Heathers Page #17

McCORD

I always hear gunshots when I'm high

before noon. Life's a crazy b*tch.

Don't try to analyze it. The quarterback

buggering the linebacker. What a waste.

MILNER:

Oh the humanity.

INT. SCHOOL CONFERENCE ROOM--MORNING

Another morning mourning conference. The participants look a

little more frazzled. PAULINE sits at the head of the table.

COUNSELOR HYDE:

(sotto voce to Mrs. Pope)

After every touchdown or whatever,

they give each other a little slap

on the bottom. It seems innocent...

PAULINE (O.S.)

Shut up.

The elderly MRS. POPE shakes her head at the suicide note.

MRS. POPE

Look at this. "Ununderstanding."

PAULINE:

Will you shut up! We were in a

similar position Monday and I

thoughtfully suggested that we get

the students together for an

unadulterated emotional outpouring.

You took the suggestion as an

opportunity to play yet another round

of "Let's laugh at the Hippie."

COUNSELOR HYDE:

Pauline, if you want a tryout

for the school play....

PRINCIPAL GOWAN hoarsely breaks in.

PRINCIPAL GOWAN:

Shut up, Paul. I've seen a lot of

bullshit--angel dust, switchblades,

sexually perverse photography

exhibits involving tennis racquets,

but this suicide thing....I guess

it's all on Pauline's wavelength.

We're just going to write off today,

and Friday she can do her little

little love-in or whatever. Whatever.

EXT. STUDENT PARKING LOT--MORNING

VERONICA's car is the lone vehicle in the student parking lot.

Slowly other cars begin to filter in, including a rumbling heap-

ful of Heavy Metalers.

INT. THE SAWYER CAR--MORNING

The Heavy Metaler Heap's obnoxious muffler causes a sleeping

VERONICA's eyes to snap open in bug-eyed sweat. Mentally

wounded, she climbs into the front seat, pulling on her

blazer. She presses in the car cigarette lighter. J.D.

rumbles from the back as more cars begin to fill the lot.

VERONICA:

We killed them, didn't we?

J.D.

Of course.

VERONICA tugs out the car lighter and savagely brands the palm

of her hand. J.D. hurdles into the front seat and bats the

lighter away. He lights a cigarette off the scorched flesh of

VERONICA's hand as she wails away.

VERONICA:

Ich Luge bullets! I'm an idiot!

J.D. drags on his cigarette. School buses are pulling in

outside of the parking lot, in front of the school.

J.D.

You believed it because you wanted

to believe it. Your true feelings were

too gross and icky for you to face.

VERONICA:

I did not want them dead.

J.D.

Did too.

VERONICA:

Did not.

J.D.

Did too.

VERONICA:

Did not.

J.D. launches into a rapid-fire rendition of "did-too's".

VERONICA responds by holding her hands over her ears and

singing "Mary had a Little Lamb." J.D.'s "Did-too's" get

louder causing VERONICA to bang on the horn.

EXT. PARKING LOT--DAY

HEATHER DUKE and a vegged out HEATHER MCNAMARA stop sauntering

through the parking lot to contemplate Veronica's hiccuping

car and its sparring occupants.

HEATHER DUKE:

Ah, young love.

COURTNEY bounds up to the Heathers.

SQUEELING GIRL #1

Did you hear? School's cancelled today

because Kurt and Ram killed themselves in

a repressed homosexual suicide pact.

HEATHER DUKE:

(incredulous, but amused)

No way!

INT. THE SAWYER CAR--DAY

J.D. pulls VERONICA off the horn and warmly places an unlit

cigarette in her mouth. As he speaks, VERONICA wearily takes

the cigarette from her mouth and puts it in her blazer pocket.

J.D.

Football season's over, Veronica. Kurt

and Ram had nothing to offer the school

but date-rapes and A.I.D.S. jokes.

VERONICA:

(looking to her burnt hand)

Sure. Can we make an ice run

before the funeral?

STUDENTS head back to their cars and the Buses pull back out.

INT. CHURCH--DAY

A typically John Waynesque Jock's Father-type, MR. KELLY,

stands over his son's open coffin. KURT wears a black football

helmet. FATHER RIPPER watches on with various ADULTS,

STUDENTS.

MR. KELLY

If there's any way you can hear me,

Kurt buddy, I don't care that you

really were some pansy. You're my

flesh-and-blood. You made me proud.

I love my homosexual son. My son's

gay and I love him!

In dark sunglasses, VERONICA wearily leans over to J.D.

VERONICA:

Your son's dead and you love him.

J.D.

How do you think Mr. Kelly would

react to a son with a limp wrist

with a pulse?

They quietly laugh. VERONICA sees a LITTLE GIRL staring at

her. She is wearing Kurt's football jersey and her face is

soaked in tears. VERONICA's smile turns into a nauseated

grimace.

INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM FLOOR--NIGHT

VERONICA lies next to a Vodka bottle, drinking out of a Dixie

cup. She turns off her blaring radio to speak on the phone.

D.J. (radio)

As you know, the Sherwood Teen Suicide

tote is up to three. Here's one for Kurt

and Ram, BigFun with Teenage Suicide,

Don't Do It....

VERONICA:

Hello J.D.? No, it's okay, I just kind

of wanted to talk...Oh, a newsmagazine

show on Channel 16. Really? On the

suicides. No, sounds great. Bye.

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