Head Office Page #5

how to play like him. He doesn't have to. Graduated first at M.I.T.,

IQ of about 10,000. That's INC's new fair-haired

boy, and they know it. [thrilling synthesizer music] [grunts] [groans] [laughing] Come on. [groans] You okay, Conan? No sweat. [groans] Eight-zip.

[laughing] Come on; come on! Are you okay? I just never played

full-contact racquetball before. Come on! You'll be okay. Come on.

Let's get these guys. [laughing] Banzai! [grunts] Damn it. All right! [laughing] Sh*t! Jeez, how did you miss that? Damn! Come on; come on! 15-12. All right! Game and match. Well, we beat 'em. But we suffered. You suffered. We beat 'em. What are you doing? I'm working. You're--you're bleeding

is what you're doing. Excuse me. It's 10:00 at night. You should be bleeding

on your own time. There are a few things I have

to clear up before tomorrow. [chuckling] I can't believe the man's

total devotion to his work. [sighs] To Rabinovich and Issel, forever victorious,

forever bold. Look, they're just

a few columns I have to add up before tomorrow, okay? Look at your commitment. I went through college

and business school with someone else's notes

and a Xerox machine. I Xerox my way through life,

Ranovich. [sighs] Do the minimum;

keep your old man off your back. Take the glorious path

of least resistance. That's me. Sounds all right

if you can pull it off. It scares the sh*t

out of me to think I'm going to be

an executive here at 50. It scares the sh*t

out of me to think I won't be an executive

here at 50. Can I help you? They said you'd have

my business cards up here. The name's Hudson. John Hudson. Let me check. Whose are these? Those are Mr. Rabinovich's. Yours aren't here yet. What's all this about? Somebody fired? No, they moved Jack Issel

up here from 29. This is

the vice presidents' floor. He got a promotion. In one week? In one goddamn week? That's right. This is too great. I don't understand this

at all. This is very strange. Lesson number 23: don't try

and figure them out. If they give you something,

go for it. Absolutely. Mr. Rabinovich. [sexy music] Uh, two more luncheon specials

over here, please, out here! Thanks. Two more here also! [laughing] How's it going? What happened? They fired him

this morning. Shoot my brains out. Quicker--that'll be quicker. No problem for anybody--bang--

[snaps fingers] Apparently a letter with

his card enclosed was dropped at the office of a Saudi company

we do a lot of business with. It said that INC wouldn't

boycott the Israelis and that the Saudis

could go screw themselves. What? Well, the sheik freaked. Dantley had

to get down and kiss a whole lot of Saudi ass

to cool them out. And they insisted

Rabinovich be fired. Who the hell would have put

Rabinovich's card-- It's no longer an issue, man. Don't get involved

if you want to survive. [determined synthesizer music] Coffee, coffee, coffee! Now, now, now! Move your goddamn ass! Allow me. Your coffee, sir, courtesy of Rabinovich. This is from me. [clattering] He'll need some cream

and sugar. "Department: Public Relations." [keys clacking] "Subject: Allenville." This is word-processing

input unit 1205 amp. Public Relations room 417,

Jack Issel. "Proposal: Cooperative

plant ownership. "Objective--

[keys clacking] "Save the community,

enhance INC image "as 'the company

who cares about people.'" Right there; look. (man)

"Cooperative plant ownership?" That does sound like some sort

of communist thing to me. What did I tell you? [ominous music] Are you Jack Issel? Yeah. Security check. Clear the files. Hey, what are you doing? Bag everything. Want to tell me what's going on? What the hell is this? It looks like a print-out

of my Allenville report. You would have

the workers controlling the means of production. And that is anti-profit,

which is anti-business, which is anti-INC International, which is anti-American, which is anti-Christian, which is anti-life, and pro-abortions. Hey, it was just a suggestion. A suggestion? What do you think? If I had my way,

I would take you people into the street

and have you shot. Shot? Photos! [flash popping] So how's the work going, Jack? (Jack)

Work?

Fine. Good. Very good. Did security

run a check on you? Well, that's what

they called it, sir. Very intense sentiments. Well, security's

an intense profession. Jack, think they're

a bit trigger-happy? They thought some Allenville

report you wrote was subversive. I straightened them out. My God, your father's

a U.S. senator. I'm sure it was all just some

silly miscommunication, right? I only thought that

if we could somehow find a way to help save the town,

we could really show we were the company that cares. Like our TV ad says,

it's good PR. TV isn't real life.

Is it, Bob? Oh, absolutely not real life,

sir--except perhaps the news. And shows like Real People. [laughs]

Those Amazing Animals

are very real, sir. (Dantley)

I disagree. I think they set

those animals up. I agree with you. Jack. We want Allenville

to go down the tubes. Down the tubes, sir? We want to lose our investment. The plant appreciation

allowance nets us millions in tax refunds

if that town dies. By the way,

I hear Hoover's dying. What's he got? No one knows. He's being very tight-assed

about the thing, sir. How do you think

we should handle it? With this new push

into Latin America, I doubt he can handle the whole

division in his condition-- [laughs]

To be honest. Couldn't have handled it

while he was alive. Mm, he's not dead yet. Right, Jack? No, sir. Oh, you know

what I mean, sir. In terms of company

operating procedure, he's de facto dead. [sizzling] People are looking at me

like I'm already dead. You told them, didn't you, Al? Not a word. I swear

on my mother's grave. [sniffling] If I'm lying,

my wife and kids should be tortured

and killed today. I'm ready to step in

when he dies. If he doesn't die? Oh, I'm confident

he will, sir. What do you think, Jack? [laughing] Why don't you

just kill him, sir? [laughing] No.

No. I told you to go

out there and listen to what those protesters

had to say! Not make some--

some lunatic suggestion-- [clicking] Using my computer key. That could have destroyed

everything I worked for in this company and--and take me

right back to the steno pool. [toilet flushing] Jane, I hope we understand

each other. If anyone finds out

about this, I'm dead. Hi. Hi. Jane. What are you two doing here? Isn't this my office? That's funny. I was in my office

in my bathroom, and now I'm here in her office. This is the sort of thing

I hear that happens to people under stress. How weird. I've been under a lot

of pressure lately. [door opening and shutting] Zip this up for me. Yes, ma'am. This kind's easy

to get off but a bugger

to get on. Yeah, you got a lot

of hair here. You think I'm

an A-1 b*tch, huh? No, ma'am. [zipping noise] You know, we're all

the same up here. Except they call the men tough,

and the women b*tches or worse. What's your opinion? I think you're--very-- Don't fall for it, Jack. No, ma'am. For what? Don't fall for the lie

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