Heathers Page #13

FATHER RIPPER:

(cont'd)

It's Jesus Christ and he's in the book.

KNEELING PODIUM BEFORE COFFIN--LATER

BETTY FINN is kneeling before HEATHER CHANDLER'S open coffin.

The viewer hears what she is thinking.

BETTY (V.O.)

May Heather Chandler rest in peace

even though she committed suicide.

For-the-kingdom-the-power-and-the-

glory-are-yours-now-and-forever-Amen.

BETTY FINN makes the sign of the cross, rises, and exits.

HEATHER MCNAMARA takes her place on the kneeling podium.

HEATHER MCNAMARA (V.O.)

Oh God, this is a tragic thing and

sometimes I have a hard time dealing

with it and stuff. Please send Heather

to heaven and all that. Thanks. I

mean, Amen.

HEATHER MCNAMARA exits and PETER DAWSON moves in her place.

PETER (V.O.)

Dear God, make sure this never

happens to me. I do not think I

could handle suicide and that's

the God's honest truth. Pardon

the pun. Fast-early-acceptance-

into-an-Ivy-League-school-and-

please-let-it-be-Harvard. Amen.

PETER flees and RAM uncomfortably takes his place.

RAM (V.O.)

Jesus God in heaven, uh, why did

you kill such hot snatch. That's

a joke, man. People are so serious.

(a beat)

Hail Mary, who aren't in heaven,

pray for us sinners....so we don't

get caught. Another joke, man.

RAM clumsily exits. HEATHER DUKE solemnly kneels in his place.

HEATHER DUKE (V.O.)

I prayed for the death of Heather

Chandler many times and I felt bad

every time I did, but I kept doing

it anyway. Now I know you understood

everything. Praise Jesus. Alleluia.

HEATHER DUKE departs and VERONICA kneels in her place.

VERONICA (V.O.)

Hi. I'm sorry. Technically I didn't

kill Heather Chandler but hey, who

am I trying to kid, right? I just

want my high school to be a nice

place. Amen. Did that sound bitchy?

CHURCH LOBBY:

HEATHER MCNAMARA dips a big comb in the holy water basin and

then combs out her hair. VERONICA breezes by.

HEATHER MCNAMARA

Veronica. What are you doing tonight?

VERONICA:

Mourning. Maybe watch some T.V. Why?

HEATHER MCNAMARA

Ram asked me out, but he wants to

double with Kurt and Kurt doesn't

have a date.

VERONICA:

Heather, I've got something

going with J.D.

HEATHER MCNAMARA

Please Veronica. Put Billy the Kid on

hold tonight, I'll never forget it.

EXT. CHURCH PARKING LOT--DAY

KURT KELLY and RAM stand by RAM'S van.

KURT:

We on tonight, man?

RAM:

I still got to talk to Heather,

dude. Weird funeral, huh?

KURT:

Pretty weird.

Geeks RODNEY and BRACES thrust by KURT and RAM. BRACES

obliviously steps on KURT's foot.

KURT:

That pudwapper just stepped on my foot.

RAM:

Let's kick his ass.

KURT:

Cool off, we're seniors.

RAM:

Goddamn Geek!

BRACES gives them "the finger".

BRACES:

(awkwardly defiant)

Sit and spin.

KURT and RAM turn to each other more amused than angered.

KURT:

That little prick.

The bolting Jocks effortlessly catch BRACES and put him into a

hunched-over position. The other Geeks look on, ashamed.

KURT:

All right you piece of sh*t fag,

do you like to suck big d*cks?

BRACES:

Cut it out!

RAM pushes BRACES down harder.

KURT:

Say it man. Say I like to suck big d*cks.

RODNEY:

Leave him alone, Kurt.

J.D. rides by on his motorcycle. He turns to watch KURT,

wearing an overwhelmingly tinted motorcycle helmet that reads

THE TRUE KILLER across the top. KURT is spooked.

RAM (O.S.)

Say it!

BRACES:

Okay, okay, you like to suck big d*cks.

Unamused, RAM throws BRACES to the ground. BRACES semi-cries.

BRACES:

I like to suck big d*cks. Mmm-mm!

I can't get enough of them. Satisfied?

KURT:

I'm sure your friends are happy

to hear that.

(with a lisp)

Right, guys?

ANOTHER PLACE IN THE PARKING LOT

VERONICA and HEATHER MCNAMARA sashay through the parking lot.

HEATHER MCNAMARA

Don't worry, Ram's been so sweet

lately, consoling me and stuff.

It'll be really very. Promise.

Moving into the background, BRACES wipes dirt and blood off

his face as his friends glumly watch on.

VERONICA:

All right, but I hope it isn't

going to be one of those nights where

they get shitfaced and take us to a

pasture to tip cows.

EXT. COW PASTURE--NIGHT

A COW stands sleeping. Giggling and drunk, KURT and RAM

scramble around the COW. Uncomfortable and sober, VERONICA and

HEATHER MCNAMARA look on.

KURT:

Is it sleeping, dude?

RAM:

I think so, man.

KURT:

Then get over on my side. Oh sh*t,

cowtipping is the f***ing greatest.

RAM:

Punch it in!

KURT and RAM slam their knuckles and then lean against the

COW, poised to shove. HEATHER MCNAMARA manages a smile but

VERONICA glares it away.

KURT:

Count of three, guy.

KURT AND RAM:

One. Two. Three!

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