Hell Baby Page #5

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- You're welcome, brother.

I think... I need to get a po' boy.

Are you game?

Oh, no, no, no. I shouldn't.

You know what? F*** it!

Mm! Mm. Wow.

- Wow.

- Mm-hm?

- Wow! - Mm!

Hot-diggity.

- Whoo!

- Mm-hm.

Wow!

There it is. Brrr!

- Mm-hm.

- Wow!

Ahhh!

Two more shrimp po' boys!

F***!

- Arggh!

- Arggh!

Arggh! Arggh!

Oh! Oh!

I AM SO SICK OF BEING STARTLED!

- Mrs Nussbaum? No, silly, it's me!

I hope there's some hot water left over

for ze little monsieur.

- Arggh!

- Oh, my God!

Marjorie!

Why is my wife's sister in my shower?

I got to set some ground rules

around here, starting right now.

I said it was me. Jeez.

Wait, the little monsieur? Really?

No! You have to know the context.

Wait a minute.

I didn't know you

were circumcised, Jack.

Really? We never covered

that at Thanksgiving?

It's genital mutilation, you know.

Slicing off the tops

of boys' d*cks because

a couple-of-thousand-year-old

book

about a medicine man

named Moses says to do it?

- That's religion for you.

- Ha!

OK. Well, um... Let's

talk about something else.

When did you leave the reservation?

You have a pretty nice dick, Jack.

Thank you?

You know I don't believe in marriage,

which is basically

institutionalised slavery

and the subjugation of women.

I've never heard you say that before.

Just because you're married to my

sister doesn't mean you own her.

So, what were we talking

about before the dick thing?

Uh, yeah. When did you

leave the reservation?

Last week I moved to a

cooperative farm in Baton Rouge.

- Yuck.

- It's pretty cool. Here.

Help a sister out and

get my back, will you?

- I...

- Thank you.

- Oh, that smells awful.

- It does not.

It's all-natural organic

quinoa flax lotion

with kelp and octopus placenta.

- Octopus placenta.

- Oh, such strong hands!

My sister's got such good taste.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a f***ing idiot with guys.

- Really?

- Mm-hm.

Curly Bear left me.

He embarrassed me in

front of the whole tribe.

I doubt it.

He stole my Subaru Outback,

credit cards and banjo.

And my MacBook Pro.

- I bet you called the cops.

- No, of course not.

If anything, I should

be thanking Curly Bear.

You know, I was so

wrapped up in material BS

that I was missing the moment.

Yeah, I know that banjo was

totally holding you back.

Yeah.

- Spin. I'll do you now.

- No.

Trust me this stuff is like your

skin never breathed before,

like it's been suffocating until today.

Skin doesn't breathe.

You ever heard that?

- It's impossible.

- Sure, Jack.

Ohhh.

It's not sexual, Jack. It's just people.

Awesome! Well, thank you

for the octopus placenta.

- You're welcome.

- And that conversation.

And I am gonna go anywhere else,

because I've got a ton to do,

and this is wildly inappropriate.

- You have an erection, Jack.

- Yeah. I get 'em.

It's nothing to be embarrassed

by. It's totally natural.

If anything, I think

it should be celebrated.

That's what a maypole

symbolises, of course.

Of course.

- Hey!

- Oh! Wow!

It's like Grand Central Station in here!

- Hi!

- You must be Marjorie.

Nice to meet you. I am F'resnel.

I'm very sorry to hear about Curly Bear.

Pfff!

Thank you.

Ai-baba!

We call on you, Ogou Fe.

We thank you for cleaning

this house of evil.

We thank Jack for opening

his doors and his heart.

We thank F'resnel for bearing

witness to the ceremony.

We thank this guy for...

I'm just here to install

the cable internet.

Sorry, the circles

aren't even established,

so if you'll bear with us a few minutes.

Cool.

So sorry you got roped into this.

Wait. Where's my sister?

She's lying down.

She's not feeling well.

You should have insisted!

I did. And she did this.

- Goddamn! Goddamn!

- Oh, dear.

That could get infected. You

might want some Bactine...

Thank you! I put some

f***ing Bactine on it!

- Whoa, Jack.

- I'm sorry.

It's just that this house has

had a strange effect on my wife,

and I think she might

be possessed by a demon,

so I'm a little stressed out.

This is an evil house,

so we're doin' this

little gris-gris ceremony.

And not a day too soon neither.

It's actually a Haitian ceremony.

It cleans the space of bad spirits.

Cool! Very cool.

Again, just here for the cable internet.

- Is there marijuana in

there? - Uh-huh, yeah.

Is that what usually goes in there?

No, it's usually just tobacco,

but tobacco is so bad for you.

Is it just me, y'all, or is this some...

...very, very...

...very strong marijuana?

- We grow it on the reservation.

- Do you, now?

- Yeah.

- Good for you, baby.

My hands are like the Hulk.

You know the Incredible Hulk?

They're, like, regular-size?

They feel like Hulk hands.

Oh!

Like I could just punch

a crater into the ground.

I think I should go to the hospital.

I also have to go to the

hospital. The other me.

He has to go to the hospital.

I can get down there to him.

Shh. Just ride it out.

It's like surfing a wave.

It seems too big at first,

and then soon, you're

coasting into the beach

and the view is fantastic.

You guys, it's so beautiful!

It's not a different me.

It's me from a different time!

Ohhhh!

Ee pacho! Ee home! Be clean!

And now this place is clean.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- It's an earthquake!

- Go to the doorway!

That is a myth! Get next to

a large piece of furniture!

Run outside!

Well, that is incredibly odd.

Whoa! The earthquake is

only inside the house!

Everybody out!

Goddammit! What...?

Hey!

You guys bought the

'House of Blood', huh?

Yeah.

Mind if I ask what you got it for?

Oh.

- Hi!

- Hi!

- Hi. Hi.

- What's happen...

- Hi.

- Hi.

There's an earthquake,

but it's only inside.

It's not outside.

I say we just go and wait it out.

I'm probably just gonna go,

if that's OK with you guys.

- Yeah, OK.

- Could you sign this?

Saying you're satisfied with my

installation of cable internet?

- OK.

- Just initial that.

- Great.

- Alright. Great.

Are you sure you're OK to drive?

Well, I am very, very

high, so... let's find out.

OK.

We have to get out

of this house tonight.

This is like in the movies

when insane sh*t happens

and they still don't leave.

No. Do not be rash.

You always do this. This is our home.

Something obviously

thinks that it's its home.

It's trying to scare the sh*t out of us!

You're screaming at

me and I like it here!

- Well, I don't like it here!

- Hey, everybody, calm down.

Listen, you lovebirds.

Don't fight right now, OK?

We'll talk this all over

over one of F'resnel's

famous pizza salads!

Ha-ha! Alright.

Mm!

Uh-huh. What did I tell you?

When you said "pizza salad"...

...I was kind of sceptical, F'resnel.

I thought you were gonna throw

pizza slices in a bowl of salad.

That's very much what I

did do. Precisely, in fact.

That's why we call it pizza

salad. Know what I'm sayin'?

You just take a Domino's pizza,

you toss it in a bowl with

some salad, also from Domino's.

Well, I think this is a

perfect time to bring up

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