Heathers Page #14

An O.S. Moo and the Jocks' laughter is heard as mud splashes

against the mortified faces of VERONICA and HEATHER MCNAMARA.

DEEPER IN THE PASTURE--LATER IN THE NIGHT

KURT stumbles after a more annoyed than scared VERONICA.

KURT:

"When I get that feeling, I need

sexual healing....."

VERONICA:

Yeah, right, a**hole.

VERONICA makes her way up a hill, pausing to compassionately

stare at RAM on top of a dispirited HEATHER MCNAMARA. KURT's

intoxicated brain has trouble dealing with the incline.

Majestically, J.D. appears at the top of the hill. KURT

squints up the hill and falls over backwards.

J.D.

What is this sh*t?

VERONICA:

I'm doing a favor for Heather. A double date. I

tried to tell you at the funeral but you rode off.

KURT:

(still face down)

"Feel like making bah da dah bah da

dah, feel like making love."

J.D.

Another f***ing Heather.

(harshly laughs)

I'm sorry. I'm feeling kind of superior

tonight. Seven high schools in seven

states and the only thing different

was my locker combination. We've broke

through the peer pressure cooker. So

what if we had to kill Miss Popularity..

VERONICA clumsily high heels it up the hill.

VERONICA:

So what? Don't smile like that, Jesus!

J.D.

Our love is God. Let's get a Slurpee.

J.D. solemnly reaches toward VERONICA. She, less solemn,

takes his hand. Their bodies disappear over the hill.

KURT:

"And she's buying the stairway to heaven.."

INT. NEWSPAPER/YEARBOOK WORKSHOP--DAY

In a cluttered school workshop, Editor DENNIS and YEARBOOK GIRL

ALISON confer over a layout sheet. Alison wears a walkman and

BIG FUN T-shirt. PETER DAWSON pouts behind them.

DENNIS:

I'm not belittling the Foodless Fund,

Peter, but we're talking teen suicide!

Ask Alison here, the number one song

right now is "Teenage Suicide (Don't Do

It)" by BigFun. Jesus man, Westerburg

finally got one of these things and I'm

not going to blow it.

PETER:

Great. Heather gets the headline and I

get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon.

VERONICA breezes in.

VERONICA:

Hi Guys. I came to check on this

week's lunchtime poll topic.

DENNIS:

Don't worry about it, Veronica,

sit down. That funeral yesterday

must have been really rough.

VERONICA:

Oh. Sure.

DENNIS:

We were, uh, wondering if maybe you

had some poems or artwork that

Heather did that we could put in

the Heather Chandler yearbook spread?

VERONICA:

The what?

DENNIS:

Take a look. We'll have a two page

layout with her suicide note up

here in the right hand corner. It's

more tasteful than it sounds.

Country Club COURTNEY and COURTNEY'S FRIEND come in giggling

and whispering. Seeing VERONICA, they stop dead, then slide

into chairs, laughing softly.

VERONICA:

I don't know. This thing leaves a

bad taste in my mouth.

COURTNEY:

Like last night, Veronica?

COURTNEY and COURTNEY'S FRIEND explode in laughter.

VERONICA:

I'm sorry? I don't get it.

COURTNEY:

You did last night. Kurt told us of

your little date.

VERONICA:

Yeah. And? I left him drunk and

flailing in cowshit.

COURTNEY:

I don't know. He was really detailed.

PETER:

Shut up, Courtney.

VERONICA:

Don't shut up. I'd like to know just

what I did.

PETER:

(gesturing to the door)

Let me show you that lunchtime

poll topic, Veronica.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE WORKSHOP--DAY

PETER tells VERONICA.

PETER:

I rarely listen to Neanderthals like

Kurt Kelly bu-ut he said you were

bent over like a coffee table with

Kurt going in one end and Ram coming

in the other. Pardon the pun.

VERONICA:

(dazed)

Pardon the pun. Son-of-a-b*tch.

Dizzy, VERONICA hands a clump of dollar bills to PETER.

VERONICA:

Thanks Pete, for the Foodless Fund.

PETER cheerfully pockets the cash as VERONICA drifts off.

INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

VERONICA arousingly speaks into her phone.

VERONICA:

Hi, Kurt? This is Veronica Sawyer. I

didn't expect to be calling either. I

guess my emotions took over. I was

wondering if you wanted all those

things you've been saying to really

happen. It's always been a fantasy of

mine to have two guys at once......

Sure, you can write Penthouse Forum.

Revealed to be lounging on her bed, J.D. laughs out loud.

VERONICA throws a book at him.

VERONICA:

That's right. In the woods behind the

school. At Dawn. And don't forget Ram.

INT. THE KELLY KITCHEN--NIGHT

KURT hangs up with an amazed expression on his face.

KURT:

Women.

INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

VERONICA and J.D. load guns on VERONICA's bed. VERONICA breaks

into a laugh.

VERONICA:

I don't get the point of me writing

a suicide note when we'll just be

shooting them with blanks.

J.D.

Get crucial. We won't be using

blanks this time.

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