Hello, My Name Is Frank Page #2

but I have to ask.

Are there any elementary schools

within a quarter of a mile?

Do... do you have a problem

with little kids?

No, I love children.

Dude, you know what

we're gonna do?

We're gonna strap

some skates to your ass

and we're gonna

fly you down the ramp.

Dude, everybody's

gonna love you.

- You gonna strape...

- strap.

- Strap?

- Yes.

- Skates to my ass?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- It's gonna be awesome.

- No.

- Awesome.

I make a pupusas, too.

Pupusas.

When can you start?

- Oh.

- ( Laughs )

Okay, yes, I guess.

Lastly, here is

our lovely kitchen.

- Oh.

- Hmm.

Frank doesn't cook,

so you'll have to do that.

And it's best

that you cook him things

that do not splat or squirt

or slurp.

Eh, excuse me,

splatter, eh, squirt?

With his ticks

it's just a lot easier

to clean up,

so you can stick to stuff

like burgers, sandwiches,

that sort of thing.

- Yes, yes, that's okay.

- ( Sighs )

- Okay, great, great.

- ( Sighs )

Lemme give you my number

and if anything comes up,

- you can...

- ( Grunts )

Frank.

Frank, what the hell

are you doing?

What's it look like I'm doin'?

Ah.

- Oh, b*tch, hah.

- Okay, lemme...

Let me show you

to your room over here.

I think you'll really like it.

Come on.

( Snoring softly )

( Dramatic score )

( Snoring continues )

( Floor boards creak )

( Thump )

- ( Yelling )

- ( Screaming )

I see you!

Rapist! Rapist!

Rapist!

( Barking )

( Yelling in Spanish )

What?

I guess you forgot

to tell her I sleepwalk.

With a, with a baseball bat?

( Exhales )

- Hi.

- Hi.

I don't suppose you have

hypoallergenic bedding, do you?

- ( Laughs ) - Frank:

Shut the f*** up, b*tch.

Oh, god!

Oh, my god.

- ( Cheering )

- ( Graduation theme playing )

Man:

Kimberly Barbara Smith.

- ( Music continues )

- ( Cheering continues )

Alisa Edith Kumato.

( Cheers, applause )

- Man:
Laura Kelly Pareesi.

- Oh, f***!

( Cheering continues )

- Ugh!

- Man:
I'd like to congratulate

- our graduating class...

- I missed it.

Oh, Laura.

( Grunting )

( Band playing )

- Laura.

- ( Laughs )

I missed it.

I dropped

the f***ing binoculars.

Well, I graduated.

Thank you for coming.

Male sportscaster:

The Red Sox beat the tigers

6-5 in 10 innings.

( Sportscaster continues )

The final score

was 1-0.

Here are the games

still in progress.

Twins and mariners

are at the top

of the seventh...

- What're you wearing?

- Clothes.

Rick said

a gluten-free potluck.

But you have

the graduation party tonight.

Ah, that f***er!

What am I paying him for?

I don't care about the party.

I just wanna chill before I go

on our trip tomorrow.

Laura, you're going

to that party.

I can be alone for one night.

Really?

Laura.

It's your graduation party.

Go party.

Live a little.

Loser b*tch!

Ah, ah.

Yeah, look who's talking.

You gonna call your friends

or am I?

( Music playing )

Chug, chug, chug, chug...

( Mixed chatter )

Promise me

we don't stay out too late.

I mean, we got to get up

and go early in the morning.

- I promise.

- Okay.

Mm, party.

- Oh.

- Oh.

- Look at the happy couple.

- Mm-hmm.

- Shall we?

- Mm.

Oh, my god.

I didn't think you were coming.

- Frank made me.

- Well, grab a drink, ladies.

- It's time to celebrate.

- I've got my punch, thanks.

Mm, no.

- Hey.

- This is better.

- ( Laughing )

- What is this?

Who gives a f***?

- Here you go.

- Thank you.

- Hand it over.

- What?

- I'm not that bad.

- ( Laughs ) Right.

May we remind you

of the watermelon cooler night?

- Mm-hmm.

- Let's go.

- Let's go.

- That never happened.

Thank you.

A toast...

To no more fifth period,

no more curfews,

no more uniforms,

and tomorrow we hit the road.

Cheers.

It's only one shot,

so I don't want to see a drop.

- Mm.

- Race you.

- Mm!

- I gotta pee.

- Oh, jeez.

- ( Coughing )

- Wow, okay.

- Oh, yeah.

So, I'm surprised

frank convinced you to come.

- How did he do it?

- Um...

By being super annoying.

He's been acting really strange

since mom died.

How're you doing?

She was sick for nine months,

at least she's not

suffering anymore.

I'm fine.

Seriously,

I'm... I'm totally fine.

Those last couple weeks

I just...

I could not see her

like that anymore.

But I just...

You know, I worry about frank.

I mean, I'm all he's got.

Well, he's a grown man, Laura.

He'll deal.

Yeah.

I just don't know

what he's thinking anymore.

You know?

Well, his caretaker is gone.

- You're leaving for college...

- Mm-hmm.

And he has to adjust

to living with some

- stranger in his home.

- Oh!

I mean, he's probably

just at the end of his rope.

Ah, b*tch!

( Barks )

Wait.

What did you say?

You know, he's probably

just at the end of his rope.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Where are you going?

Laura?

( Music playing )

- ( Yells out )

- ( Woman screaming )

What?

- Ah.

- Come on.

- You sleepwalk now, too?

- ( Gasps )

What?

Late night?

Guess I'll get breakfast.

Why were you giving away

your bat, frank?

I... I told you already.

My mom took care of you

my whole life,

and now suddenly you don't need

a new caretaker?

- Why?

- ( Doorbell rings )

I told you.

Ray...

Where's frank?

He sent me this cryptic email

last night.

- Where is he?

- I wouldn't call it cryptic.

What does it say?

"Urgent.

Please clean everything up

before Laura comes home."

Oh, oh, I... I meant

to send that

to my housekeeper.

Housekeeper?

I'm your housekeeper.

So, I hired a new housekeeper.

No, you didn't!

Where's the rope, frank?

What rope?

I did hire a housekeeper.

You're leaving.

- What would you know?

- ( Doorbell rings )

Don't you bother

answering the door, frank.

- I'm not going anywhere.

- Shut up, b*tch!

Oh, hi frank, is Laura ready?

- No.

- Yes.

I'm not going.

I gotta stay with frank.

What do you gotta stay here for?

I got ray and... and the gay

to take care of me.

You know why.

God, why did you

take the rope, frank?

Stupid, lying whore, f***ing...

Mm-mmm.

The zipper on your suitcase

is broken.

You told me, right?

Look at it.

So, I put slipknots

in the rope so I could...

Eventually I'll tie that thing

together so it'll stick together

and you could take it.

Satisfied? B*tch!

I'm sorry, frank.

I'm sorry,

but I can't stay around

- all of this negative energy.

- What? What?

No, no, no, no.

Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick.

No, you can't go.

I'm supposed to leave

this morning.

- So, you are coming?

- No, forget it. Nope.

Rick, Rick,

no, we'll pay you double.

- My trip's only a few days.

- Nope, no thank you.

We'll pay you a months' salary

just to stay till I get back.

- Give me my stuff.

- Come on!

- ( Grunts )

- Rick!

Donald trump

couldn't pay me enough

to take care of that lunatic!

That's it.

I can't go.

I can't...

You have to.

I can't be trapped alone

in a car for two days

with Hannah Montana over there.

She'll have me Kumbayaing

before we're even out

of the driveway.

( Sighs )

I can help, of course,

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