Heartbreakers Page #2

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and then it's my

life all over again.

Mom, I am not that stupid.

You know what I mean.

Well, you're right.

I was stupid.

And it left me

pregnant and alone.

If Barbara hadn't taken me in

and shown me the con-

And you taught me.

OK? I'll be fine.

OK. Fine.

If you've made up your mind...

we will go to New York

and divide up everything.

I'll get the check.

Oh, my Lord!

Eww.

What seems to be

the problem, madam?

Well, I was just about

to take a bite...

and I saw glass. Look.

I am so sorry, ma'am.

This has never happened.

Of course your meal

is, uh, complimentary.

Armando, a bottle

of wine, quickly.

Perhaps a '69 Merlot.

Those shoes

are so wrong for this.

Thanks.

I don't understand

the problem, Philip.

We deposit our money...

and you give it back

when we say so.

I'm afraid it's not that

simple, Ms. Conners.

Hello.

I'm Gloria Vogal.

I.R.S.

Hello.

Oh, I see you've

heard of us.

I'm surprised because

we so seldom hear from you.

Well, I suppose

I might be a little late...

with this year's return.

Maybe even the last 7.

Mother, I'm stunned.

I had no idea you would

evade your responsibilities...

as a U.S. Citizen.

Shut up, Miss Conners.

We've never seen

a dime from you, either.

Look, I know

what must have happened.

You see, I always

assumed that my returns...

were filed by my husband.

Oh...

which one?

Look, just because

I've had some trouble...

with my personal

relationships-

Ms. Conners...

how you earn your money is

of no interest to the I.R.S.

Now, how can I put this in

language you'll understand?

We just want our cut.

How much?

With interest and penalties,

the total comes to $247, 811.

What?

Oh, no, no,

no, no, no.

Ha ha! I'm afraid

that amount is in addition...

to what used to be

in your accounts.

Your latest divorce settlement

arrived this morning.

Thanks.

But that's everything.

It's not all bad.

We give you a full

90 days to pay.

Or...

we move for ward

with criminal charges...

for felony tax

evasion and fraud.

Good luck.

Here's the last of our cash.

1, 150...

1, 170...

1, 190.

That's $1, 300 each.

Wow. Have a nice life

with that, Princess.

- I'll economize.

- Sure.

You can do your own hair,

your own nails.

They actually have some

great shoes at Wal-Mart.

Ugh! All right.

One more con,

but only if we do it right.

What does that mean?

It means no more

small-time crap.

It has to be big.

One big final score

to pay off the I.R.S...

and set me up on my own.

What are you talking about?

Palm Beach.

Palm Beach?

Forget it.

People that rich are

already suspicious.

It's too hard to play.

Palm Beach or nothing.

Too expensive.

Let's find something else.

I am home.

Now, what's the best way

to get a room?

I was thinking

the Trogdon Triangle.

Right. But where are

we going to find...

a trumpet and a talking parrot?

I was thinking of

something simple, traditional.

The Flopper Diver.

No way am I-

Oh!

Oh, my God.

She's cracked

her head open.

Oh, darling!

Oh, careful!

You may be paralyzed.

Call a doctor.

But I'm-I'm sure

she'll be fine.

I think I'm-

Just please let me know if

there's anything else we can do.

Well, you might consider

investing in a mop.

Once again, I apologize.

Now, since we seem...

to have lost your reservation...

we can only let you have

this suite for one night.

Aah!

Uh, then I'm sure we

can work something out.

Could everyone please

just let her rest now?

Yeah. Hey!

Don't you ever flop me

without my consent.

Oh! It had to look

real, Sweetheart.

You fall lousy when

you know it's coming.

I fall fine!

Fake.

Oh, shut up!

Hey! Oh, no!

Cheat!

No, stop!

Hey, boss, just got

3 Camrys in-cherry.

Parts will bring

100 thou easy.

Great.

And the change of

title came through...

on the Mercedes.

You have to sign.

That b*tch.

You know, this is,

like, the eighth frame...

we've gone through

in a week.

Maybe it's time

to retire this picture.

Why the hell can't I stop

thinking about her?

Was it the legs?

She had amazing legs.

Give me that!

Or maybe it was

that she dumped you...

'cause that's never

happened before.

Yeah...yeah.

Who the hell does

she think she is?

She thinks she can do this

to me and just walk out?

Well, she's wrong!

I'm gonna find her.

And then?

Then I'm gonna take care of it.

Dr. Arnold Davis.

Made huge money

when an old uncle died...

45, pretty good shape.

Who's the old bag?

His mom.

She lives with him.

Forget it. He's taken.

Mama's boy.

We can get around her.

Pass. Mothers are death.

Can't argue that.

David D. Cummings...

760 million.

E- commerce stuff...

just ended

marriage number 3.

Downside?

Very big on ironclad prenups...

and as you can see,

massive competition.

We could handle him.

We'd have to be into

a group kind of thing.

Menage a trois?

Try menage a cinq.

Ew. Pass.

Wow. William B. Tensy.

C.E.O. of Tensy Tobacco.

Old money, but also

just plain old.

How much?

3 billion with a few

million more every day.

Hmm...

Not "hmm." I am not

dating the walking dead.

Page, the older the better.

With luck they die

right after the wedding...

and then you're

talking widow money.

I'd have to kiss that?

Well, I'd have to kiss

that way more than you.

Well, maybe you're

into necrophilia.

We'd better work fast.

Why for once can't

we pick someone...

who's just a little bit cute?

Dean was kind of cute.

You're in serious denial.

Cute is dangerous.

Cute leads to feeling,

which leads to screwing...

which leads to screwed.

I know that we can make that

doctor and his mom work for us.

Page, we're going with

Tensy, and that's that.

That is not that.

Look, if you want to go

with Tensy, go with Tensy.

I'm working Davis.

Page, I've told you before,

no simultaneous cons.

Too many angles.

They always go bad.

Yeah, but it's not

just that, is it?

What?

You don't think I can be

the primary, do you?

I didn't say that.

Although it does take

an enormous amount of skill.

I can make men do anything.

Boys. You can make

boys do anything.

Gas station attendants,

bartenders...

the occasional migrant worker...

a one-shot seduction

is child's play...

compared to getting someone

to marry you in 3 months.

4 months.

What?

Well, it took you

4 months this time.

You used to be

able to do it in 3.

What are you saying?

That I'm losing it?

I'm getting too old?

I didn't say that.

I'm in terrific shape.

Feel my butt.

Ugh. I am not feeling

your butt again, Mother.

We all know it's wonderful.

I'll tell you what.

We'll play for it.

Winner picks the mark.

Great.

We'll cut cards.

Right. I'm gonna

trust your cards?

See that guy

over there at the bar?

First one to get him

to buy her a drinkwins.

Deal.

Hi.

Hot.

Yeah, sure is.

Oh!

Let me get that for you.

Oh, my!

Would you?

Sure.

Oh, you're so kind.

I'm Betty.

- Hi. My name-

- Excuse me...

may I grab your nuts?

Mmm.

Salty.

Are you OK?

Can I get you a drink?

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