Highway Page #3

boots riding up.

One of these

b*tches quit...

and stole

all their shoes, man.

Damn shame, too,

I was hoping...

to get a stomping

tonight.

Julie.

You ever have a chick

walk on your balls?

Yeah.

Ever f*** a 14-year-old?

Sir?

Dude, I-

I forgot everyone's names.

Amateur.

OK. Go.

Cindy, Jackie, Snatchie,

Cunty, Assfuck, Blow Job.

Dude, pick a girl...

and stick your cock

in her, man.

Hey, let him take

his time, all right?

Whatever, dude.

Yeah, I'll take Lois.

Good choice.

Come on, Lois...

take him away, baby.

Unless you want

your a**hole...

felched with a crazy straw...

you're sh*t out of luck.

Do you get it? Sh*t.

So, how about you, pudding?

No, I'm just along

for the ride.

What? Why?

Bro, I don't pay for it.

What are you

talking about, dude?

That's the best part.

You can do

whatever you want...

to these girls, man.

You can bend them over...

f*** them in-

Mauzner!

What?

Just pick, OK?

All right.

Bye-bye, guy.

How was it?

Yeah?

Yeah, come to Daddy.

There you go.

Those pipes working?

Man, I'm hungry,

let's get something to eat.

So it was cool,

you know?

I told her about my troubles

and she was like...

'Sexual confusion's

a tricky thing.'

Sexual confusion?

I mean, easy on the sexual

confusion trip, baby.

Make me sound like

that guy in a raincoat...

with a fistful of Vaseline,

you know?

Sexual confusion.

You don't think I have

sexual confusion, do you?

So soft.

Hey!

I don't with Lucy, but...

remember that night

with Becky Meadows?

I was drunk,

but I boned her.

I think.

Bro, I boned Becky Meadows.

Whatever.

After the initial

pre-game jitters...

it was a sensation,

you know?

Please,

you've been rattling on...

about the Deep Purple

concerts...

for the last 3 hours.

Oh, come on...

I bought you

a cheeseburger.

I mean, you're homeless.

Your entire life's

in the trunk of my car.

You know what?

I don't think this

is such a good idea.

Sick f***!

F***ing b*tch!

Nobody touches me!

Nobody f***ing touches me!

Are you kidding me?

Are you f***ing

kidding me?

Are you? Huh?

Are you f***ing

kidding me?

She's just

a f***ing b*tch.

Get in your f***ing car.

Get in your f***ing car!

It's all right, it's OK.

Deep breaths.

F***ing c*nt!

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, what. You going

to beat me up, too?

I hate that word.

F***.

You OK?

Yeah.

Jesus,

don't tell me...

there was a time

in days past...

when you could

hitch a ride...

and the driver didn't

think...

he could put it

your f***ing pail.

Don't tell me there was

a time like that.

Yeah, sure.

My mom used to hitch

all the time.

She hates it in the pail.

Sh*t.

Let's bail, Jack.

Yeah, let's.

Jack. Come on, man.

Hey, we're, uh...

we're heading north.

If you'd, uh...

if you want to...

OK.

Thank you.

Then there were three.

What's your name?

Cassie.

As in Cassandra?

Yeah, as in Cassandra.

What's your name?

Pilot. This is Jack.

Yeah? Why Pilot?

I don't like

to talk about it.

His mother picked up...

an airline pilot

one night-

But Jack loves to.

At a bar near DFW.

That's Dallas-Fort Worth.

They f***ed,

the pilot left...

she got pregnant...

only she never caught the

pilot's name.

Mom's a peach.

She named you Pilot.

Exactly, Cassandra.

Wow.

Zowie.

What?

You did

a good thing.

Huh?

Most people when told the

story...

will inevitably say...

'Good thing he wasn't

a fisherman.'

'Good thing...

he wasn't a

proctologist.'

'Good thing he wasn't

an exterminator.'

OK, I see,

because if the guy...

had been

like a proctologist...

then Pilot's name

might be like, um...

Sphincter.

Exactly. Or Anus.

Or Hemorrhoid.

Or Dingleberry.

All right, all right.

Can we stop?

Ah, f***!

Did you ease off the

steroids snack time?

Where are they, Scawldy?

You guys still

working for Liberace?

He's dead, OK?

Scawldy, don't be a f***ing

douche bag, man.

Just tell us where

the little pricks are.

I don't know who

you're talking about.

Detroit.

What? Where?

I didn't hear you.

The f***ers

are in Detroit.

They went to Detroit.

Do you think

I'd give a sh*t?

Beat the f*** out

of them.

Just get out of my...

Steven, check it out.

Where you guys headed?

Uh, we're

thinking Seattle.

Thinking Seattle.

I love when this happens.

Detroit, huh?

Yeah, it's Pilot.

Yeah, I met you guys

at graduation.

Look, Mr. Carnes, I'm going

to be in the Seattle area...

and I was just wondering

if you had a number for Amy.

You don't.

Yeah, work address is fine.

I mean, the guy was

the original party poet.

How did he get

kicked out of West Point...

and write this sh*t?

'Gaily bedight,

a gallant knight...

'in sunshine

and in shadow.

'Fell as he found,

no spot of ground...

that looked like...'

Hold onto your spore,

Manler.

F*** off, Goodwin.

There were two

enormous cockroaches...

f***ing

in the parking lot.

Oh, you always take me...

to the nicest

joints, Jack.

Hello, hello.

Look at this trio.

The wise men.

Oh, my bad.

The two wise men

and one very lovely gown.

Here's 5 good ones.

What do you

say, Kemo Sabe?

There's 5 good ones.

And you are everything.

You're, oh...

I'm Jonathan Goodwin.

The kids call me

Johnny the Fox.

Hey, Johnny the Fox.

What was all that about?

Oh, that. That was just

about the world being...

a f***ing blender...

and me being

a wild strawberry.

Speaking of which...

you all look

a little torqued...

and I am the discoverer

of picker-uppers.

Could I interest you...

in something

from the bam family?

A little crystal

and such...

whatever your flavor is.

We're actually

looking to move some ourselves.

You got dance drugs?

Yeah.

Adjectivify.

Some recently

synthesized MDMA...

which has not

yet been tasted.

I know a place.

Yeah! Come on,

baby! Whoo!

Check it out, baby!

This is where

we taste it, right?

Pilot, do me a favor.

Let me do the talking.

These kids are f***ing

terrified of me.

Check it out! Whoo!

Johnny the Fox.

What's up?

Ready to surf

some warm waves, man?

How's that?

Because I am

Choo Choo Charlie.

And I got an 'E' train

pulling out of the station.

Get on board!

You giving samples?

That kind of greed

makes me think...

that you're already

stoned, Juicy boy.

Come on, b*tch.

Let's test the merch.

B*tch? We're out of here,

Pilot, good-bye.

Not so fast, trick.

What?

Hey, muffin,

what's your story?

Who the f*** are you?

You're a friend

of the Fox, huh?

Well, that ain't good.

I heard he went down,

and he's going deep cover.

Look, Juicy,

don't even play.

Is that true?

You 5-0, muffin?

'Cause if it's not...

you'd look real good...

curled on the floor...

around my feet...

purring.

Yo, Harris, what

the f*** is this?

What? You want me

to switch it into hype?

You know my bio.

You know about

my two tours in the Nam.

Haung Nguyen, Mekong Delta,

with a web-footed ape.

You know how easy it is for

me to go back to that place.

You were like 6 when

that sh*t was going down.

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