Heathers Page #15

VERONICA:

You can't be serious? Hey listen,

my Bonnie-and-Clyde days are over.

VERONICA drops her gun in revulsion and launches off her bed.

With a patient smile, J.D. pulls her back down.

J.D.

Do you take German?

VERONICA:

French.

J.D. flicks open his gun and pulls a bullet from the chamber.

J.D.

These are Ich Luge bullets. My

grandfather snared a shitload of

them in W.W. Two. They're like

tranquilizers only they break the

surface of the skin, enough to

cause blood, but not any real harm.

VERONICA:

So it looks like the person's been

shot and killed when they're really

just unconscious and bleeding.

J.D. nods then stands to pace the room, his mind whirring.

J.D.

We shoot Kurt and Ram. Make it look

like they shot each other. By the time

Kurt and Ram regain consciousness,

they'll be the laughingstock's of the

school. The note's the punchline.

How'd it turn out?

VERONICA clumsily extracts the note from her purse. She also

plucks out the crumpled yellow sample of Kurt's handwriting of

the opening note-forge scene. She proudly displays both

papers.

VERONICA:

First tell me this similarity is

not incredible.

J.D.

(warmly)

Incredible similarity.

VERONICA pulls back the note and reads.

VERONICA:

Ram and I died the day we realized

we could never reveal our forbidden

love to an uncaring and ununderstanding

world. The joy we shared in each other's

arms was greater than any touchdown. Yet

we were forced to live the lie of Sexist-

Beer Guzzling-Jock-A**hole.

J.D.

Exquisite, but I don't think

ununderstanding is a word.

VERONICA:

We don't want to make them out to be

too secretly eloquent. Why would the

Germans invent a bullet that doesn't

kill people? I mean it was World War

Two, not a school play.

J.D.

(rapid-fire)

They used them on themselves to

make it look like they were dead.

Really quite a brilliant device, but

too flamboyant to seriously produce.

VERONICA:

Neat. Let's try it out on J.F.K.

VERONICA swiftly picks up her gun and aims it at the lovable

tabby entering the room. J.D. rips it away from her.

J.D.

It doesn't work on small animals!

VERONICA:

Oh.

J.D.

Uh well hey, let's take a look at the

homosexual artifacts I dug up to plant

at the scene. Now prepare to be a

little disappointed.

J.D. lifts up a feminine shopping bag and gently dumps the

contents on the bed.

J.D.

We've got an issue of Stud Puppy, a

candy dish, a Joan Crawford post card,

and some mascara.

VERONICA:

You must have had fun.

J.D.

You know it. Oh man, I almost forgot.

The one perfecto thing I picked up...

J.D. reaches in both his coat pockets and triumphantly raises

out two bottles of Perrier water.

J.D.

Perrier water!

VERONICA:

Oh come on. Lots of people drink

Perrier. It's come a long way.

J.D.

This is Ohio. If you don't have a

brewsky in your hand you might as

well be wearing a dress.

VERONICA:

(mock-seductively)

Oh, you're so smart. How about a

little heterosexuality before we go?

J.D. laughs then climbs onto VERONICA for a hugging kiss.

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT--DAWN

A tense KURT and an excited RAM, playing air guitar, walk

through the misty parking lot toward the woods.

RAM:

(singing)

Sex and Drugs and HBO is all I ever

need! Whoa! Can you hear me! Hello

Tokyo! I said Sex and Drugs and...

KURT:

Shut the f*** up, all right.

RAM:

Lighten up, dude. In those woods is

some of the finest p*ssy in the school

and we don't even have to buy it a

hamburger and a Diet Coke. What a way

to start the day! Punch it in!

KURT feebly slams knuckles with RAM.

EXT. CLEARING IN THE WOODS--DAWN

VEONICA stands in the middle of a clearing in the woods. She

nervously tucks the gun in the back of her dress as KURT and

RAM emerge into the clearing from a path in the woods.

KURT:

Hi Veronica.

VERONICA:

(forced cheerfulness)

Hi Guys. Glad you could make it.

RAM smacks his hands together.

RAM:

So do we just start f***ing?

VERONICA:

I've made a circle on each end of

the clearing. Ram, you come over here.

KURT steps into the scratched-in-the-dirt circle next to him.

A confused RAM walks past VERONICA and steps into a circle at

the opposite end of the foggy clearing.

VERONICA:

The guys pause, then slowly start taking off their clothes.

RAM:

What about you?

VERONICA:

I was hoping you'd rip my clothes

off me, sport.

RAM:

Oh. Good idea.

KURT and RAM awkwardly stand at opposite ends in their undies.

VERONICA:

Count of three, guys.

RAM giggles in anticipation.

VERONICA:

One.

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