Hello, Dolly! Page #5

- Money's no object with us. None at all.

- (Minnie coughs)

Oh, this is my assistant,

Miss Minnie Fay. Mr. Hackl. Mr. Tucker.

- Good afternoon, ma'am.

- Afternoon ma'am.

Excuse me, Mr. Tucker, did you say Yonkers?

Yes, ma'am, we're from Yonkers.

Well, are you?

Yes. And, forgive me for saying this,

but you should see Yonkers, Miss Molloy.

Well, perhaps you and your gentleman

friend here in New York might like to see it.

Some say it's the most

beautiful town in the world.

- That's what they say.

- So I've heard.

But I'm afraid I don't have

a gentleman friend here in New York.

You don't? Barnaby, she doesn't

have a gentleman friend.

Hey, that's too bad. You know, if you

should happen to have a Sunday free...

You're Catholic, aren't you? Don't let that

worry you. I'd be willing to change.

If you're free in the near future, I'd...

Well, we'd like to show you Yonkers

from top to bottom.

It's very historic.

As a matter of fact, I might

be there sooner than you think.

- This Sunday?

- I have a friend who lives in Yonkers.

- You do?

- Perhaps you know him.

I do?

It's always so foolish to ask

in cases like that, isn't it?

Why should you know him?

It's a Mr. Vandergelder.

Mr. Vandergelder? Oh!

- Horace Vandergelder?

- Of Vandergelder's Hay and Feed?

- Yes. Do you know him?

- (both) Oh, no! No!

No, no, no, no, no, no...

As a matter of fact, he's coming here

to see me this very afternoon.

- Coming here?

- This afternoon?

Cornelius! Cornelius, look!

(Barnaby) It's a wolf trap.

Look out!

- Begging your pardon.

- What are you doing?

- We'll explain later. Help us just this once.

- Come out of there this minute.

We're as innocent as can be, Miss Molloy.

Mr. Hackl, Mr. Tucker, I insist that

you both come out or I'll be forced to...

Mr. Vandergelder, how nice to see you.

- And Dolly Levi, what a surprise.

- Irene, my darling, how well you look.

- You must be in love.

- Afternoon, Miss Molloy.

What a pleasure to have you

in New York, Mr. Vandergelder.

Yes, Yonkers lies up there decimated today.

We thought we'd pay you a little visit, Irene.

Unless it's inconvenient?

Inconvenient? Whatever gave you that idea?

Mr. Vandergelder thought he saw two

customers in the shop. Two, uh, men?

Men? In a ladies' hat shop?

Come, let's go into my workroom.

I'm so eager for you to see it.

- I've already seen it twice.

- But I need your advice.

Advice from Mr. Vandergelder. The whole

city should hear this and grow rich.

Advice is cheap. It's what comes

gift-wrapped that counts.

- I have never heard it put more beautifully.

- Thank you, Mr. Vandergelder.

Chocolate-covered peanuts. Unshelled.

They're the expensive kind.

- Why don't we open them in the workroom?

- I've come here today

because I've important

business to discuss with you,

just as soon as Mrs. Levi says goodbye.

Pay no attention to me. I'm just browsing.

Business, Mr. Vandergelder?

The hay and feed business?

- Well, not exactly.

- A new hat shop in Yonkers?

I hear it's a very beautiful city

and quite historic, according...

Yes, go on. Who's been telling you

about Yonkers, may I ask?

Nobody. A friend.

What friend?

Well, you see, he...

- He?

- Yes, uh... he...

- H is name, Miss Molloy?

- What?

His name?

Oh, I believe it was... is...

Mr. Cornelius Hackl of Yonkers.

- Cornelius Hackl?

- Yes. Do you know him?

- He's my head clerk.

- He is?

He's been with me for ten years.

Where would you have known him?

Ah, just one of those chance meetings.

Yes, oh, yes, one of those chance meetings.

Chance meetings? Cornelius Hackl has

no right to chance meetings. Where was it?

Really, it's very unlike you

to question me in such a way.

Well, the truth might as well

come out now as later.

Your head clerk is

better known than you think.

Nonsense.

He's here all the time. He goes everywhere.

He's well-liked. Everybody

knows Cornelius Hackl.

He never comes here. He works all day and

then goes to sleep in the bran room at nine.

- So you think, but it's not true.

- Dolly Levi, you are mistaken.

Horace Vandergelder,

you keep your nose so deep in your

accounts you don't know what goes on.

By day, Cornelius Hackl

is your faithful, trusted clerk,

but by night... oh, by night...

He leads a double life, that is all.

Why, he is... why, he's...

why, he's here... at the opera.

At the great restaurants,

in all the fashionable homes.

He's even at the Harmonia Gardens

three times a week.

The fact is, Mr. Vandergelder, he is

the wittiest, the gayest, the naughtiest,

most delightful man in New York City.

He's the famous Cornelius Hackl.

It ain't the same man. If I thought Cornelius

Hackl came to New York, I'd discharge him.

Who took the horses out of Jenny Lind's

carriage and pulled her through the streets?

Who dressed up as a waiter and took

an oyster and dropped it right down...?

- It's too wicked. I can't say it.

- Say it!

- No, but it was Cornelius Hackl.

- Where'd he get the money?

- Oh, he's very rich.

- Rich? I keep his money in my old safe.

He has $145. 36

Oh, you are killing me.

He is one of the Hackls.

- The Hackls?

- Yes, they built the Raritan Canal.

- Then why work for me?

- Well, I'll tell ya.

I don't wanna hear it. I have

a headache. It ain't the same man.

He sleeps in my bran room.

I just made him my chief clerk.

If you had sense, you'd make him a partner.

Irene, I can see you're quite taken with him.

But I only met him once.

Now, don't you be thinking of marrying him.

- Darling, what are you saying?

- He breaks hearts like hickory nuts.

- (Horace) Who?

- Cornelius Hackl.

Miss Molloy, how long

has he been calling on you?

Mr. Vandergelder, suppose I were to tell you

that he has not been calling on me?

- Excuse me.

- Not now, Minnie.

- Aaagh!

- Stop singing.

- There's a man!

- That's not amusing.

And we don't wish to be interrupted.

Go back to the workroom

immediately. Immediately.

- The poor dear is tired from overwork.

- If there's a man in there, we'll get him out!

- Whoever you are, come out of there!

- Do you realise what you're saying?

- I certainly do.

- Now just a minute.

Before you make another move or say

another word that you might regret,

- allow me.

- Dolly.

Stand back.

There, you see? So much for this nonsense

about that darling girl hiding a man in there.

I think we'll just forget

you ever said it. It's forgotten.

- (Cornelius sneezes)

- Because there's nobody in there.

- Atchoo!

- God bless you.

Miss Molloy?

Yes, Mr. Vandergelder,

there is a man in there.

- I see.

- There also happens to be an explanation.

For the present, I think I should just thank

you for your visit and say good afternoon.

(Barnaby sneezes)

Atchoo!

- Another?

- Another.

Good Lord, the whole room is crawling

with men. Irene, darling, congratulations.

Miss Molloy, I shan't trouble you

again. And I hope vice versa.

Horace, where are you going?

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