Hit by Lightning Page #2

what she looks like?

She didn't post a picture for

some reason.

Oh, that's a real puzzler.

It's 'cause she's a dude,

she's a dude Ricky or looks like a dude.

No...

Listen hoggy dog. There's only that

woman wouldn't post a picture?

'Cause, god bless her, she's

obviously hideous.

Look, there's a million reasons

she wouldn't put up a picture.

No, no... there's one, one...

she looks like "Shrek."

What if she does? Did you learn

anything from that movie?

It's what's inside that counts.

Yeah in fairy tales, you idiot,

not real life!

Her name is Danita. What a

beautiful name.

I've never heard that name

before.

"Danita..."

You sure it isn't Dan

Ita? Like that's her last Ita,

like Dan Ita

Can't you be happy for me?

Alright common You haven't even

met this person!

I am, tomorrow. I'm meeting her

at the Black Cat for drinks.

Look don't do this okay please

Ricky, don't do this.

I have to, Seth.

Danita is my destiny.

Okay...

might want to bring a condom for

Dan just in case.

Shut up.

What the hell is that in your

head?

What are you doing here?!

You know, in case this dude

tries to rob you.

Why are you wearing shoe polish

on your head?

Bald is beautiful bebe.

It's not shoe polish! And, and

bald is beautiful. Not balding.

True dat, true dat. Okay look,

I'll be here at the bar.

Now if she turns out, you see I

said she this time.

If she turns out to be a psycho,

just wave or cough or something like that,

I'll stroll by and I'll say that

uh...

your Mother died and you're

needed at the cemetery, k?

I'm going to go to the table,

please leave. Okay please...

Ricky... Ric, you're my primo

amigo, common.

Ricky you've never met this

woman before,

I just want to be here to make

sure everything goes okay.

Thanks, man.

Ricky, Ricky...

you didn't, you didn't say that

I'm you're primo am...,

I just, I just said that you're

my pri a...

Good luck, b*tch.

Ricky?

Ricky Miller?

How do you know my name?

I'm Danita... your date.

Holy sh*t!

Of, of course. Of course you're

my date.

Yeah.

Unless you were expecting

somebody else and

you're already cheating on me,

you bastard.

No, no, I would never do that.

Okay... Sorry I called you a

bastard.

It's okay...

You look a bit different than

your picture.

I mean, better.

You too. Much better, since you

didn't have one...

I, I... really look better than

my picture?

I knew it was a good idea to use

a picture of Steve Buscemi.

He's an off-beat looking actor...

He was in "Fargo" and he was

'Mr. Pink' in "Reservoir Dogs."

That was funny, Ricky.

Steve Buscemi...

So ummm, are you going to ask me

to sit down?

No, no, keep standing, this,

this seems to be working for me.

I can't believe one of your cats

is named Sidney Crosby.

I told you I loved hockey. Field

hockey and ice.

Am I dreaming this?

Cause then we'd both be dreaming

and

then it would be like the movie

"Inception" and

I walked out of that.

I, I hated that movie too!

Really?

Wow, I thought I was the only

one.

No, no, I hated it too.

Hated it.

God... you know everything

tonight has been so perfect.

Could you jab me in the eye with your

spoon or set my arm on fire? I, I just.

I just, want to make sure that

this is really happening.

How about I do this?

Holy sh*t!

Um, uh, could you excuse me for

a second?

Um just gonna... slip into

something more comfortable.

Go home!

Ohhh, she is like

uber-movie-star-hot.

Is she crazy or just retarded?

Neither. She just likes me!

No, no, no, no there has to be a

reason.

You're positive she can see...

like out of both eyes?

Okay, I am begging you, go home.

You're ruining this.

Okay, okay, okay, just, just do

me one favor k?

If, if she's retarded,

can you see if she has any other

retarded friends who look like her.

Stop saying retarded, it's

actually offensive.

What are we, on Oprah here?

Good bye, good night, good

night,

It's very vexing dog.

There's got to be a reason, has

to be a reason.

Thought you were going to slip

into something more comfortable.

Yeah, yeah, but I looked in the

mirror and decided

I was "the bomb" also "off the

hook,"

as the kids say.

Do kids still say that?

Yeah, kids over thirty-nine,

yeah.

You're funny...

Funny how? What do you mean,

funny?

Funny like a clown?

Sorry, oh my god, sorry I'm

trying too hard.

I'm nervous.

You're nervous with me?!

Are you retarded?

I'm, I'm sorry it's just that I

mean...

you're, you're gorgeous and

amazing and...

why the hell are you here?

Excuse me?

Why did you choose someone like

me?

I was just blown away by your

E-happily profile.

But I used my real picture and I

wrote down my real job.

Can we go back to your place

now?

Yeah... okay... uh good idea,

thanks.

I've never seen a man weep and

climax at the same time before.

Thank you.

It's just, I've... I've been

waiting all my life

for someone like you.

Exactly like you.

Right...

You're smart, you're sweet and

you're Maxim cover beautiful and

it's like you don't even know

it.

You love hockey and cats and

Albert Brooks and,

and you get my jokes about

obscure homely actors.

You're amazing, Danita.

You're beyond amazing. You're,

you're 'amazing-tastic.'

Well you're not too bad

yourself.

You asked before why I chose

you. Do you still want to know?

I'm... not sure.

You were the only one who said

"yes" to a date.

Yeah, right.

Yeah I didn't post a picture,

remember?

You were the only one who wanted

to go out with me,

even though you had no idea what

I looked like.

Wow, so all those sitcoms and

beer commercials were wrong.

It does pay to have depth.

Holy sh*t-balls, I have to go.

Holy-sh*t balls. I like that.

I would love to see you again.

I... hope you want to see me

again too.

Yeah, I think I'm leaning

towards that, yeah.

Sorry. I have to go. I...

say hi to your cats when they

wake up.

Say hi to yours.

Put on ESPN and text me when you

know the hockey scores.

You're incredible.

Do you have Alzheimer's?

I have Loveheimer's.

Hey! You haven't been returning

my calls or texts all day.

What the heck happened?!

With what?

Now don't you dare be coy.

Common I need details, dog.

Look I never thought I'd have to

live vicariously through you...

Last night was unbelievable.

No, no it was better than that.

We stayed in bed and talked all

night,

it was just like Dylan and

Ashlee.

Who the f*** are Dylan and...

HOLD ON a second.

You... slept with that piece

of...

lady, you slept with her?

And, I'm not even talking about

the sex,

although holy crap, that was

good.

Okay, o-Kay!

What the hell is going on? What

the hell is going?

What's going on!?

She's like a '10,' right?

I, I don't assign women numbers.

No, she's, she's a 10! That girl

is a 10, you're like...

no offense Ricky, you're like a

And, and... if you're a 4, she's

like 20!

It's because I went out with her

without knowing

what she looked like!

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