Heartburn Page #6

it is not a cause any more for divorce.

Are the good times really over

For good?

How to tell if your husband's cheating.

What's the first clue?

It may be a slip of paper

you found in his wallet.

I used to really hate myself for being

suspicious of you and having no proof,

but thank you.

Thank you very much

for giving me proof.

Alone in the still unfinished house

in Washington,

Rachel has turned on the television set.

And as she switches channels,

everything she sees

seems to be an echo

of her own dilemma.

Are you behaving yourself?

Yeah. Juanita, can you please...?

I'm on the phone here.

Yes, I baked bread

and I hung curtains and...

- What do they look like?

- Fine. They look fine.

If you're drunk and one leg

is six inches shorter than the other,

they look even.

What else?

I made chicken stuffed with lemon

and Mark said, "This is delicious."

I made linguine with clam sauce

and Mark said,

"It's the best I've ever eaten."

Oh, and I made pork chops

with mustard and cream

and Mark said, "I never want

my pork chops cooked any other way."

I'm being very good.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

- I hate this.

- I know, sweetie.

- And I wish he were dead.

- I know.

When Arthur was having his little affair,

every time he got on a plane

I would imagine the plane crash,

the funeral,

what I would wear at the funeral,

flirting at the funeral,

how soon I could start dating

after the funeral.

I know.

We go into the warehouse, this huge

warehouse, as big as a football field,

and hundreds of neat

brown packing cases

and gigantic crates

all nailed perfectly together.

And in the middle of all this

is this huge mess

of exploded excelsior

and broken crockery.

The only unbroken plate that arrived.

- We had a fight over who bought it.

- And we won.

You promised you'd let us borrow it

every once in a while

- and have you?

- Take it home with you tonight.

I insist.

That was really fun, wasn't it?

- Thank you.

- Thank you to you.

- Good night.

- Good night.

- We see you Monday.

- Have a nice weekend.

You too.

Can I get you anything?

No.

"Yeah, that really was fun, Rachel.

"It was like old times. It reminded me

of how much fun we used to have.

"How much fun we could still have.

Honey, I love you so much.

"I don't know what got into me.

"I know how hard this must be for you.

"I know how awful and cold

and distant and preoccupied

"and self-involved I must seem,

but please forgive me.

"Can you ever forgive me?"

For instance! For f***ing instance!

Listen to me.

Listen to me.

You have to give this time.

You have to have patience.

You can't take its temperature

every five minutes

to see if the fever's gone down.

It's the only way we can do it.

It's the only way

we will ever get through it.

Hey.

Petunia, hey, come on.

Come on.

- Hi.

- Hello.

How are you?

Good. Can I have a pound

of your ground beef?

Rachel? Rachel,

I was just gonna call you.

And can you put in some veal

and some pork with it?

I found out who Thelma Rice

is having the affair with.

And can I have

a pound of your sausage too, please?

- Who?

- You're not going to like it.

- Who is it?

- Arthur.

Arthur Siegel?

They were seen having drinks

at the Washington Hilton.

Nobody has drinks

at the Washington Hilton

unless something secret's going on.

Arthur is not having an affair

with Thelma Rice.

- How do you know this?

- I just know.

- Tell me.

- OK. Promise you won't tell anyone.

I promise.

I saw Thelma at the gynaecologist's.

She has a horrible infection.

You don't want to know about it.

What? Oh, God!

She made me promise

not to tell anybody.

She almost didn't have to, because

it was so disgusting, I almost couldn't.

I'm telling you because I want you to

know it's not true about her and Arthur.

Well, then why was

she having a drink with him?

She probably wanted some legal advice.

You know, because she got

the infection in a restaurant.

- A Vietnamese restaurant.

- Not the one on K Street?

Somewhere in Virginia,

and she wants to sue them.

Did she get it from the toilet seat

or from something she ate?

From the toilet seat, I guess.

Although I'm not sure.

- Maybe from the spring rolls.

- Oh, God.

Poor Thelma.

- I feel so sorry for her.

- Don't feel too sorry for her.

It's curable.

Eventually.

Yeah, I think I should have

a party for her.

- What?

- For Thelma.

And the three of us should have lunch

Wednesday to plan it.

Wednesday I have to be in New York

at the magazine.

OK. Thelma and I

will have lunch Wednesday.

We'll plan the party.

It'll take Thelma's mind off her infection.

You could start thinking about the menu.

Take your mind off your pregnancy.

- My mind isn't on my pregnancy.

- Start thinking about the menu.

- I want my lollipop!

- I'll get it.

Thanks very much. Have a nice day.

Oh, you know I will.

That's it, then.

- We can have this when?

- Monday.

I don't see how

you can feel that way about raisins.

- Rice pudding is a very personal thing.

- Well, let's go with the illustrations.

How will you be able to handle this

from Washington?

I don't have to be here every day

to run a rice pudding competition.

- I'm fine. Really.

- You look terrible.

Well, I always look terrible

when I'm this pregnant.

No, you don't.

Can I touch it?

Yes.

Feels like a basketball, doesn't it?

- Did you feel that?

- God!

Jesus. What does that...?

What's that feel like?

It's sort of like I'm a drum

and I'm being played from the inside.

It doesn't hurt or anything.

Fare, please.

Thank you.

Dear Ms Samstat,

I am sending this to Washington,

as I understand from your therapist

that you are living there again.

We caught the perpetrator

and he confessed.

So it will not be necessary

for you to appear in court.

Sincerely yours, Andrew O'Brien.

The diamond's loose.

Thelma came over here yesterday.

She's very angry at you and so am I.

She had lunch with Betty, and Betty

told her that you said she had herpes.

I never said herpes.

Come here, you little mousey-pie.

Yes.

You must've said something to her.

I said she had an infection.

Mommy brought you a lolly.

An orange lollipop.

I'm sorry. Really, I am.

Well, Thelma's furious at you.

Thelma's furious at me?

That's really rich. Listen, you bastard.

You tell Thelma she comes here

one more time,

I'll tell Betty she has the clap!

- Bullshit.

- I'll get it into a gossip column too.

"What hopelessly tall Washington

hostess has a social disease?

"And we don't mean her usual climbing!"

Mrs Forman, Annie's lunch is ready.

- Oh, Juanita.

- I want bottle now.

- Milk bottle now?

- Yeah.

- Wanna play spider?

- Yeah.

The itsy-bitsy spider

Went up the waterspout

Down the rain

And washed the spider out

Up came the sun

- And dried up all the rain

- What's that?

Mommy's glasses.

Thank you, sweet pea.

Let's go eat lunch.

The itsy-bitsy spider

Want some corn?

My corn.

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