Head of State Page #5

Bottom line:

I don't think I want Gilliam

and his homies to be in the White House.

People are saying these ads

are dirty politics. Give me a small break!

We're not talking about running

a rib shack but a country!

He's running for President

and every vote counts!

Ladies and gentlemen, Mays Gilliam!

And if these ads are so bad,

why hasn't Gilliam said anything?

Howard Stern rocks!

You're on with Big Dave.

The reason Gilliam hasn't responded

is because he has too much integrity.

We just got endorsements

from Raekwon the Chef...

and Ghostface Killah.

- Is this good?

- It's great.

Where are we on this running mate thing?

I've been making calls.

Nobody wants to run with you.

Who did you call?

Everybody.

Did you call Hammer?

No, I did not call Hammer.

Then you didn't call everybody.

Mr. Gilliam, can I have your autograph?

I'll be right back.

- Should we call Hammer?

- No.

Say cheese!

Mays Gilliam did not attend

this year's annual rally against cancer.

Is Mays Gilliam for cancer

or against cancer?

Mays Gilliam, he's for cancer.

Vote Brian Lewis for President.

It's your last chance.

Cancer lover!

No, he does not get away with this crap!

This is what we'll do.

You ever watch Bugs Bunny?

Bugs would always shoot Elmer Fudd

in the face and drop an anvil on his head.

But what made Elmer really mad

is when Bugs Bunny kissed him.

We got to kiss this b*tch.

- How do you propose we do that?

- Watch this.

I'm a Klansman. I hate n*ggers, Jews,

and fags, but I love Brian Lewis.

Yo, what's up? I'm Osama Bin Laden.

I hate America, but I love Brian Lewis.

Paid for by Osama Bin Laden.

Sharon Stone is a defector.

That's what Lewis campaign insiders

are saying about the Hollywood star...

and cousin of Vice President Lewis,

after Stone's endorsement of Mays Gilliam.

I don't believe it!

Yeah!

I know!

Did you hear...

What are you doing here?

Gilliam is over 30 points.

That means even if he loses

he's the frontrunner in 2008.

In case you've forgotten,

I intend to run for President in 2008...

and I am not running against him.

So this is over.

Either you put a stop to it or I will.

I came on board to run a campaign

for a man we didn't expect to win...

not to sabotage him so he'd lose.

You're in this as thick as I am.

Of course he's supposed to lose!

That's why we picked him.

Are you with me or are you with him?

I thought you wanted

what was best for the party.

I'm what's best for the party!

What's the matter?

Democracy doesn't work for you

when you're not winning?

I'm with him.

I'm with him?

- Who are these people again?

- The Urban Business Board.

- What are your plans for Social Security?

- Give it to old people.

- Your plans on global warming?

- Global ice tea.

- You the man!

- You the woman!

I want to introduce you

to Chester Norris Allen.

He owns a bottling plant in D.C.

and I spoke to him about our problem.

We've got a nice check for you.

We can't take it. You sell malt liquor to kids.

I do no such thing.

Come on, man. It's orange beer

with a nipple top. Now, who's that for?

It's Crib Malt Liquor, man!

He's unbelievable!

Damn it, we need that money!

Why do you make everything so difficult?

It's Crib Malt Liquor!

"Crib Malt Liquor,

just like Mama used to make"?

Whose mama? Not my mama!

The situation is getting tense with the threat

of the bus line being shut down.

Protestors took their concerns

to transit officials...

but talks broke down when the newly

appointed alderman, Reginald Shannon...

was punched in the face

by an angry protestor.

- Good evening, sir.

- What's up, Nikki?

I noticed you weren't at the party,

so I thought...

if there is anything you would like

for me to do, I would be happy to.

Could I ask you something?

Yes.

You seem like a nice girl.

How did you get into this line of work?

I went to the University of Nebraska...

where I majored

in Theater and Communications.

I did some extra work,

and a few things that went straight to video.

Okay.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure.

Since I've been here, you haven't really

given me any assignments.

I was wondering if you find me attractive.

I think you're...

I think you're very attractive. It's just that...

I like to get to know people

before I get involved.

I don't mean to be out of line, sir...

but are you?

Am I what?

Trying to get to know somebody.

- It is late, I'm out of here.

- You need to take a cab.

I'll be fine. I'm just gonna walk.

Take a cab!

I'll be fine. I'll walk.

Need a ride?

Where are we going?

I just thought I'd give you a little tour.

If you look over there,

it's the Lincoln Memorial.

Lincoln freed the slaves...

but before he did it, he said,

"First you n*ggers got to build me a statue. "

Right there is the Jefferson Memorial.

Jefferson had a black mistress.

He said, "All men are created equal,

but black women got the nicest ass!"

That's the Treasury.

If you look real hard in the window,

you can see Oprah counting her money.

$20 trillion one, $20 trillion two...

Hi, Oprah!

What's it like...

traveling all over the country

and meeting all those people?

I like it. I like traveling,

I like meeting the people.

But sometimes, you don't know

if people like you for you.

- Know what I mean?

- I like you for you.

And I think you're okay.

- Just okay?

- I'm just playing.

I forgot how nice D.C. was.

I'm always working.

I never get a chance to check it out.

Maybe you need to take advantage

of what's in front of you.

You never know, you may look up someday,

and it might not be there.

Freeze!

Put your hands up in the air

and step away from Mr. Gilliam!

It's okay!

- What the hell are you doing?

- What the hell are you doing?

You can't go dashing off

in the middle of the night with some girl.

Something's happened.

We got to pack and get out of here!

Somebody make sure she gets home safely.

We have a plane waiting for us.

In Florida today, guns and explosives

were found at a junior high school.

No one was injured in the incident,

but with just six weeks till Election Day...

this could be a hot-button issue

for both parties.

Now, back to the Jay-Z song

already in progress.

Muhammad, get me a gun

in case another kid tries to get crazy.

This could work in our favor.

Florida is a big Second Amendment state.

This is serious. This is not the Player's Ball.

You can cut into Lewis' numbers.

Talk about the kids, not about the guns.

If I get shot, everybody is fired.

One question here.

There's been an outcry that something

needs to be done about school violence.

What do you plan to do about this?

I feel we need to talk to our kids...

Excuse me.

Hello, children.

Good morning.

Pay attention.

This is going to be a class: Bullshit 101.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our American children are hurting today...

and we need to reach out to them...

and give them all

a good old-fashioned American hug.

America is the greatest country

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