Heathers Page #4

INT. CAFETERIA--BETTY FINN'S TABLE--DAY

BETTY FINN daintily peeps up.

BETTY FINN:

I think we should use the money

for an End-of-the-world get-together.

We could invite guys.

JOCKS' TABLE

RAM sputters out some chicken to bellow.

RAM:

I'd pay Madonna one million dollars

to ride my face like the Kentucky

Derby. She should be paying me, though.

INT. STONERS' HALLWAY--DAY

A FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET starts to speak, then stops...

FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET

What?

INT. CAFETERIA--THE FOODLESS FUND STAND--DAY

PETER DAWSON lashes out.

PETER DAWSON:

This is important. With taxes, I'd

be only getting 3.5 million and....

EXT. PARKING LOT--DAY

Heavy Metaler CLYDE turns from his friend MATT.

CLYDE:

If you want a good way to go out

before the aliens land, get a lion

from the zoo. Put a remote control

bomb up its butt. When the lion starts

tearing you up, press the bomb button.

You and the lion die like as one.

Two Heavy Metal lovers, JACKIE and STEVE, intertwined against

the windshield blankly respond.

JACKIE AND STEVE

Cool.

INT. CAFETERIA THOROUGHFARE--DAY

VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER continue their conversation

chugging through another busy cafeteria lane.

HEATHER CHANDLER

Just imagine somebody like your

quasi-fat, goody-good friend Betty

Finn doing a Crest commercial. No

one would buy Crest.

VERONICA:

Don't tell me. Crest would be

stained with loserness.

HEATHER CHANDLER

Yeah, and who wants that on their teeth?

HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE burst back between them.

HEATHER MCNAMARA

Oh God, here we go...

POV ON MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK

MARTHA, with awkward apprehension, stumbles toward KURT and

the JOCKS. VERONICA and the HEATHERS stop breathing.

MARTHA mumbles something unintelligible from where the girls

stand. KURT'S head detonates with a terrifying cackle. MARTHA

flees the cafeteria in horror. VERONICA spins away from her

mirthful friends in disgust and makes eye contact with the

similarly disturbed JAMES DEANESQUE GUY.

VERONICA lurches away. She brakes against the Foodless Fund

stand where PETER DAWSON is hollering away.

PETER:

A dime increases the time! A buck

brings good luck! Hi Veronica. A

five keeps the neighborhood alive!

A ten and you die without sen!

HEATHER CHANDLER wings a twenty dollar bill into the cashbox.

HEATHER CHANDLER

(to Veronica)

You wanted to become a member of

the most powerful clique in the

school. If I wasn't already the

head of it, I'd want the same thing.

VERONICA:

I'm sorry? What are you oozing about?

HEATHER CHANDLER

That episode with the note back there

was for all of us to enjoy, but you

seem determined to ruin my day.

VERONICA:

(slapping her knee)

We made a girl want to consider

suicide. What a scream. What a jest.

HEATHER CHANDLER

Come on you jerk. You know you used

to have a sense of humor.

INT. GIRLS BATHROOM--DAY

Combing their hair in the bathroom mirror, the HEATHERS speak

in comically whining-and-pathetic imitations of Martha

Dumptruck as VERONICA shakes her head with a half-smile.

HEATHER CHANDLER

Ku-urt, let's pa-arty.

HEATHER MCNAMARA

Ku-urt, I ne-ed an orgasm.

HEATHER DUKE's gentle off-screen voice slices in.

HEATHER DUKE (O.S.)

Veronica, could you come back here?

HEATHER CHANDLER AND HEATHER MCNAMARA

Gross!

VERONICA:

A true friend's work is never done.

VERONICA reveals her right index finger is cut noticeably

short, then walks over to the stalls.

HEATHER CHANDLER

Grow up, Heather. Bulimia's so '86.

HEATHER MCNAMARA

Color me nauseous.

THE STALL:

VERONICA stands in a tight stall with an ashamed HEATHER DUKE.

VERONICA:

Maybe you should see a doctor.

HEATHER DUKE:

Yeah, maybe.

HEATHER CHANDLER (O.S.)

Come on Heather. We want another

look at today's lunch.

VERONICA:

Geez, don't listen to them.

HEATHER MCNAMARA (O.S.)

Did she have the pie or the ice

cream for dessert?

(like a game show host)

And the answer is.

HEATHER DUKE holds up her copy of The Catcher in the Rye and

makes a bizarrely defiant smile.

HEATHER DUKE:

Yeah, you know Holden Caulfield in

the Catcher in the Rye wouldn't put

up with their bogus nonsense.

VERONICA:

Well, you better move Holden out

of the way or he's going to get spewed.

HEATHER DUKE puts down her book and opens her mouth. VERONICA

sticks her finger in.

CAFETERIA ENTRANCE

A gnarly melange of chicken and potatoes is scraped off a

plate into a cafeteria trashcan as VERONICA and the HEATHERS

stroll by outside. VERONICA pauses to peer in at the JAMES

DEANESQUE GUY.

HEATHER MCNAMARA

God Veronica, drool much? His name's

Jason Dean. He's in my American History.

VERONICA:

Give me the clipboard.

As VERONICA walks off, HEATHER MCNAMARA oinks out some amusing

sexual noises.

CAFETERIA/JASON DEAN'S TABLE

VERONICA saunters to JASON DEAN.

VERONICA:

Hello Jason Dean.

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