Heathers Page #5

JASON:

Greetings and salutations. Call me

J.D. Are you a Heather?

VERONICA:

No, a Veronica. Sawyer. This may

seem like a stupid question....

J.D.

There are no stupid questions.

VERONICA:

If you inherit five million dollars

the same day aliens tell the earth

they're blowing us up in two days,

what would you do?

J.D.

(suavely)

That's the stupidest question I've

ever heard.

JOCKS' TABLE

The JOCKS witness VERONICA and J.D.

RAM:

Who does that new kid think he is

with that coat? Bo Diddley?

KURT:

Veronica is into his act. No doubt.

RAM:

Let's kick his ass.

KURT:

Sh*t, we're seniors, Ram. Too old

for that crap. Let's give him a

scare though.

J.D.'S TABLE

An intrigued J.D. laconically answers the question.

J.D.

Probably just row on out to the

middle of a lake. Bring along my

sax, some tequila, and some Bach.

VERONICA:

How very.

HEATHER CHANDLER breaks VERONICA's daze of admiration.

HEATHER CHANDLER

Come on.

VERONICA (to J.D.)

Later.

J.D.

Definitely.

KURT and RAM move into the exiting VERONICA's place.

RAM sticks his finger through a piece of pie on J.D.'s plate.

RAM:

You going to eat this?

KURT:

What did your boyfriend say when

you told him you were moving to

Sherwood, Ohio?

RAM:

Answer him dick!

KURT:

Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria

have a No Fags Allowed Rule?

J.D.

It seems to have an open door policy

for a**holes though, doesn't it?

KURT:

What did you say dickweed?

J.D.

I'll repeat myself.

J.D. gracefully stands, reaches into his coat, and pulls out a

.357 Magnum. He fires twice at the viewer.

EXT. THE SAWYER BACKYARD--DAY

Croquet wickets have been set up in standard form. VERONICA

and the HEATHERS stand at various positions in the yard

holding different colored mallets next to matching balls.

HEATHER CHANDLER knocks her ball through the middle wicket.

HEATHER MCNAMARA

God, they won't expell him. They'll

just suspend him for a week or something.

HEATHER CHANDLER

He used a real gun. They should

throw his ass in jail.

VERONICA:

No way. He used blanks. All J.D.

really did was ruin two pairs of

pants...Maybe not even that...

(giggling)

Can you bleach out urine stains?

HEATHER CHANDLER knocks her red ball into HEATHER DUKE'S green

one.

HEATHER CHANDLER

J.D.? You seem pretty amused. I thought

you were giving up on high school guys.

VERONICA:

Never say never.

HEATHER DUKE:

What are you going to do, Heather?

Take the two shots or send me out?

The Girls look to the doelike HEATHER DUKE with incredulous

faces.

HEATHER CHANDLER

Did you have a brain tumor for

breakfast? First you ask if you can

be red, knowing that I'm always red...

HEATHER CHANDLER places her foot on her red ball. She swings

her mallet down hard on the red ball sending the adjacent

green one rocketing into a flower bed.

HEATHER DUKE:

Sh*t.

HEATHER CHANDLER's next shot falls short of the next wicket.

HEATHER CHANDLER

(to HEATHER DUKE)

Damn. It's your turn Heather.

HEATHER DUKE:

No, it's Heather's turn.

HEATHER MCNAMARA hits her ball through a wicket and squeals.

HEATHER CHANDLER

Anyway, I can say never to high

school. I've got David.

HEATHER MCNAMARA

King David.

HEATHER CHANDLER

Maybe when you hit maturity you'll

understand the diff between a Remington

University man like David and a

Westerburg boy like Ram "Wham-bam-

thank-you-maam" Sweeney.

HEATHER MCNAMARA misses her next shot.

HEATHER MCNAMARA

Ram's sweet. Yo Heather, you're up.

HEATHER DUKE tries to navigate a shot from the flower bed.

HEATHER MCNAMARA

No way, no day!

VERONICA:

Give it up girl!

As her friends howl, HEATHER DUKE slams her ball out of the

flower bed. The ball bounces off a tree and amazingly goes

through a wicket. HEATHER DUKE squeals in delight.

VERONICA HEATHER MCNAMARA

Holy sh*t! God, that was unbelievable!

HEATHER CHANDLER

What. A. Shot.

HEATHER DUKE's next shot falls short of the next wicket.

VERONICA begins setting up her shot.

HEATHER MCNAMARA

So tonight's the night. Are you

two excited?

HEATHER CHANDLER

I'm giving Veronica her shot. Her

first Remington Party. Blow it tonight

girl and it's keggers with kids all

next year.

VERONICA:

(missing her shot)

Crap. So who's this Brad guy I've

been set up with? Witty and urbane

pre-lawyer or albino accountant?

HEATHER CHANDLER

Don't worry. David says he's very

so he's very.

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