Hell Baby Page #6

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some of the weird stuff that's

been going on in the house.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

Namely Marjorie's 'smudge' ceremony.

Think it may have awoken

something really big.

- Thank you!

- Not a c...

Or 'someone' could have hit our gas

line while digging in the backyard.

- That could also explain it.

- Actually...

I don't think that explains it, Vanessa.

There is nothing wrong with this house.

OK.

Old houses settle.

That was... way beyond settling!

Way beyond settling!

I know carpentry. That was

not settling, Bob Vila! OK?

That was a three-minute-long

massive shock wave

that would register at 6

or 7 on a Richter scale.

You are packing your kimono and

we are going to a motel tonight!

- Are you Jack Watson?

- Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, we met here two days ago.

- Right here.

- Oh. Did we, Mozart?

Did we meet two days ago?

Don't be a dick... Renzo

Piano, the famous architect.

- Your fat wife around?

- My wife's pregnant with twins.

Yeah right!

- Heard that before.

- Where's she at?

In the kitchen eating pizza

salad with my sister-in-law

and my black friend

and neighbour, F'resnel.

You don't have to be that

specific with us, sir!

Mind if we ask her a couple questions?

Could I say no?

Yeah, but then we come

back with a warrant

and you better be

lawyered up, Gregory Hines.

The dancer guy?

- I don't know why I said that.

- I don't either.

Folks, we need you to

look at some photographs,

but I will warn you, they

are a little bit graphic.

- Oh, God.

- um

Oh, heavens. I apologise.

Yeah, they're graphic.

Jack? Honey...

Oh, no. I'm not gonna

puke. I mean... Not a puker.

Oh, God, F'resnel.

It's OK.

Very natural.

- Oh, God.

- They're very gruesome.

Very gruesome pictures.

It's OK.

Oh, God!

- OK.

- OK.

Perhaps we could

continue this conversation

in the living room, which

has less vomit in it.

Mm-hm.

This is Dr Michael Marshall.

Or, at least, it was.

- 'Cause he's dead! Oh, my God!

His records indicate

that you were the last

person to see him, Ms Watson.

He wrote down when he died?

That's pretty weird, isn't it?

"That's pretty weird, isn't it?"

F*** you.

Hers was the last

appointment on his books.

Now, we're not saying that

you did anything, obviously.

We just want to know

if you saw anything,

heard anything... unusual

- that's all.

No, I...

God...

I can't believe this

kind of thing can happen

in this day and age.

Hey.

What's with the blood on your shirt?

- Oh.

- Yeah, gosh.

I should have taken care of this.

I scratched myself earlier, and, um...

What'd you scratch

yourself on? A grizzly bear?

The question remains.

Did you... see anything... unusual?

I told you, no.

Neither of you saw anything

out of the ordinary?

That's good. Alright, thank you, guys.

Thank you very much for your time.

- No further questions from us.

- We appreciate your patience.

We will be in touch.

Have a good day.

Well, they're hidin' something.

While you were talking, we

did a full sweep of the house.

We searched the place, and we feel

there is something very

unholy about this house.

- Si.

- I can tell you this.

That fat girl, she doesn't know a thing.

The woman, does she look

anything... like this?

Whoa! Yeah.

Great skates!

She looks a lot like that.

We take these pictures in

the house three minutes ago.

What the sh*t?

You took these in the

house three minutes ago?

How'd you print 'em out so quick?

Holy cow! That's a small printer.

Tiny printer, right?

It's not about the size,

it's about the quality!

I'm impressed!

Printer technology move forward

these days, leaps and bounds.

It's adorable.

This is the same tiny printer that

is endorsed by Ashton Kookener.

Ashton Kushner, he say,

"Only one printer I use... "

- That one!

- Well, he's cool.

And if he's usin' it, by de

facto, I'm kind of cool, right?

I like all of the movies

where Ashton Kushner

get married by accident

then wake up and, "Oh!"

And the judge goes, "I

sentence you to marriage. "

- "You can't do this!"

- I love this.

- "You cannot do this!"

- 'Cause marriage is a sentence.

What were we saying?

With the hell hound,

with the crucifixion

in the doctor's office,

we feel it is very possible

we have demonic possession.

I don't know, guys.

They're actually super-sweet,

and the woman, I mean,

she's, like, meggo-preggo...

So I don't know.

She is preggo?

Jeepers.

How far along is she?

Well, guys, we're not doctors,

but she's pretty far along.

She's ready to drop.

Look, we'd love to help

you out, but, I mean,

just because you think

someone's possessed,

we have pictures of a ghost dog

and a gruesome crucifixion murder,

none of these things really connect.

If they did it, they'll slip up,

and when they do, we'll be here.

We got everything under control.

- Jeez!

- What the hell...

Oh! Oh, it's just a crow.

- It's just a crow.

- It's just a dead crow.

It's a harpy. See for yourself, huh?

- You guys get a lot of these?

- You'd be surprised.

Kinda, yeah.

What does it mean?

The harpy? It's a harbinger.

Of evil.

It is a message from hell.

Trust me, things are about

to get very, very bad.

Gee whiz. I am so sorry.

There was a bumblebee in the

car, and I just lost control...

Oh, f***. Oh, f***!

Well... what should we do now?

Now we wait.

Now... we wait.

- We need a doctor.

- No.

We need a priest.

Guys! Guys. Guys!

Yaaa!

Have no fear, sir.

Who are you guys?

We are... team four.

Why did you let them impale

me with that umbrella?

Do not listen to him!

He is the father of lies!

Ar

You guys got this? Everybody cool?

Oh, God! Here they come!

- This is some sh*t!

- Somebody help me!

The babies are coming!

Breathe, Vanessa!

Breathe, Vanessa, breathe!

It hurts so bad!

Remember what they taught us in class!

- I can see it! Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!

Ar

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- What is it?

- Oh!

It's a boy.

It's a perfect baby boy.

Congratulations.

- It's a miracle.

You ever seen a home birth

before? They're the best.

- Honey! Honey!

- Just one more to go!

You guys, something's wrong!

It hurts so bad, this one.

Something's wrong! It's...

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

It's biting me! Arggh!

- Focus. Focus.

- Alright.

Push! Push!

Arggh!

Holy f***ing sh*t!

Oh, faaaa...

Arggh!

No, Jack!

You must kill it, Jack, you must!

- He's my son!

- He's not your son!

He wants to rise and rule the

world for a thousand years!

Oh, sh*t!

Hey, guys.

- Shh!

Alright, y'all, I'm goin' in.

Hello, devil baby!

Ain't nobody out here

tryin' to hurt you.

Everything's gonna be

OK, little devil baby.

Arggh!

F***!

I stubbed my goddamn toe!

Oh, that smarts!

I did the same thing in there yesterday.

- Hey, everybody.

- What?

I'm comin' back with the baby!

OK, here we go.

OK. It's gonna be alright now.

Hush, little devil baby

Don't say a word Papa's gonna...

F*** this!

Ar

- You guys be careful!

- Whoa, sorry.

Oh, no!

Ar

- I got a shot! I got a shot!

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