that way with someone

else, I can't be with you right now.

Stand by, please.

Don't be nervous,

it's just an audition tape.

If it's bad, we throw it out.

But I know you guys will be great.

Wait a minute, Wally.

This isn't the copy I wrote.

We had to trim it. We don't have

much time to make our point.

Boom-boom, and next commercial!

I thought that we would be writing.

It's an opinion show, after all.

- You will, once you get the knack.

- It's just an audition, to see how we look.

- Right.

- What difference does it make?

- Don't blow this for us.

- I'm not, it's just...

- You wanna know the secret?

- What?

- Just smile big and pretty.

- You're gonna be great.

- Here we go.

- I gotta go.

Wow, it's true, the camera

really does add weight.

Eight, seven, six...

I think there's a spot on your dress.

- Hi, I'm Dan Hanson.

- And I'm Lorie Bryer.

- And this is He Said...

- ...She Said.

Stop tape, please.

Lorie...

Lorie, it's going great.

But this isn't a game show.

- Try smiling a little less.

- But she said...

The make-up lady has

guided many great careers.

The enthusiasm is wonderful,

just not quite so many teeth.

Otherwise I'm thrilled.

Let's go again...

- You're doing it on purpose.

- I'm just nervous.

- Where's this spot?

- It's on your left boob.

- Hi, I'm Dan Hanson.

- And I'm Lorie Bryer.

- And this is He Said...

- ...She Said.

Our issue of the day is garbage.

Our dumps will be full in ten years,

and what then?

A lot of people feel

it's the government's responsibility.

Maybe they're right.

But as my Uncle Olaf used to say,

"You make the trash, you take it out."

What's she doing?

Stop tape, please.

- Honey, we're both on camera.

- I'm sorry.

- If you don't want this, just say!

- I did, if you recall.

I'm doing the best I can.

- Can we try again?

- Why do we always do what you want?

What? I took vacation to visit your

parents, I'm always at your place.

- Don't you want to be?

- Yes, I just feel like a stranger.

- That's just your attitude.

- There's nowhere for my stuff.

- Move your exercycle.

- Unbelievable.

What about your man things

all over the place?

- Man things?

- Your big shoes and 3-D map.

And you're the only man in North

America who still wears pyjamas.

Hold it.

Why don't we take a short break

and then try it again?

Good.

I didn't mean to look like a retard.

Hey, it's no big deal.

We've got the best jobs in Baltimore.

So television doesn't want us.

It's television's loss.

You know you drag me out here,

you scare me to death.

And just when I think I have

every reason to be mad at you...

...that's when you're the nicest.

You know all my tricks.

Come on.

- I was so awful...

- No, you weren't.

I was terrible. I could've died.

- Lorie?

- What?

Honey, let's do it. Let's move in

together. What do you say?

Well, guys, we went over the tape,

and, believe it or not, it looked great.

What do you say?

I say yes.

- You were crazy to say we were good.

- What did you want, the truth?

It's a beautiful story.

You should be grateful, I helped you.

Well, now there are other people

you can help, Wally.

This can't be happening.

Work with me, God.

Lorie, I'm begging you.

- Bye, boss. See you tomorrow.

- And you, Judas.

You may not have a job tomorrow.

I may not have a job tomorrow.

Please!

Wait, wait. Come back.

Forget about Wally.

You look a little ragged.

I don't mind helping you.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Stop the car. Back up.

- What's the matter?

- Just...

- God.

- What?

Sh*t, of all the restaurants.

Look at that jerk!

And at our table, too.

God.

Lorie, stop torturing yourself.

Come on, let me take you home.

No.

Mark, could you be a pal

and do me a really big favour?

What?

Well?

He's going to go to her hotel.

He's... He's gonna spend

the night with her.

To hell with him!

To hell with her!

- No, wait.

- What?

- We're going over there.

- Lorie!

The next thing I know, whack!

I actually saw stars.

- We've a right to eat in a public place.

- ...seriously injured, I could sue!

- We'll have lunch.

- The Caesar's great.

- Maybe he'll choke.

- There's blood pouring from my head.

- She storms out, all hell breaks loose...

- Dan...

- What?

- She's right over there. By the door.

- Hi, I didn't know you were here!

- She's got some nerve.

Jerk! The corpse of our relationship

not even cold.

OK, I can do this, too.

- May we join you?

- Come on over.

- OK.

- Sure.

Linda, how nice to see you... Sit.

Linda, you remember Mark.

- So, here we are.

- Yes, aren't we, though.

Isn't it great that we can all get

together, so soon after our break-up?

Did Dan tell you, Linda?

We broke up.

Of course, he tells you everything.

- I think it's great you can be so adult.

- Thank you.

You've bounced back, too. Four hours

and here we are, right on schedule.

I had a choice:
sit in my office and

wallow, or keep my date with Linda.

- Why don't we go someplace else?

- No, I love this place.

Dan and I had our first date here.

At this very table, in fact.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes