Hole in One Page #7

- Is Eric around?

- No, he's not here.

He lent me his car.

I guess he forgot to take his phone out.

You're driving Eric's car?

Did he tell you about the brakes?

- No, he didn't tell me about the brakes.

- Well, he told me there was a recall.

So I put together a list of dealers in the area

so he could get them fixed.

- Wow. Okay.

- Have him give me a call when you see him.

- Yeah, sure. I'll tell him you called.

- Thanks.

Dude, no wonder he gave me the car.

This thing needs new brakes.

What?

- Two can play at that game.

- Wait. What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna fix this thing.

I'm keeping this b*tch.

(ALL CHEERING)

That's five.

How can we lose to anybody that has b*obs?

Nice job.

Give a girl a titty hit.

(FAST MUSIC PLAYING)

I can smell him. I know he's close.

Bingo.

(WHOOPING)

Hey, back it off, Ho Chi Minh, back it off.

Or I'll put these size-12 American-made

boots right up your ass.

(LAUGHING)

Tell your boy Eric I got his ass.

I think you're gonna need these.

(REPO MAN EXCLAIMS)

(CAR CRASHING)

TYLER:
$40,100...

$40,200.

We're still short.

- Deadline's tomorrow.

- Yeah.

But this is a lot of money.

I mean, it's got to count for something.

Right?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Here it is. Most of it, anyway.

Most of it? I don't like the sound of that.

Do you, Carlton?

It's almost all there, it's like $40,200.

Almost isn't all.

Eric, we're businessmen.

We can be reasonable.

What is this little venture you have

with your partner?

Some kind of clothing line?

What are you, the f***ing Hardy Boys?

How do you know about that?

Once again, not your concern.

What would you say

the value of this little company is?

- Why?

- Perhaps a barter is in order?

You give us the company

and we take Cagney and Lacey out.

I can't. I only own half the company.

Tyler owns the other half.

I can't. I can't give it away. It's not mine.

Well, then the tits stay.

- I'm just gonna run off to the post office...

- Wait, come on.

Hey, we can be reasonable here, right?

How about if we play

you and your partner, Tyler?

That way, if you win, you keep the $40,000

and we take these out, everybody's happy.

And if you lose...

They get PAHR if we lose?

We won't lose.

Come on, we won't. You said it yourself,

I'm playing the best golf of my life.

Maybe it's the tits.

Okay.

But do you really want to bet

our entire future off on a single golf match?

We're not betting anything away.

Just think about what PAHR could do

with that money.

We could pay ourselves salaries.

So whatever. Let's just go

beat these a**holes, keep their money.

Our money.

- Come on, Ty. It's one last game.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Let's do this.

- Let's do it.

ERIC:
I'm sorry,

why are you bringing me here?

TYLER:
Joslyn said it was important.

I don't know, man.

- They're here. Hey, guys.

- Hey.

Come on, we've been waiting for you.

What took you so long? Join us.

Hey, boys.

- What's going on?

- Have a seat, Eric.

Yeah, straddle that bench.

E- dog, listen, man,

we're seriously worried about you.

You've been drinking way too much.

You flat-out disappear.

It's gotten to the point where you messed up

a very important photo shoot.

What's up with that jacket?

And you almost put your best friend

and business partner through financial ruin.

And you put me and Jason in danger, man.

Okay, guys. What's going on here?

Tyler, this is an intervention. We're trying

to help Eric get through his issues.

- He doesn't have any issues. He's fine.

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

(EXCLAIMING)

Intervention? Hold on a second.

Hold on. I don't have an issue.

- Denial.

- See, textbook, man. You got a problem.

Guys, I really appreciate

what you're trying to do here, all right?

But Eric and I have everything under control.

Tyler, no. You're not helping!

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Hold on! Hold on a second!

Everybody just shut up for a second!

I'm not an alcoholic.

Well, I am, sort of,

like in a college frat boy kind of way,

but look, that's not the issue. Okay?

- These are.

- (GASPING)

- What the f***?

- Okay, this is beyond...

- Okay, don't freak. Hold on a second.

- This is beyond an intervention.

- Jos, I can explain everything.

- The whole f*** buddy, booty call...

Wait a minute, that's what you've been

doing the last two weeks?

No.

Come on, Big Dog, bust them out again,

man. I wanna see them.

Stay the f*** away from me, Mark.

I'll give you the f***ing haymaker, man.

Look, I really care about you,

but this is really f***ed up, Tyler.

I can explain everything, all right?

Dude, he's got jiggly titties.

Jiggly titty, you got that jiggly titty.

You got that jiggly titty...

(EXCLAIMING)

I'm gonna f***ing kill you.

- Mark. What are you doing?

- You f***ing dick!

Sorry I'm late. What did I miss?

- You are disgusting!

- Mandy, hold on.

- Stop it. Stop it.

- What?

I can explain all this.

Look, it's all a big f*** up, okay.

I know I've been cheating, I've been lying

to people, I've been lying to you,

but the b*obs have made me a better person.

- I know, that sounds really stupid.

- Save it, Eric.

I came here tonight

because I was worried about you.

I don't even think you and I

are on the same planet.

No, no, that's not true. We are.

(INAUDIBLE)

(MIMICKING ERIC) "Come on, Mandy,

they're only a C-cup."

(MIMICKING MANDY) "Only a C-cup?

They're bigger than mine."

"Why are you so mad? I got them for you."

"Eric, I said if you got b*obs,

they'd have to be a B-cup."

"I'm sorry,

but four titties are better than two. Right?"

"No. Oh, my God, Eric,

I am not a lesbian any more."

"Just touch them one time.

Don't you want to motorboat?"

No, I'm not into kinky stuff.

Who said I was into kinky stuff?

- I can't do this.

- Let me explain. Sh*t.

Dude.

Can I get my car keys?

Thanks, man. The repo man took your car.

- What?

- I know, I know.

Get in the car, Vanilla Ice.

Hey, Mandy. What's up? It's Eric.

Just calling to see what's up.

Give me a call when you get this.

I'd love to hear from you.

Yeah, give me a buzz.

Ready?

What's going on?

- What is all this?

- What does it look like?

You guys are on the map.

And I got San Diego CNTV

to stream the whole thing.

Why are all these people here?

- It doesn't matter.

- Really?

- It works out in our favour, though.

- And how's that?

Well, you see, Mr Cover Girl

can't hide from this kind of publicity.

Company stays on top. PAHR goes down.

Mmm-hmm. Good.

What's the president of Ash-Whole

doing here?

If I were you, I wouldn't worry about that.

I'd be worrying about the double bogeys

coming your way.

Bogey-bogey.

He put you up to this.

That's why you want PAHR.

Put us up to this? No.

We created this company.

We're the majority stock holders.

What? You think you are the only two

geniuses that can sell a cotton-poly blend?

Enough! Get ready to have your asses

handed to you.

The only ass that's gonna be handed

is yours.

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