Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo Page #3

over dinner tonight.

Maybe not.

I don't know, Herbie.

12 years is a long time.

Hope we can handle it.

Hope I can handle it.

- Well, all taken care of,Jim.

- Yeah?

Had a little talk with Herbie.

Had to straighten him out.

I don't mind havin'

a car that's got a heart...

but I will not tolerate a car

falling in love with another car.

What did you expect him to fall

in love with, the Goodyear blimp?

The Goodyear-

Yeah. [ Laughing ]

Anyway, I said, "Listen Herbie,

we're here for one thing only.

'And that's to make the biggest

comeback in racing history.

"So, no women in training camp.

Just forget that little chick.

And you can do it.

Just a matter of mind over metal. "

[ Knock At Door ]

- You expecting company?

- No.

Detective Fontenoy here. And this

is the famous Inspector Bouchet.

I'm Jim Douglas and this is

my partner Wheely Applegate.

Look, if there's a problem about our car

cruisin' on the Bateaux-Mouche-

Bateaux-Mouche?

Eh, no, no.

It's about the six million dollar

diamond stolen this morning.

- Perhaps the most beautiful diamond in all the world.

- Fontenoy.

No?

We are questioning everyone

who was in the area at the time.

Perhaps you can help us.

Pushing the car

won't help me get the cap off.

- Must've rolled.

- Well, pull the hand brake on.

Door's locked.

The window!

Put your hand through the window!

- [ Knuckles Cracking ]

- Ooh!

Aah.

[ Panting ]

Let me get at it!

[ Growling ]

I'm gonna hot-wire this car.

We'll get the diamond at the garage.

Right.

[ Grunting ]

Well, I'm not waiting.

Car, it's either you... or me!

Oof.

[ Coughing ]

I suppose you're going to tell me that

car started up and drove away by itself.

No, and I'm not going

to tell Double X that either.

[ Engines Revving ]

What's happening?

There's seven cars ahead of us and we're

in last place. That's what's happening!

- Darcy.

- Oui. Qualifying today?

I hope so.

[ Herbie Sputtering ]

New Herbie? He's not even an old Herbie.

He's not any Herbie at all!

My whole lecture must've

fallen on a deaf carburetor.

He doesn't need a lecture.

He needs an old-age pension.

You listen to me, Herbie,

and you listen good.

You and I didn't come out of moth balls

to be the laughingstock of the continent.

Either get the lead out

of your pants right now...

or I'm going to ship you back to the States,

have you stuffed and hung on a wall...

in retirement village!

[ Sputtering,

Knocking ]

Oooh! Now you're talking.

We got the old Herbie back!

The old Herbie

and the new Herbie, rolled into one!

I'm telling you, it's the old Herbie,

and he's doing it for us!

He's not doing it for us.

He's doing it for her.

Okay, so he did it for her.

[ Muttering Excitedly ]

I never saw

anything like that.

[ Crowd Cheering ]

- Congratulations, you did it!

- Thank you, thank you!

- Somebody did it.

- Who cares, Wheely? It's hello, comeback.

In record time for this track.

You shattered Von Stickle's mark.

Congratulations, Douglas. You havejust

won the right to taste my dust tomorrow.

And mine, Douglas.

Today,you break

my record.

Tomorrow, I will turn your "hello,

comeback" into "goodbye forever. "

Auf wiedersehen.

- Couple of charm school dropouts.

- Yeah.

Well, one showboat

deserves another.

I'll go get him.

- [ Crowd Cheering ]

- Felicitations.!

- Absolutely amazing! - I knew

I had a good car under me, but-

- The exact same time as the Douglas car. A track record!

- What?

- Congratulations!

- Thank you.

Oh, thank you for staying off the track.

It's one way I can prove what I can do.

Well, it wasn't

exactly you.

You've got a real problem

about women in racing, Mr. Douglas.

What is it?

We drive too slow... or too fast?

Oh, I didn't mean that.

It's not you at all; it's your car.

- And my car.

- Excuse me, I don't want to hear about your car.

No, I have to tell you this. I know

it's gonna be hard to believe, but-

You see, Herbie's

not just a car.

I didn't believe it myself at first,

but the little guy has actually got a-

He's-

When a car like Herbie

comes to Paris...

he meets a beautiful Lancia,

that is also a car like Herbie...

with a, with a-

You know, it's natural

that they're gonna fall in-

You're right.

I wouldn't believe it either.

When the men come by

from the booby hatch...

go quietly.

- Just trying to warn you about your car.

- Let me warn you about me.

I'm in this race to win,

and frankly, I'd like to see...

you and your car

disappear entirely.

- Oh.

- [ Man On P.A. Speaking French ]

Quincey.

Pull over!

We want that car!

What are you

going to do?

I'm gonna pull over.

Hang on!

Ohh.

Darkness is about

to fall upon you.

[ Bleating ]

Amazing!

Whoa!

[ Whimpering ]

Hot, hot, hot!

You-

- They're still comin'!

- I think they are trying to kill us!

Mon Dieu.!

Mon Dieu.!

[ Sighs ] I never thought she'd go

that far to make us disappear.

- Who's that?

- That cute little time bomb, Diane.

She set us up to knock us

out of the race,just like she said.

Now, wait a minute.

She didn't say that.

Oh, of course not.

They never say what they mean.

That's what makes the female

of the species deadlier than the male.

You read that someplace.

Yes, and I've got a mother, three

sisters and two ex-wives to prove it.

They never told me they wanted me out, but

every time I came home, the lock was changed.

I don't take that kind of strong-arm

stuff from anybody, male or female!

Then somebody better teach

this female the rules of the game...

before the game is over.

If she doesn't know 'em now,

she will when I get through with her!

You might as well

settle back, Herbie.

OnceJim gets started,

nothin' can stop him.

Who hired thugs? I'm just as good

as anybody out there on that track!

- And I don't need anybody

to win my races for me! - We-

That is the trouble

with you, all of you!

You don't think

a woman can do anything!

Yeah, I know he seems

like a quiet sort of guy...

but when a fight is inevitable,

he never ducks.

Women are supposed to be nurses

and secretaries and school teachers!

I've taken that all my life.

I took it from my mother and my father!

And my aunts

and my uncles!

But I'm not going

to take it from you!

When old Jim gets started,

I'd hate to get in his way.

He's a regular steamroller.

- Whoa!

- Coward!

I'm a race driver

and I can win it on my own!

Oh!

You know,

I think you can.

Double X?

[ Nervous Chuckle ] Uh, yeah.

I'm afraid we-we-we've

had another complication.

[ Double X ] I'm beginning to think

you are the complication.

That-

That item should have been

in my hands by now!

Oh, don't worry, sir.

It's still in the gas tank.

Then bring me the gas tank!

What are you waiting for?

We've lost them again, sir.

We don't know where they are.

- Excuse me. I'm looking for Inspector Bouchet.

- Oui, monsieur.

Impossible! Are you trying to tell me

a couple of simpleminded Americans-

Ah-

[ Muttering ]

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